tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-148302012024-02-28T04:27:24.123-06:00Positive Divorceapplying the latest research in neuroscience and social science to divorce and divorce litigationKevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-64856310640445819232020-02-27T11:02:00.000-06:002020-02-27T11:02:33.478-06:00Trends in Divorce 2020 and Implications for Family Law PracticeA few months into the new decade, some significant trends in both marriage and divorce are worth considering for family law practitioners who want to successfully adapt to changing market conditions which will affect their practice.<br />
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The list of trends first and then the family law practice implications.<br />
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The trends:<br />
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<li>Online dating sites displace work as the venue where most couples meet and start dating.</li>
<li>Millennials continue to postpone both getting married and having children.</li>
<li>Social media, and especially video on social media, far outpaces traditional media and other sources as the primary source of news, information, and social connection.</li>
<br />In this decade, more couples will first make contact online than in person. While meeting at work, or at a bar, will still be the venue where many couples first meet, this trend toward online introductions will likely accelerate throughout the 2020's. Both the Millennials and the Gen Zs have grown up with iPads and Facebook/Snapchat/TikTok/Instagram as the way to connect with their social worlds, and many of them would prefer to work remotely, at home or at Starbucks, rather than in a traditional office. <div>
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In addition, both men and women in these numerically large social groups believe that financial security and financial independence is important to achieve before marriage. These factors will make later marriage, later childbirth, and prenuptial agreements the new normal.<div>
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The implications for the business of family law are clear: Fewer marriages means fewer divorces, divorce at later ages, and more premarital estate planning.</div>
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Discovery in divorce cases already includes routine scraping of social media and texts/email for potentially admissible evidence, and the volume of this evidence will grow dramatically for these people who have lived their lives online since they were teenagers. Teenage decisions and questionable judgment and behavior, much which is normal but has been largely invisible (and therefore deniable) before the Internet Age, will now be discoverable and part of the public record with unpredictable effects on divorce litigants and THEIR children. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">n case you haven’t been watching, over 6 billion videos are viewed on YouTube every month.
That’s almost an hour for every person on Earth. (And for the record, they’re not all cat videos). Recent surveys found that more than 85% of Millennials and GenZs say they get information, news, and social confirmation of their attitudes and beliefs from watching social media. "Cord cutting" isn't a fad, it's a fact, and it's accelerating. This change to nontraditional media channels in these groups of young people (the first Millennials just turned 40) is accompanied by a "wired in" </span></span><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">skepticism of traditional sources of truth and authority (like lawyers and judges). "Fake news" resonates with these denizens of the Internet.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Consequently, in order to persuade these young people who are now hiring lawyers as well as serving on juries, successful trial attorneys will use video as a standard part of their client marketing and trial presentations because video is literally the language of this generation. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Videos are a valuable, powerful way to tell your firm (or your client's) story, to showcase your practice and unique expertise, and to engage with your potential clients. We’re not talking infomercials here, we’re talking about compelling, interesting, and emotionally engaging storytelling that can make your family law practice come to life online and in court.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">A quick example from my recent professional experience as a litigation consultant will demonstrate my point. A Millennial mom who had endured years of emotional abuse finally had enough and filed for divorce. Attempts are reconciliation failed, and the abuse continued. She took the three children and fled out of state, without a court order or dad's permission, to her home state to live near her parents. Mediation failed (dad as a narcissist, so this wasn't a surprise). The case went to trial in Dallas county.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a part of our trial presentation, we prepared a 5 minute video using mom's iPhone photos and videos, taken in the normal course of her life with the kids, showing the kids' life with mom, the grandparents, the school, and the new community (which was breathtakingly beautiful). Mom's attorney was able to get a jury verdict giving mom sole managing conservatorship, despite her moving away in violation of the court's order. Interviews of the jurors afterward found that the video had turned the tide in this very challenging case because they could see for themselves how well the kids were doing in their new environment away from the abuse.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9); font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">The demographics of marriage and divorce are changing, and family law professionals must adapt to these changes in their potential clients and jurors. Video is a central feature in the lives of these young people, and successful lawyers will use video effectively to appeal to new clients and to persuade judges and juries at trial.</span></div>
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Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-70697467233316621632019-08-23T13:49:00.001-05:002019-08-23T13:55:49.194-05:00Marriage, Divorce, and Narcissism: Part 3--Strategies for Dealing with NPDs and their wounded spouses in Divorce Litigation<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The narcissistic paradox: Narcissists have the ability to inspire confidence in their grandiose assertions about themselves without a shred of evidence.</i></span><br />
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<a href="https://i.pinimg.com/564x/7a/72/c3/7a72c3a234fb98c1b9e43f1cf689359b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="This is so true....he's got everybody believing I'm the one harassing/stalking but that's not the truth is it boo boo! Xoxo ha ha" border="0" height="209" src="https://i.pinimg.com/564x/7a/72/c3/7a72c3a234fb98c1b9e43f1cf689359b.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For those of us who must deal with narcissists (Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD) as part of our personal or professional life, whether as clients, partners, spouses, employers or bosses, few relationships are more challenging and frustrating. Literally millions of dollars are spent each year on professional counseling by the hapless victims of these charming, successful, and intelligent but toxic people to try to figure out how to live with inevitable scars resulting from a relationship of any kind with a narcissist. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So who are these women who marry these malignant narcissistic men? If you're representing the wife of an NPD, you need to know. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While some NPD men marry other NPD women (mutual deceit), the pattern is more often that these men marry vulnerable, naive, beautiful, smart women who come from troubled or abusive families themselves. Many of these women have NPD fathers or alcohol or substance abuse family histories that have taught them that denial is their best defense against an abusive present, and that ignoring crazy behavior is the key to survival. They have been adoring, bordering on worshipful, to their NPD husband, and eventually they have been discarded and replaced, usually with a younger version of themselves. Once self confident and sociable, now they are anxious, irrationally self-critical, self-doubting, and depressed. They have very low stress tolerance, and probably call your office to ask the same fear-driven questions at least daily, frequently many times a day. When custody evaluations are written, these women are frequently found to be borderline personality disorders (Google that for more information), or at the very least clinically depressed with anxiety disorders.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The personal suffering of the millions of victims of NPDs has been well documented over the last 20 years or so by many talented and articulate writers. Both the DSM-V and Sam Vaknin (a self-admitted NPD himself) have clearly explained the characteristics of NPD, and their impact on people who love them, so I won't repeat that list here. Rather, I want to address the toxic and systemic impact of narcissism on the functioning of the courts, particularly the family court system, and the Courts' decisions about conservatorship of children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As we all learned in law school, our system of justice is predicated on the principle that out of the conflict of two trained advocates zealously representing the differing interests of their clients before an objective trier of fact, the truth will rise like a Phoenix out of the fires of conflict. I contend that in too many family court cases where an NPD is a party, this fundamental assumption about how truth is uncovered and justice is administered is fatally flawed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">First, when a NPD divorces, their spouse is already at a significant disadvantage. Spouses of NPDs are inevitably grossly wounded by their relationship, and many are so wounded that they have symptoms similar to those of combat veterans and PTSD sufferers. Worse, the isolation that they have lived with as a normal feature of their marriage has prevented them from realizing that the criticism, threats, insults, and humiliations that they suffered in private were NOT their fault, and they are NOT worthless human beings. As a result, they are difficult clients to represent because they have such low expectations that anyone can help them, and have to learn to stand up for themselves again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This background of humiliation and intimidation makes meeting with a divorce attorney a surreal experience where they are asked about details of their married life they frequently know nothing about: money, property, investments, and other assets. (BTW this is another clue that hubby is an NPD) Inquiries about the children are more comfortable, and these moms are frequently very engaged with their kids (sometimes overly so). As mom's attorney begins to prepare for negotiating the terms of temporary orders for visitation, conservatorship, and support, their client's unease grows as she realizes that the odds of an agreement without a fight are very low. Furthermore, she knows how persuasive her NPD husband can be and how fearful she is of facing him in court.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Second, increasingly crowded family court dockets mean that time allocated for temporary hearings is declining. This trend favors NPDs, who can make damaging and completely specious allegations about their wounded spouse in their hearing testimony with no fear of being successfully challenged by their spouse's attorney with contravening <i>facts. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Two more core characteristics of the NPD style only make the challenge of finding facts in a short hearing even more difficult. NPDs respond to challenges of their outrageous fictions in two predictable ways: first, they "double-down" on the allegations and make even more grandiose and fictitious claims about their own character, accomplishments, and parenting ability; second, they<i> increase </i>their personal attacks on their spouse, again with <i>no </i>regard to the actual facts or the effects of those attacks on the mother of their children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One NPD characteristic, ironically, is actually helpful to the insightful attorney representing the spouse of a NPD. One of the primary ways that NPDs cope and protect their grandiose views of themselves as "all good" or perfect, is to blame others for actions they themselves are doing. For example, in a recent case, an NPD dad accused his ex-wife of substance abuse, but when the court ordered drug tests, the results showed that HE was using cocaine and pot, while his ex had nothing but prescription drugs ordered by her doctor in therapeutic doses in her blood. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Bottom line: If you want to know what an NPD has done or is doing that they know to be wrong or "bad", listen to what they are accusing their usually innocent spouse of doing!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The problem for family courts who do their best to find the truth and administer justice for children and families is this: While our legal process is the best in the world for catching witnesses in a lie, that process takes time in court for painstaking fact-checking in cross examination and the requisite pre-trial preparation to work. In a world where Twitter's 140 character limit now sets the standard for meaningful communication, NPDs have substantial advantage, and the same goes in Courts who only have time for a 45 minute hearing to make a decision. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The abbreviated hearing system is tilted toward the charm, confidence, and baseless but alarming allegations of the NPD litigant whose lies are unlikely to be successfully challenged in 20 minutes. As I teach my coaching clients, confidence is a large component of how people (and Courts) evaluate witness credibility, and NPDs have the charm, intelligence, cunning, and confidence to be<i> very</i> credible sounding witnesses while they spout an ever changing string of outright lies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The system is likewise tilted against the shell-shocked spouse of the NPD who knows the allegations are completely false but largely because of her toxic relationship with the NPD appears anxious, confused, uncertain, and is unable to defend herself against the lies and be an effective witness for herself and her children. And she knows that after the hearing is over, regardless of the outcome or what the Court orders, the NPD is going to do exactly what he wants to do anyway because that is what he has always done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Advanced Practice Tips and Tools for Attorneys Representing the Spouse of NPDs:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1. If your client looks unusually anxious, depressed, and hopeless despite being married to a highly successful, professional, executive, or especially political man, suspect NPD in the man and get the wife to confirm the list (Google narcissistic personality to find everything you need). Plan to "slow walk" the litigation to give your client time to recover from the daily criticism and abuse so she can learn to testify against him with confidence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2. Suspect hidden assets and extramarital relationships as well as substance abuse from the outset. NPDs will do or say anything to get what they want or think they deserve (which is everything BTW). When custody evaluation reports are filed in these high conflict cases with fact patterns like I have outlined in this series, if dad is NOT diagnosed as an NPD, it's time to get a highly qualified MHP expert to consult with you and review the report. NPDs are damaging to the emotional development of children and joint managing conservatorship (custody) is NOT a reasonable recommendation in these cases.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">3. Remember, whatever the NPD is telling his attorney about your client is mostly self-serving lies, and the opposing attorney is most likely "under the spell" of the charming and persuasive NPD. Remember the old joke "Q: How can you tell when X is lying? A: His lips are moving" was written about NPDs. They will lie even when the truth would help them if the lie makes them look better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">4. Take the time to prepare your client to testify in the temporary hearing by first, getting a good marital history that you also need to prepare for cross examination of the NPD spouse, and second, by coaching and practicing her direct testimony and the expected cross examination. (Many of these spouses freeze when they hear the enormous lies and incomprehensible allegations about themselves for the first time in court; they just can't process it fast enough to effectively respond, so they look "guilty".)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">5. NPDs only back down when they are humiliated in public, in my experience. Their grandiose and perfect self image is the most important thing in life to them; if that's damaged or in danger, they lose interest in litigating and are more likely to be amenable to settlement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Finally, especially if you're representing the wife of a suspected NPD in divorce litigation, get your client a coach who really understands NPD and can help her learn what happened to her during the relationship. Unfortunately, a majority of counselors and psychologists still don't understand NPD and consequently can't help these clients recover from narcissistic abuse. However, an experienced professional with the right training and experience can make a big difference in a short period of time. This will make representing her much easier and less frustrating, and may be the difference between a good outcome for the client and something far worse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Whether you're a client or an attorney, I look forward to your comments and questions: connect to me on LinkedIn, or email me here--karlson.kevin@gmail.com.</span>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-26358418498037213312019-08-20T10:23:00.000-05:002019-08-20T10:23:02.783-05:00Marriage, Divorce, and Narcissism: Part 2-High Conflict Divorce Client Profile<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmURayCdKmSmcHwhpEv_muLMZb2-Bor8JqTvt3C6CmhhQEJ3YRf7xbtclwMbZgesCWEwgEKIA5a02nePcIMLQ5IGzryxRl1aYPGT9jMzig7t6rcc7hkWXjh1W4-8JmC12uecqFVg/s1600/narcissism+quote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="480" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmURayCdKmSmcHwhpEv_muLMZb2-Bor8JqTvt3C6CmhhQEJ3YRf7xbtclwMbZgesCWEwgEKIA5a02nePcIMLQ5IGzryxRl1aYPGT9jMzig7t6rcc7hkWXjh1W4-8JmC12uecqFVg/s320/narcissism+quote.jpg" width="320" /></a>As I noted in my last post, 10% of divorces can be categorized as "high conflict". High conflict divorces rarely settle, are usually both lengthy and nasty, and a nearly all of them go to trial. The obvious question is "Why?" Who are these people who can't or won't settle their divorce cases?<br />
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The following list of facts from recent research findings offer a few clues:<br />
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<li>1 in every 10 people in the US has no demonstrated capacity for empathy. This includes 3.3 M people diagnosable as anti-social personality disorder (APD), and another 6.6M people with diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).</li>
<li>NPD is also characterized by a selfish, grandiose self image, and being manipulative, easily offended, constantly needing attention and recognition, obsessed with their own appearance and possessions, controlling, physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive.</li>
<li>Some recent research studies with NPDs in fMRI scanners appear to show that NPDs can be empathic but only"turn it on" in situations where it will help them get what they want (think dating or in court, for example).</li>
<li>NPD is more common in men than in women (8.8 % of men and 4.6% of women).</li>
<li>Narcissism is a growing problem, with the prevalence for narcissism reaching 10% for people in their 20's and may be exacerbated by heavy social media engagement.</li>
<li>NPD prevalence is also greater in black men and women, Hispanic women, people who never married, and <b><i>among those who have been divorced, separated, </i></b>or widowed.</li>
<li>NPDs crave constant adoration and seek out partners whom they perceive to be high status and attractive to enhance their own social standing and to be the envy of others. </li>
<li>Narcissism doesn't really emerge as a full blown personality disorder until most people are in their mid 20's.</li>
<li>Narcissists are achievement oriented, and drawn to positions of power and control, so many can be found in the executive suite, politics, military, and government leadership positions.</li>
<li>Narcissists are unable to compromise in divorce litigation since compromise means admitting they were not perfect or "right".</li>
<li>Narcissistic traits worsen with age.</li>
<li>Narcissists can be exceptionally charming and charismatic in public while being cruel in private.</li>
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In my 35 years of experience as a litigation consultant specializing in family law cases in Texas, when a divorce/custody case doesn't settle in mediation (or negotiations), I have found that one or both parties are NPDs. </div>
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So you're asking, even it that is true, why does that matter?</div>
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As a lawyer handling divorces, when your new client is a man (and potentially a narcissist), this is what you will find:</div>
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<li>Your client will be successful, attractive, well dressed, affluent to wealthy, charming, calm, self-assured, and smarter than average.</li>
<li>The discussion about the divorce will be almost exclusively about money and property, even if there are children.</li>
<li>This will feel like a business deal, and the goal (explicitly or implicitly) will be to crush the opposing party because they failed to keep their part of the marriage bargain.</li>
<li>Your client will lie to you about virtually everything.</li>
<li>Whatever allegations he makes about his wife, he is probably doing himself (she probably isn't)</li>
<li>He will very likely have been planning the divorce for a while and hiding assets and income, which he will deny.</li>
<li>He probably has had multiple affairs, and is having one as you speak.</li>
<li>He will describe his wife as "unstable", "mentally ill", "crazy", "unpredictable"...</li>
<li>He will paint himself as the victim of a chaotic, angry, vindictive, and sexually deprived marriage; sometimes as the victim of irrational anger and even violence.</li>
<li>If there are children, he will report that they are doing great and are unaffected by the family situation, or he will insist the kids are getting damaged by too much time with their "crazy mother".</li>
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So counsel, what does that mean for you and your representation of this guy?</div>
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<li>He will take your advice only if he agrees with it (he's the smartest guy in <i>every</i> room BTW).</li>
<li>When there are problems during the case caused his behavior, he will blame you.</li>
<li>Rules, court orders, limits won't apply to him.</li>
<li>He will expect special treatment from everyone, including you.</li>
<li>If he doesn't get everything he wants, he may "blame the system" but he will file a grievance against you and go to arbitration to get his money back.</li>
<li>If you're smart, you will write CYA letters about everything you advise him to do.</li>
<li>He will probably fire you and move on to other counsel when you (inevitably) disappoint him.</li>
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So who would marry these guys? More about the wives in the next issue. Stay tuned for part 3.</div>
Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-31176857895721926052019-08-19T09:53:00.000-05:002019-08-19T09:53:00.309-05:00Marriage, Divorce, and Narcissism: The facts and context (Part 1 of 3)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One of the most challenging tasks facing a family lawyer when interviewing a new client who is seeking divorce representation is making an assessment of the dynamics of the anticipated litigation process: routine, complicated, or high conflict, extended litigation. This note on facts and context is part 1 of a 3 part series to provide advanced practice guidelines to any attorney representing clients in divorces.<br />
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As the poster at right suggests, marriage success is not a 50/50 coin flip. In fact, contrary to the urban myth, nearly"<b style="font-style: italic;">70% of all marriages last as long as you both shall live". (</b>The 50% myth is a result of misunderstanding Census Bureau marriage statistics) The research into unhappy marriages has found that unhappiness in most marriages is temporary--two years after reporting that their marriage was "very unhappy", 80% of those same couples now reported that they were "very happy" in their marriages. Most couples find a way to work things out and stay married. Divorce is not inevitable when couples are going through a difficult period in their lives; the best advice <i>for most couples</i> is to wait and persevere. I will cover the exceptions to these general guidelines later in this series.<br />
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When couples can't make it, those couples in the "neglect" group of divorcing spouses report that they "just drifted apart" and about 60% of men and 40% of the women report to resorting to extramarital affairs as a solution feeling neglected. For most of these people, the affair is short lived and contrary to popular belief, an affair is NOT a guarantee that the marriage will end in divorce. More than 2/3 of couples who have had to confront the issue of infidelity in their marriage find a way to forgive each other and move on <i>without divorcing.</i> Nonetheless, given this high rate of infidelity, not asking about extramarital affairs of your client and of their spouse is less than competent representation in a divorce case.<br />
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For the 30% of marriages which eventually end in divorce, the research has found that more than 2/3 of these divorces can be characterized as "low conflict". These "low conflict" spouses eventually mutually agree that the relationship has died and one or both of them are ready to let go and move on. However that awareness rarely happens at the same time for both parties. For the partner filing for divorce, that decision to file usually takes about a year to come to actual execution. During that time, a substantial amount of anticipatory grieving occurs for the filing spouse, while the other spouse is usually unaware that this period of relative peace in the home is a prelude to divorce. Hence, one partner is experiencing the shock and denial of early phases of grief, while the filing partner may appear relatively emotionally disconnected. For these couples, though, the emotional conflict and feelings of grief do NOT escalate into protracted litigation, as their self control and generally good judgment prevail.<br />
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When these couples have children, disagreements over child raising are frequently a contributing cause to the divorce, especially when the children reach school age (5-7 years after the date of marriage is a peak time for divorce). Low conflict couples usually find a way to co-parent after divorce and protracted litigation is not in their future. Disagreements will be resolved or ignored but not litigated.<br />
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As clients, these low conflict couples are easy to represent. They do their homework, produce documents on time, rarely call in for "emergencies", and while admittedly sad and disappointed, they are not angry, demanding, needy, emotionally-draining clients. Very few have mental health or substance abuse histories, and most have stable careers and good extended family support.<br />
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If you have been doing the math, we have now covered about 90% of all divorcing couples. These numbers are consistent with the overall findings that more than 90% of all divorces end in settlement (either through negotiation or mediation) but NOT litigation. The remaining 10% of divorces are the high conflict, headline-making, protracted and expensive, nasty divorces that make family law lawyers resort to adult beverages. These cases are subject of the next note in this series.<br />
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And yes narcissism is a major player in these high conflict cases....Stay tuned.<br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-8808716805899909132018-10-12T08:50:00.000-05:002018-10-12T08:50:23.631-05:00More on NPD and custody litigation: Dr K’s top 10 list of tips and toolsMore on NPD and custody litigation: Dr K’s top 10 list of tips and tools<br />
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After more than 30 years as a consultant to family lawyers and their clients (and as a custody evaluator/expert and therapist), I have been involved with hundreds of cases where one of the parents is a narcissist (NPD-usually the dad). What follows is some lessons learned from coaching their former spouses during and after they divorce the NPD, and try to co-parent their kids with them.</div>
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1. Former spouses of NPDs are traumatized and need treatment even if they look like they’re fine.</div>
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NPDs inflict major but usually invisible and long-lasting wounds on their spouses. The damage to the self-esteem and self-confidence, not to mention the trust, of the spouse is remarkably deep and pervasive. What’s more, many of the spouses are so wounded that don’t realize how wounded they are. They may have lived an outwardly very affluent and seemlingly happy life but behind closed doors at home, their existence was a wasteland of criticism, cruelty, and loneliness which they daren’t not reveal to anyone. By the time of the divorce, they doubt their own perceptions and judgment, as they have been “gaslighted” into near insanity by the controlling and lying NPD. Despite their physical attractiveness (NPDs never marry average looking women) and expensive and tasteful wardrobes (NPDs would never been seen in public with someone that’s not wearing designer clothes), they are emotionally exhausted and impoverished on the inside. They are are emotionally prepared to litigate against an NPD whose goal is not just to win but to destroy them personally.</div>
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2. Former spouses of NPDs are frequently incompently treated by counselors and therapists.</div>
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The internal dynamics of former spouses of NPDs is much like traumatized combat veterans. Having lost their trust in their own perceptions of reality, and having been brainwashed by alternating periods of worshipful devotion and unexpected cruelty and denigration, they are anxious, depressed, and distrusting, bordering on paranoid. They are also able to pay for therapy, and difficult to engage in meaningful dialogue; for poorly trained or unethical mental health professionals, these are long-term patients who keep coming but have the same unending complaints and symptoms. Some of these women have been therapy for years without signficant progress or relief, believing their lack of improvement is their fault (another legacy of a close relationship with an NPD).</div>
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3. Children of an NPD parent are at significant risk for damage to their emotional, cognitive, and relational development.</div>
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The NPDs lack of empathy and overwhelming self-absorbsion means children are treated both as “furniture” and also as “reflections of perfection” of the NPD. NPDs need unending and uninterrupted worship and devotion; hence parenting is extremely unsatisfying and bothersome for them. Rules for children are arbitrary, usually cruel and unreasonable, and change at the drop of a hat.<br />
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Because NPDs see the world in black/white/all good/all bad terms, failure by the children to be “perfect” (whatever that might be at a given moment) results in harsh criticism, personal attacks and belittling, public humiliation, and/or rage and physical abuse, usually followed by complete neglect and emotional abandonment. Nearly all of these kids underperform at school, act out in rebellious or defiant ways with authority figures, have poor peer relationships, and are at very high risk for anxiety and depression. The greater the exposure to the NPD parent, the greater the risk and harm for the child. </div>
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Post divorce visitation with an NPD parent is almost always represents a significant increase in the risk of harm to the normal growth and development of the child, since mom has usually buffered the kids from as much of the chaos from the NPD as she could. NPD single parent dads are frequently incompetent and uncaring parents with limited parenting skills and absolutely no real interest in their children. </div>
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4. Consequently, co-parenting with an NPD is impossible; “parallel parent”.<br />
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NPD’s do NOT “play well with others”; never have, never will. What a NPD hears when the court order says “co-parent” is this: “great, I am still in charge. I can do what I want, and I can make her do what I want, just like old times”. Any attempt by Parenting Facilitators to engage dad in shared parenting, mutual sharing, and communication will be fruitless because NPDs don’t want to parent; they want to punish their ex by harassing the kids and generating control issues and threatening to take the kids from mom in a custody fight,<br />
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So moms should make good decisions about the kids knowing that they are going to be criticized by dad no matter what they do. Communications should be by text and limited to the details of the exchanges, or to respond to the infrequent and unreasonable requests about the kids. Remember this<br />
is not a reasonable, rational, normal dad; don’t expect normal loving dad behavior.<br />
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5. Before you litigate a reduction in visitation (or a custody change), get a competent therapist who understands NPD and NPD traumatized spouses.<br />
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The US Constitution guarantees “due process” in any court proceeding and that means you are going to have to see your ex in public, and probably more than once, during your hearings, depositions, and trial. In order to be seen as a credible and truthful witness in face of your former spouse, who is ana an accomplished liar and manipulator, you have to be calm, confident, and not intimidated by “the look”. That means you have to be far enough along in your recovery from NPD trauma to be cool and calm and focused in your testimony. Competent treatment will get you there in a year or so.<br />
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If your new therapist is not able to describe NPD in a way you recognize, and talk to you about the effects of that relationship on you (that matches your feelings and symptoms), then find another therapist. It would be best if they experience testifying, have treated other NPD victims, and understand the challenging task of getting judges and lawyers to understand the dangers of NPD to kids.<br />
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6. Hire a family lawyer who both understands NPD and is willing to aggressively pursue visitation for dad that is dramatically less than “standard visitation”.<br />
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Family lawyers are getting better informed about Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but even those who know what the diagnosis is don’t really understand the impact of an NDP parent on children. Before embarking on any change of custody litigation, have a lengthy interview of your lawyer and make sure they can not only explain NPD acccurately, but also articulate the dangers to your children, and explain the hurdles in the legal system to getting dad’s visitation (and therefore the risks of damage to your kids) reduced.<br />
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NPD is found in less than 1 or 2 people for every 100 people in the general population in the US. However, NPD is found in most of the high conflict family cases, which are about 1/3 of all divorces. Your family lawyer must be willing to agressively pursue a non-standard visitation solution that is in the children’s best interest even though it does not fit into the “cookie cutter” mold for most visitation orders. If your lawyer is unwilling or unable to explain how that could work in your jurisdiction, then find another lawyer. NPDs respond to attacks and criticism by “doubling down” and increasing their threats and personal attacks through bigger lies, intimidation, and manipulation so the litigation will be long and costly and the case is unlikely to settle. You both have to be ready and willing to go to trial. If this lawyer is not comfortable in a trial, get a different lawyer.<br />
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7. In order to get the judge to order less than standard visitation for your ex to protect your children from an NPD dad, you will need compelling evidence of current and past harm to your kids and the testimony of a highly qualified expert to explain to the judge the current and future damage he’s doing to your children.<br />
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That means hiring a clinical or forensic psychologist (or maybe psychiatrist) who is willing to testify that NPDs inflict harm on both children (and spouses), and that no “dose” of exposure to an NPD parent is safe for children. This expert witness must clearly explain that greater exposure to this toxic parent means greater harm to children. Counselors rarely are trained to recognize NPDs; many of them naively assume that the NPDd will change or even can be coached or counseled to be more empathic parents (NPDs can’t and most won’t even try). There is NO known effective treatment for NPD.</div>
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8. Expect the fight to go to a trial.<br />
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As I explained earlier, NPDs response to criticism or disagreement, much less a public loss of “their time with MY children” does not lead to compromise or problem solving but to nasty, personal, emotional warfare. You can expect to be intimidated, attacked, and accused of parental alienation. (Nearly half of all proven cases of parental alienation are non-custodial dads; a small fraction are mothers) .<br />
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In my experience, NPDs only give up the fight after they have been publicly humiliated in court as a chronic liar and emotionally/physically abusive parent (in a hearing or trial) or they have been “bought off” by getting something that assuages their egos and makes them look good in giving mom what she’s asked for in reduced (or even almost no visitation). Or in unusual cases, they are outgunned and out spent and run out of money, and they they fold.<br />
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It is hard for most judges, lawyers, and juries to grasp that a father really has absolutely no real interest in his children as people apart from what they can do for HIM. But a settlement offer of a sort that feeds the ego of the NPD dad (money, recognition, glory, admiration). NPDs can be bought but they are not cheap.<br />
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9. Because NPDs are so concerned about their public image, they are very vulnerable to having their family histories exposed. These family secrets can be leverage in negotiating a settlement right before trial.<br />
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NPDs create little NPD children, so most NPDs have one or both parents who are NPDs and siblings who have been damaged as a result. The NPD is likely the outwardly best functioning sibling, and the others are likely suffering from a variety of mental disorders including anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. These family members represent an unacceptable narcissistic injury to their perception of their perfect selves and family, and are usually ignored or disavowed by the NPD. Careful discovery and thorough depositions can lead to useful leverage.<br />
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10. Don’t start this process if you can’t finish it. This process will be at least 2 years long and very costly. If you can’t afford the costs or are not emotionally equipped with person stamina and a good support system of friends and professionals who are NPD savvy, learn to live with the chaos and ongoing personal attacks.<br />
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On the other hand, if litigation is not an option for you there is some good news. In my experience, when left alone, NPDs eventually tire of parenting since there is nothing in it for them. NPD men do rapidly move on to the “next, younger, hotter model” and if they are not reminded of their children, most fade into the distance leaving their children not only emotionally but also physically fatherless. Under the circumstances, perhaps the best of all the bad alternatives...</div>
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Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-10905244268190051442017-10-23T15:37:00.000-05:002017-10-23T16:15:21.499-05:00Commentary: Two troubling trends in custody litigation and the social costIn my role as a divorce litigation consultant, I work with both moms and dads as they navigate the often unpredictable and frequently heartbreaking road of custody litigation and post-divorce co-parenting. Since two of three divorces are low conflict, my career has been spent dealing with the small group of high-conflict divorces—some of the one third of divorcing couples that just can’t agree on what’s best for their children during and after divorce. As mediation has become the standard pre-trial procedure in Texas, the number of litigated custody cases going all way to a jury verdict is down to about 1% of all cases—a trend that’s good for every child of divorce (and their parents, too).<br />
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Despite that trend in the decline of jury trials in Texas, two other trends have emerged among litigated custody cases that concern me:<br />
1. The apparent rise in the number of cases of alleged “parental alienation” by unhappy non-custodial fathers, and<br />
2. The simultaneous increase in a subtle but pernicious bias against how fathers parent their children, whether they are the primary parent or have various ranges of visitation rights.<br />
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First, as I have written elsewhere, the actual numbers of “parental alienation” cases is very low—a tiny fraction of those high conflict divorces I mentioned above. And the best available research looking at more than 1000 of those cases revealed that when mom alleges abuse, 50-70% of those allegationswere proven to be true in the courtroom, and intentionally false allegations made by mothers were exceedingly rare. Interestingly, the largest source of FALSE allegations was made by non-custodial fathers.<br />
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The danger to the children (and to the family court system) is that once the allegation of “parental alienation” is made, the burden of proof (real not legal) falls on the accused parent to prove the negative “I am not an alienator!”. Just as in the Salem witch trials, where innocence was established when the “witch” drowned during repeated dunkings, ALL attempts by the alleged “alienator” to establish her innocence are interpreted as further evidence of her guilt! (She didn’t drown, she must be a witch; she denies it, she must be an “alienator”).<br />
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This toxic labeling is frequently given unwarranted credence by uninformed or poorly professionalized mental health professionals who jump on the unproven and statistically unlikely band wagon, even though the APA refused to include “parental alienation” as a diagnosis in DSM-V because of a lack of valid and reliable criteria! Based on my experience in more than 1000 contested cases, “alienation” is family dynamic/pattern, not a personality disorder, and should be treated as a symptom of the dysfunctional family system (these parents are divorced or divorcing after all), and NOT attributed to one parent.<br />
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BTW based on my review of the research, there is NO evidence supporting the forced removal of the children from the “alienating” parent and moving the children to the home or primary conservatorship of the other parent, and much data on attachment, bonding, and childhood stress to suggest that such a “solution” is harmful to children and unhelpful in resolving the underlying parental conflict.<br />
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Back to the numbers for a minute: according to the US Census Bureau, 10 years after divorce, 87% of children reside primarily with their mothers (91% of those as a result of <i><b>agreed</b></i> custody decrees at the time of divorce) and fewer than 1 in 25 fathers actually fight for primary custody at the time of divorce. This disturbing trend brings me to my second point...<br />
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2. The failure to fully appreciate a father’s role in a healthy family, the difference in how men form and maintain relationships, and a resulting denigration of a father’s contribution to the development of his children by divorcing moms and sometimes, by family courts.<br />
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As I have noted elsewhere, there has been a remarkable lack of research into the role of fathers in normal children’s development until the last 30 years or so. Maternal-child bonding-attachment has been investigated for nearly 100 years but there has been little attention given to father-child bonding-attachment. Recent research, especially advances in brain imaging, have opened the door to the importance of the father’s unique contribution to the health development of children—<i>beginning at birth! </i>When fathers are engaged in holding, feeding, changing, talking to, and swinging babies around (as only fathers do), there are positive, identifiable changes in the brain structure and development of these fortunate children, and concurrent identifiable neurotransmitter and hormonal changes in dad as well. Dads and kids develop neurochemical “attunement” over their time together, and this attunement is reflected in positive parent-child relationships later in both their lives.<br />
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Regardless of the parents’ marital status, this father-child relationship needs to be fostered and encouraged, for the good of the children (and for society, as I will explain shortly). Children need to be nurtured, certainly, but they also need to be stimulated, challenged, and encouraged to be independent and courageous, and that’s what engaged fathers (in healthy families) do...<br />
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On the other hand, too many dads are opting out of being fully engaged dads, beginning at birth. Their own family histories, extreme attitudes about traditional family roles, economic/career pressures to work long hours, narcissistic personality features--whatever the reason--about 1 in 4 dads apparently are NOT bonding to their children through early, frequent engagement with their babies and toddlers, and consequently, both they and their children are missing out on the benefits of the potential attunement to each other.<br />
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This failure of dads to be engaged with their babies is a warning sign of marital problems occurring at the time or coming later. Disagreements about how to raise children are a major cause of divorce in young parents, and these dads who have not been involved in caring for their young children are likely to be clueless when they have a whole weekend of visitation with children they barely know or know how to care for. They are not closely bonded to their children, and their children may not be securely attached to them either.<br />
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This attunement failure can lead to challenging visits for both dad and the kids, and if not remedied by giving good information and training to dad, to children resisting visitation with a parent they don't trust. When this happens to a dad with narcissistic features, the resulting insult to the image of a "perfect" dad can lead to accusations that the mom is "poisoning" the children, "otherwise why wouldn't they want to be with a guy as wonderful as I am". It may also contribute to the alarming number of dads who completely bail after divorce (particularly after re-marriage-more about this below).<br />
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On the other hand, for dads who have been fully engaged from the children's birth in caretaking and parenting, unresolved marital conflict and parental hostility can lead to "Disneyland dad" allegations by mom. Dad may not have daily contact or caretaking responsibilities and spends his weekend visits doing fun, active, sports or recreational activities with the kids. In healthy families, it's what dads do.<br />
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In contrast to women, who make and maintain relationships by talking; men make and maintain relationships by doing things together. Children need two parents who can provide both kinds of relating in order to develop normally. Unfortunately, in the family court, even an engaged dad can find that his relationship style and contribution to his children's development is frequently not appreciated or inappropriately criticized as "not in the best interest of the children."<br />
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This failure to appreciate dad's different contribution to parenting can lead to less access and visitation for dad, and a loss of needed father contact for the children. We all need dads to stay engaged with their children, not just for them, but for all of us.<br />
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Unfortunately, an alarmingly large percentage of dads (nearly 25%, and I suspect they are NOT bonded to their children) completely disappear within a few years after the divorce from the child's mother, leaving the kids fatherless. The consequences for the children are shocking...<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilh9k8g6trY-khshYY3gpCwoSGk4KBl-kNWAk4Wwilb-MTqPP3DRKHJQfMvyOpcZ2jEC1C7t-KqWzTWI7JvAUNXp54p6AZ_Pceo3NqH6L1Ov73XIuoAiWjShYkqJAIHhi0pkxZIg/s1600/FactsAboutTheFatherless-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="870" data-original-width="1572" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilh9k8g6trY-khshYY3gpCwoSGk4KBl-kNWAk4Wwilb-MTqPP3DRKHJQfMvyOpcZ2jEC1C7t-KqWzTWI7JvAUNXp54p6AZ_Pceo3NqH6L1Ov73XIuoAiWjShYkqJAIHhi0pkxZIg/s400/FactsAboutTheFatherless-01.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
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As you can see, fatherless children are at the root of some of our more serious and costly social problems. This is a problem that crosses racial, ethnic, and economic boundaries, and costs all of us more $700 Billion a year in services, facilities, and lost tax dollars.<br />
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It seems that are some partial solutions:<br />
1. Continue to encourage the growth of collaborative divorce which early data suggests lessens ongoing family conflict post-divorce.<br />
2. Challenge allegations of "parental alienation" by dads who don't have history of engaging with their children from birth;<br />
3. Recognize and respect the complimentary but different contributions that moms and dads make to the development of healthy children, especially in divorce.<br />
4. Fatherless kids need mentors when they don't have dads; support and participate in mentoring programs for fatherless kids.<br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-72766971408271539502017-02-13T15:10:00.001-06:002017-02-13T15:16:38.943-06:00Why are clients willing to pay for coaching during divorce litigation? Because feelings really do matter to our clients<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">"You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free..." John 8:32</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">For more than 35 years now, since my third year in law school as a clerk in a boutique family law firm, I have had the privilege of listening to family law litigants tell me their stories. Most are disturbing and sad, tragic for the children involved, some are funny, and all involve the clients expressing their deepest desire to "tell their story" in their own way, and have someone really understand what they have experienced and what they fear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">As a pioneer and innovator in this unique niche in the litigation consulting industry, I frequently have to help family lawyers figure out a way to explain the value of my services to their clients. As litigants have become more and more cost conscious, lawyers have become more and more reluctant to talk to their clients about how a talented and experienced coach and consultant could help them and their families navigate a very trying and expensive process. This reluctance is a combination of prudent business and professional judgement and of a failure to understand the depth of the emotional strains faced by their clients who feel victimized by a system they don't understand and can't control. Some of my more empathic lawyer friends have truthfully told me they call me because they "really don't want to listen to that ..." and they know I will not only listen and help the client, but then provide them with legally relevant information that will help them win victories for their clients.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">As a shrink who operates in a world full of trial attorneys, I have taken a fair amount of mostly good-natured ribbing about being interested in our client's' "feelings". (To be honest, there are times when the attorney part of me doesn't care much about those feelings either.) Now, advances in brain imaging and monitoring have provided the scientific foundation for why "feelings matter" to our clients. The research exposed participants to a very confusing and stressful set of unfamiliar circumstances (sounds like family law litigation to me-just saying). The imaging and monitoring technology showed a brain clearly in chaos: rapid, spiking EEG waveforms, and an overall chaotic pattern of brain over-activity (recognize any clients yet?). Only one intervention was required to completely change the brain wave patterns to normal, rhythmic, stable, modulated, and calm: <i><b>correctly labeling the "feeling" being experienced</b></i>. Even I was impressed with the speed and the totality of the measured and experienced effect. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Who knew? I do now, and so do you. <b style="font-style: italic;">Labeling feelings helps the brain organize itself. </b>Knowing the truth about what the feeling is (an accurate label) allows the brain to change the way it functions and return to normal, and it happens fast!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">The other value that skilled coaching brings to family law litigants (and their lawyers) is the developing the ability to perform relevant and critical litigation tasks at a high level of skill. Lawyers seldom remember that the most widely experienced fear for 2/3 of our clients is: fear of public speaking (testifying). And as my clients have told me, this fear is magnified because they believe that if they fail to perform, they will lose their children (and that could actually happen). </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Teaching people the rules of evidence relevant to their testimony, the psychology of non-verbal persuasion in the courtroom for witnesses, cross examination and direct examination skills, and replacing fear with confidence provides clients with just the value that the credit card commercial claims:</i></b><i><b> it's priceless</b>. </i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">For parents in custody litigation, knowing they did their part in contributing to putting on a good case, even if they didn't get exactly what they wanted, provides peace of mind that eludes litigants who do poorly in a deposition or in court. </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">More of my clients have wished aloud that I had been hired sooner than have complained about my fees or that I was hired at all (the ratio is about 1000 to 1--there's always one). </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">As lawyers, even family lawyers, it's easy to ignore, minimize, or brush off those messy "feelings" that come with family conflict and the resulting chaos. Just remember, it's not the client's "will power" that needs adjustment, it's their brains. There's help for that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Now you know the truth...Call me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-6515811775058687362016-09-19T12:49:00.000-05:002016-09-19T12:50:27.762-05:00Why Narcissists are a Threat to Truth and Justice--And Not Just in Family Courts<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The narcissistic paradox: Narcissists have the ability to inspire confidence in their grandiose assertions about themselves without a shred of evidence of their competence.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For those of us who must deal with narcissists (Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD) as a part of our personal or professional life, whether as clients, partners, spouses, employers or bosses, few relationships are more challenging and frustrating. Literally millions of dollars are spent each year on professional counseling by the hapless victims of these charming, successful, and intelligent but toxic people to try to figure out how to live with inevitable scars resulting from a relationship of any kind with a narcissist. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The personal suffering of the millions of victims of NPDs has been well documented over the last 20 years or so by many talented and articulate writers. Both the DSM-V and Sam Vaknin (a self-admitted NPD himself) have clearly explained the characteristics of NPD, and I won't repeat that list here. Rather, I want to address the toxic and systemic impact of narcissism on the functioning of the courts, particularly the family court system, and the Courts' decisions about conservatorship of children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As we all learned in law school, our system of justice is predicated on the principle that out of the conflict of two trained advocates zealously representing the differing interests of their clients before an objective trier of fact, the truth will rise like a Phoenix out of the fires of conflict. I contend that in too many family court cases where an NPD is a party, this fundamental assumption about how truth is uncovered and justice is administered is fatally flawed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">First, when a NPD divorces, their spouse is already at a significant disadvantage. Spouses of NPDs are inevitably grossly wounded by their relationship, and many are so wounded that they have symptoms similar to those of combat veterans and PTSD sufferers. Worse, the isolation that they have lived with as a normal feature of their marriage has prevented them from realizing that the criticism, threats, insults, and humiliations that they suffered in private were NOT their fault, and they are NOT worthless human beings. As a result, they are difficult clients to represent because they have such low expectations that anyone can help them, and have to learn to stand up for themselves again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This background of humiliation and intimidation makes meeting with a divorce attorney a surreal experience where they are asked about details of their married life they frequently know nothing about: money, property, investments, and other assets. Inquiries about the children are more comfortable, and these moms are frequently very engaged with their kids (sometimes overly so). As mom's attorney begins to prepare for negotiating the terms of temporary orders for visitation, conservatorship, and support, the spouse's unease grows as she realizes that the odds of an agreement without a fight are very low. Furthermore, she knows how persuasive her NPD husband can be and how fearful she is of facing him in court.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Second, increasingly crowded family court dockets mean that time allocated for temporary hearings is declining. This trend favors NPDs, who can make damaging and completely specious allegations about their wounded spouse in their hearing testimony with no fear of being successfully challenged by their spouse's attorney with contravening <i>facts. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Two more core characteristics of the NPD style only make the challenge of finding facts in a short hearing even more difficult. NPDs respond to challenges of their outrageous fictions in two predictable ways: first, they "double-down" on the allegations and make even more grandiose and fictitious claims about their own character, accomplishments, and parenting ability; second, they<i> increase </i>their personal attacks on their spouse, again with <i>no </i>regard to the actual facts or the effects of those attacks on the mother of their children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One ironic NPD characteristic is actually helpful to the insightful attorney representing the spouse of a NPD. One of the primary ways that NPDs cope and protect their grandiose views of themselves as "all good" or perfect, is to blame their opponents for actions they themselves are doing. For example, in a recent case, an NPD dad accused his ex-wife of substance abuse, but when the court ordered drug tests, the results showed that HE was using cocaine and pot, while his ex had nothing but prescription drugs ordered by her doctor in therapeutic doses in her blood. [Multiple instances of this pattern are currently in evidence in the race for president of the US]. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Bottom line: If you want to know what an NPD has done or is doing that they know to be wrong or "bad", listen to what they are accusing their opponent of doing!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The problem for family courts who do their best to find the truth and administer justice for children and families is this: While our legal process is the best in the world for catching witnesses in a lie, that process takes time in court for painstaking fact-checking in cross examination and the requisite pre-trial preparation to work. In a world where Twitter's 140 character limit now sets the standard for meaningful communication, NPDs have substantial advantage, and the same goes in Courts who only have time for a 45 minute hearing to make a decision. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The abbreviated hearing system is tilted toward the charm, confidence, and baseless but alarming allegations of the NPD litigant whose lies are unlikely to be successfully challenged in 20 minutes. As I teach my coaching clients, confidence is a large component of how people (and Courts) evaluate witness credibility, and NPDs have the charm, intelligence, cunning, and confidence to be<i> very</i> credible sounding witnesses while they spout an ever changing string of outright lies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The system is likewise tilted against the shell-shocked spouse of the NPD who knows the allegations are completely false but largely because of her toxic relationship with the NPD appears anxious, confused, uncertain, and is unable to defend herself agains the lies and be an effective witness for herself and her children. And she knows that after the hearing is over, regardless of the outcome or what the Court orders, the NPD is going to do exactly what he wants to do anyway because that is what he has always done.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Advanced Practice Tips and Tools for Attorneys Representing the Spouse of NPDs:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1. If your client looks unusually anxious, depressed, hopeless despite being married to a highly successful, professional, executive, or especially political, man suspect NPD in the man and get the wife to confirm the list (Google narcissistic personality to find everything you need).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2. Suspect hidden assets and extramarital relationships as well as substance abuse from the outset. NPDs will do or say anything to get what they want or think they deserve.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">3. Remember, whatever the NPD is telling his attorney about your client is mostly self-serving lies, and the opposing attorney is most likely "under the spell" of the charming and persuasive NPD. Remember the old joke "Q: How can you tell when X is lying? A: His lips are moving" was written about NPDs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">4. Take the time to prepare your client to testify in the hearing by first, getting a good marital history that you also need to prepare for cross examination of the NPD spouse, and second, by coaching and practicing her direct testimony and the expected cross examination. (Some witnesses freeze when they hear the enormous lies and incomprehensible allegations about themselves for the first time in court; they just can't process it fast enough)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">5. NPDs only back down when they are humiliated in public, in my experience. Their grandiose and perfect self image is the most important thing in life to them; if that's damaged or in danger, they lose interest in litigating and are more likely to be amenable to settlement.</span>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-15345707317911585642016-09-01T11:02:00.000-05:002016-09-01T11:02:26.559-05:00My Friend is Going Through a Divorce--How do I Help?There are few life crises that leave a caring person more confused and uncertain about what to do than watching a good friend go through a divorce. For other crises, accidents, deaths in the family, financial crises, life-threatening diagnoses, the "right" response and the help needed is more obvious and straightforward, and usually a group of friends will naturally come together to provide help and support. For a variety of reasons, this rarely happens when a couple divorces.<br />
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Whether they initiated the divorce or not, the divorcing friend has a complex set of challenges to master as they move from being married to being single. They have to find a new home, furnish it, and open all the new accounts to finance the new life. At the same time, they have to continue working to support themselves (and sometimes their soon to be "ex" as well). They have to manage the legal divorce process, usually by hiring an attorney to represent them, even if the divorce is collaborative or by mutual agreement. These tasks are time consuming and can be overwhelming because they all happen at once, and most of these tasks can't be delegated to even the most compassionate and available friend. But while the list is daunting, the tasks are doable with a little persistence and good humor. Good friends can be cheerleaders and even companions while these tasks are mastered, but there is a limit to how much a caring friend can help with these basic life tasks.<br />
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This post is focused on the part of the process where a caring friend can make a difference. While most of my experience in this area has been professional as I helped my clients overcome these social and emotional challenges of bouncing back from divorce, my recent personal experience has provided a new level of understanding and appreciation for how a network of caring friends can make the transition easier, and what is and is not helpful. So here's my "Top Ten List" (I miss Dave Letterman!) of suggestions for how to help a friend get through a divorce and successfully transition to being single again.<br />
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1. Be there. Call, email, text every day just to check in. No need for long conversations or expressions of sympathy or advice. Just be there in some way every day for a while. You'll know when to back off.<br />
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2. Make time to meet your friend for lunch or happy hour every week. If you have mutual friends, make it a group outing. Keep the focus on your mutual interests, what's happening in the the world, family, or whatever comes up, and make room for a report about the divorce but keep it short and shallow. Encourage socializing; discourage serious dating for at least the first year, especially for men.<br />
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3. Avoid siding with your friend and bashing the soon to be former spouse. No relationship fails unless both people contribute to its demise; if there are children, your friend has to co-parent with the ex and stirring up resentment will make that harder, not easier. At the same time, don't let your friend take all the blame for the divorce either.<br />
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4. Encourage your friend to take time off from work to get settled in the new home and have time to think through a new plan for the future. If the friend is the stay at home mom, get some friends to plan a day of activities for the kids to give mom a break to just rest and recover a bit or have a spa day. Healing takes quiet time.<br />
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5. If the divorce (or the marriage before divorce) has been emotionally traumatic, encourage your friend to get counseling, and regardless of the marriage history, to get into a good divorce recovery program at church.<br />
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6. Daily routines are a stress reducer, so encourage the establishment (or re-establishment) of a health daily routine: regular bedtimes, meals, exercise, and leisure time. Discourage excessive time at work; encourage balance and time alone.<br />
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7. Encourage your friend to forgive their "ex", regardless of their failures, transgressions, or omissions. Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling.<br />
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8. Help your friend focus on the present and the future; discourage repetitive recounting of the past--change the subject. If they are having trouble with letting go, encourage them to journal every day until they are through.<br />
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9. It's been said that every relationship is either a blessing or a lesson. In my experience, there are both in every relationship, but some are not evident except in hindsight. Encourage your friend to take time to find both and write them down. Lessons learned don't have to be repeated.<br />
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10. Finally, and most importantly, encourage your friend to be grateful every day. Research has demonstrated that people who list 3 things on paper every day for a week that they are grateful for, are less prone to depression and anxiety a month later! This is especially important for middle-aged and older men who are particularly at risk for depression and suicide when they're alone.<br />
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Divorce is certainly a painful and difficult life transition for nearly everyone. Divorce also presents an opportunity for transformation because so many of a person's life structures are in flux all at once. Using these suggestions, you can help your friend use this life crisis as an opportunity to build a better life and a better future.<br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-57611077448226914852014-11-24T10:25:00.004-06:002014-11-24T10:25:57.237-06:00A Response to NerdWallet's article about the "Best Places to Live as a Single Mom"<div>
Editor, NerdWallet:</div>
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I was very interested to find your article about the best places to live as a single mom, and since I live in Frisco, TX, and love it here, surprised to find our city on the list at number 2. Improving the quality of life of fatherless kids and single moms is a mission of mine, so any light that illuminates these families and their challenges is much appreciated. While I was initially excited, my enthusiasm turned to disappointment when drilled down into your analysis.</div>
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I am working to develop a family center that would serve fatherless kids and single moms for all their needs in one location. As a divorce expert, I have learned first hand that kids from more affluent families are more negatively impacted by divorce than less affluent kids, and the primary reason is the significantly greater negative economic impacts suffered by these kids and their moms after divorce. (BTW 43% of ALL children haven't seen their dads in the last year, and that's not just the kids of divorce.) My work has driven me to learn about the economic and emotional challenges these families must overcome to bounce back from divorce.</div>
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In any case, here are some relevant facts that might have changed your analysis:</div>
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According to the US Census Bureau,</div>
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<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
<li>28% of US households are single parent homes</li>
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<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
<li>6% of Frisco, TX households are single parent homes</li>
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<ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
<li>3 The median number of people per single parent household in Frisco</li>
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If Frisco, TX is such a great place for single moms, why aren't there more of them?<br />
<br />The answer lies in your own numbers:<br />
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<li>Median income $4400/month (BTW, median child support in Texas is $430/per month)</li>
</ul>
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<li>Median mortgage $2175/month</li>
<li>Median child care $700/month (infant)</li>
<li>Median child care $$650/month (4 year old pre-school child)</li>
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Most experts agree that when housing costs alone exceed %50 of monthly income, the family experiencing significant financial stress. So a single mom with 2 young kids in Frisco, TX who is trying to work to support her family is financially stressed, since housing and child care consume nearly 80% of her monthly income. Who can live like that in Frisco? No one.<br />
<br />Perhaps it is clear why only 6% of Frisco households are single parents--MOST single moms cannot afford to live here, and we "export" them to surrounding communities with lower housing costs (and lower quality of schools and life). The reason I say "surrounding communities" is that most child custody orders in divorce cases include geographic restrictions as to the residence of the children requiring either agreement from the dad or litigation and court approval in order to move. Single moms do NOT have the same degree of mobility as the rest of us, so a list of the "Best Places to be a Single Mom" is interesting but not actually useful to single moms, since they can't really move.<br />
<br />While I am sure the city of Frisco appreciates the good press (which we don't need by the way, since the rest of the economy is booming), your analysis of the Frisco economic climate for single moms is deeply flawed. I wonder if the same is true for the other "Best Places to Live" locations as well?<br />
<br />A few more relevant facts:<br />
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<li>25% of all single moms receive NO child support</li>
<li>Another 30% receive payments that are late or less than the full amount</li>
<li>50% of all single moms live below the poverty line</li>
<li>In North Texas, 70% of all listed job openings CANNOT support a single parent family above the poverty level</li>
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Please consider a follow up article that provides more than just a cursory list of statistics and supports a more thoughtful and integrated analysis that highlights this growing invisible economic epidemic and the personal hardships that are being created.<br />
<br />There really are no "best places" for most single moms to live.</div>
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Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-23110953905197945652014-07-29T09:44:00.000-05:002014-07-29T09:45:26.668-05:00Emotional Freedom: Phases in Recovery from Divorce<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Emotional recovery from divorce happens in phases not stages.</span></i><br />
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After helping hundreds of people bounce back from the challenges of divorce, I have learned that recovery happens in phases, not stages. While most people talk about the various components of emotional recovery using different terms or labels, there appears to be a general consensus about these 5 emotional components: denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness, and acceptance. Some people, mostly Christian writers, emphasize forgiveness as a critical component to recovery and freedom, and I agree with them, so I have included included it here. More on that later.<br />
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These are phases of recovery from divorce, not stages. No one moves through this process one component after another in a rigid order. Rather, the primary emotional focus changes over time and like most things in life, it's more like waves than stairs. Successful recovery requires riding, not fighting, the waves until the storm passes.<br />
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I was trained as a psychologist, so of course, I have developed a self-assessment, a rating scale for each of the 6 components of recovery. Here's an example of someone in the early phases where the highest wave peak is feeling angry:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3uicYCKNvT0XavdSV8fZJw11L3gfPuuDXijpGxFmBNkmWBweJqfzpJZhiwqIIVazvtrFQhCv8jFZSt7vA7_uDA0qcZpdkl0msfaLITXUtpURd3v1GBSt_6xL5rmwd_gxYt4zPSA/s1600/Copy+of+Life+After+Breakup+Session+2+Emotional+Recovery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3uicYCKNvT0XavdSV8fZJw11L3gfPuuDXijpGxFmBNkmWBweJqfzpJZhiwqIIVazvtrFQhCv8jFZSt7vA7_uDA0qcZpdkl0msfaLITXUtpURd3v1GBSt_6xL5rmwd_gxYt4zPSA/s1600/Copy+of+Life+After+Breakup+Session+2+Emotional+Recovery.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
In my divorce recovery seminars, I encourage people to rate themselves at least weekly on each of the 6 phases of recovery during their journaling time. This provides a nice visual thermometer for how they're doing on the road to recovery. As recovery progresses, the bars on the left get shorter, and the bars on the right get taller.<br />
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A note about forgiveness: it's a choice. A difficult one, but still a choice. The research is quite clear about this: people who forgive their "ex" are able to move on; those who don't remain stuck in bitterness or depression that affects their entire lives from then on. The Bible makes it clear that forgiveness is not optional for Christians, it's required. Where there is no forgiveness, there is no recovery, and God knows that.<br />
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A few relevant factoids about recovery:<br />
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<li>Most legal divorces take around 15 months to complete, at least in Texas. </li>
<li>The divorce recovery process takes most people 18 months to 2 years, <i>from the time they start. </i></li>
<li>That usually means that the person who initiates the divorce has a head start of at least a few months over the spouse who gets the bad news. </li>
<li>90% of men, and 60% of women don't really recover and grow emotionally, they just go back to the old way of living and relationships, <i>because they never forgive their "ex".</i></li>
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Decide to recovery completely; forgive your "ex". Do it for you, not them.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-72548366902987687272013-08-30T15:13:00.001-05:002016-10-13T06:02:30.558-05:0010 Barriers to Settlement in Mediation or Litigation of Family Law cases<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">A compromise is the art of
dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br />
<span class="apple-style-span"> -</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #000066;"><a href="http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/173.html">Ludwig Erhard</a></span></span></span></span></i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>[Erhard is a cynic, and I think he's wrong. You get what you expect. KK]</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Recently, I had the privilege of talking with two warriors on the front lines of family conflict: a marriage and family pastor at Gateway Church in Frisco, and Kevin Fuller, Board Certified Family Law attorney, talented mediator, and highly regarded advocate for collaborative divorce in Dallas. Both expressed the recognition of the same problem: growing numbers of people, who reluctantly divorce, don't want to engage in high-conflict traditional litigation, nor try the new-fangled collaborative divorce, even with its promise of "no going to court". Both of these men recognized the need for mediation before lawyers get involved, and Fuller has begun to offer "parties only" mediation to some of his inquiring clients. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">We all agreed that there is a need for a way to resolve, not exacerbate, family disputes and find workable solutions the issues inherent in dissolving a marriage without fracturing the family. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Our discussions inevitably turned to the frustrations of trying to walk our clients through the process of divorce, property division, financial support for spouses and children, and conservatorship and visitation plans while the wounds of divorce are still bleeding. These conversations prompted me to consider the barriers to reaching agreements in these very trying circumstances. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Here's my "Top 10 List of Barriers to Reaching Agreement":</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">1, Lack of a shared vision for the <u><b>future</b></u>. Most people have not considered, and find it hard to consider, what their lives will look like after smoke clears and to develop a reasonable plan to make it happen. Couple with children need to have a shared vision for the future of their children and their mutual part in that future, so that they can work TOGETHER to make it happen. Without that shared vision, self protection and "me-first" drive the problem solving process into a ditch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">2. Anger and the desire to retaliate. The most prominent anchor to the past is anger and retaliation. As one recently collaboratively divorced client put it "You have to give up the hope for a better past". While anger and hurt and the desire for revenge is understandable, when it persists, at high levels, it becomes a barrier to solving problems and reaching agreements.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">3. John Gottman's divorce research identified "personal attacks on the character" of the spouse as one factor predicting inevitable divorce. Once the decision to divorce as been made and the legal process started, those same personal attacks can de-rail progress toward resolution. Legal process doesn't mitigate those attacks, generally the increased stress raises the frequency and intensity of those attacks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">4. Another anchor in the past which interferes with problem solving in the present and a plan for the future is un-forgiveness. No person gets to the decision that divorce is the best option without hurting their spouse in some way, and no spouse can reasonably claim that they have no responsibility for the relationship failing. Multitudes of sages have written that holding a grudge poisons the person who hangs on to the offense, and it frequently interferes with logical decision making in divorce negotiations.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">5. Fear and anxiety can seriously impair logical thinking and rational planning. Some people who are mildly anxious before divorce begins become panic stricken during the process. Fearful spouses develop new fears during this period. The catastrophic thinking that may accompany these fears and anxieties can so restrict the perceptions of people that they literally see the world through a straw, as their brain literally narrows its focus to try to protect them against information overload. When you can only see one option, and it looks like doomsday, compromise is impossible.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">6. Empathy failures and contempt. Contempt is another one of Gottman's factors that predict divorce. The inability to put oneself in the other person's shoes, difficult for many in the best of times, frequently disappears during the pain of divorce. If contempt (the opposite of empathy) was present before and contributed to the breakup, the eye rolling and mocking is only exaggerated during divorce. It's hard to give in and work with someone whom you don't respect and don't value at all. New research suggest that narcissists, who are prone to contempt of their partners during divorce, have the ability to turn empathy off and on; just reminding them to turn it on is sometimes enough too get a change of attitude and behavior that can lead to resolution.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">7. Lack of expressed gratitude for the other spouse's contributions to the marriage relationship. 70-80 per cent of divorces occur in low conflict couples, and the spouse report that they just "drifted apart" and the marriage "died". This decreasing intimacy also reflects another of Gottman's findings; in failing marriages the ratio of positive to negative interactions falls to a ratio of 1 to 1. (In healthy relationships, the ratio is 20 to 1). In order to rebuild a "devitalized" relationship enough to work together to end it, both parties need to be able to express genuine appreciation for the real, positive contributions of their soon to be former spouse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">8. Failure to take any personal responsibility for the current difficulties that are interfering with reaching a resolution. Once again, since productive problem solving requires a focus on the present and the future, when any these emotional barriers to agreement that I have enumerated arise (and nearly all of them do at some point), further progress is stymied unless BOTH parties can acknowledge their own (not their partner's) challenges and struggles. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">9. Hopelessness and depression can make a good resolution appear to be impossible. Feelings of despair, sadness, and even symptoms of depression do occur with regularity during the process of divorcing. For most people, either because of effective treatment or just emotional resilience, these symptoms are not debilitating. However, for a significant minority of divorcing women AND men, depression and the hopeless outlook that goes with it, can interfere with rational thinking and problem solving. Fortunately, current treatments are more than 85% effective in alleviating depression.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">10. Kevin Fuller helped me with this last category of barriers to successful agreement, and I have labeled it "cognitive impairments". This category of extremely challenging behaviors includes untreated substance abuse and it's accompanying cognitive disabilities, <u>untreated</u> serious and persistent mental illness (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia) and the thinking difficulties that are inherent to those illnesses, and untreated personality disorders like anti-social personality disorder (the "just plain mean and disagreeable" folks) and the borderline personality sufferers who are stuck in rigid "black and white" thinking patterns. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">The good news is that NONE of these barriers to successful resolution are insurmountable, and there are strategies and tools for removing them or working around them to reach a mutually satisfactory settlement agreement. The bad news is: it takes time, skills, and patience. More about that in the next post.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">And no, Mr. Erhard, you don't have to manipulate people into believing that they "got the biggest piece of the cake". In fact, real agreements are the opposite of that cynical view of settlement--a fully informed, mutually agreed upon plan for the present and the future that both parties embrace, because they made it happen themselves. As my contracts prof used to say "a true meeting of the minds".</span></div>
Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-443880893491636672013-07-10T10:32:00.000-05:002013-07-10T13:16:25.155-05:00It's summer vacation/extended summer visitation time again; sexual abuse allegations revisitedIn Texas, many divorced parents have mixed feelings about summer vacation. Most standard custody orders give the parent who doesn't have "primary possession" of the child(ren) 42 days of visitation during the summer. This means that the parent with primary possession gets an extended break from parenting responsibilities and the other parent gets a chance to spend some quality time with the kids when they aren't in school. Theoretically, it's a win-win.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, for a small group of parents, summer vacation means extended visitation for the children in an environment that is not only not stable, but sometimes is actually harmful to the kids. When the former spouse who is not the parent with primary possession, there is usually a good reason, especially if the arrangement was the result of litigation rather than friendly agreement. When the dad has primary possession (still a rare occurrence), and mom is the one with visitation, the risks of extended summer visitation to the kids is greater than normal.<br />
<br />
This small group of moms who don't have primary possession of their children usually (not always) have found themselves in this position because they have one or more of these challenges that they haven't been able to overcome: histories and current unstable or abusive relationships, untreated depression, anxiety, or substance abuse, and/or severe personality disorders like borderline personality disorder or antisocial/narcissistic personality disorder. These issues represent a risk because they are nearly always accompanied by very low empathy for the kids and a pathological level of self-absorption and denial that can be dangerous.<br />
<br />
The typical pattern for this group of unstable moms is a repetition of a life-long pattern: impulsive commitment to a relationship with a man who is both charming and abusive. If that man also has children from a previous relationship, the potential for a chaotic home environment is multiplied since HE is unlikely to be primary possessory parent, and HIS kids are also likely to be with him for extended periods of time in the summer. Most of these families are middle class at best, meaning that both parents probably work full-time, leaving the kids to supervise themselves for long periods of time. This lack of constant adult supervision during the day is a recipe for major chaos, and dramatically increases the risks for bullying by step-siblings, and even abuse, physical or sexual.<br />
<br />
So what is a concerned parent to do?<br />
<br />
1. Maintain contact with your kids--a daily phone call to say good night is good for them and for you.<br />
2. When they get home, listen to the stories they tell, but don't interrogate your kids.<br />
3. Watch for changes in their behavior: increased aggressiveness, anxiety, sadness or withdrawal, or regression to more dependent or infantile behavior that can be symptoms of stress.<br />
4. When your kids spontaneously report episodes of abuse, take action.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Consult a mental health professional to get some objective analysis of your concerns.</li>
<li>If it sounds like abuse, report it to CPS.</li>
<li>If there are bruises or other injuries, get them treated; take photos.</li>
<li>Call a family law specialist and get some advice about what your options are for protecting your kids.</li>
</ul>
Most kids enjoy having extended summer visitation with the non-custodial parent and everybody benefits from the change in routine. But if you're a parent in the high risk category I described, don't be afraid, but do be alert.<br />
<br />
For more information and tips about divorce:<br />
<br />
Dr. Karlson's latest book "When ALL Else Fails: Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce is available on Amazon and Kindle. Here's the link:<br />
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut">http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut</a></b><br />
<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-28257016387486175512013-07-01T10:24:00.000-05:002013-07-02T10:20:39.074-05:00Positive Mental Health: What is it? The Glass is Half Full<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidEi9MrqHTopycTMvcGRgU08WzHyB7ugSmXe6f6fVh_xgmQ-Ih3Vh8pjK_g5WIlmwdA4fneBv20gmXhzLQC6_aP5Y0y1UYemg1M-WqY2cHmV8dfe59rEYcd_3yEd8cSJ7viGEacQ/s504/glass+half+full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidEi9MrqHTopycTMvcGRgU08WzHyB7ugSmXe6f6fVh_xgmQ-Ih3Vh8pjK_g5WIlmwdA4fneBv20gmXhzLQC6_aP5Y0y1UYemg1M-WqY2cHmV8dfe59rEYcd_3yEd8cSJ7viGEacQ/s320/glass+half+full.jpg" width="320" /></a>I recently applied to be considered for the position of President of the Meadows Foundation Mental Health Institute in Dallas. As a part my due diligence in the application process, I had a very illuminating conversation with Dr. Lynda Foster of the Hogg Foundation for Mental Health, a highly regarded agency which advocates for better mental health care and provides funds for research, policy development, and treatment programs in Texas. Despite the name of the Foundation, it occurred to me afterward, our entire discussion was about "mental illness" not "mental health".<br />
<br />
This revelation follows on the heels of an invited speech I recently gave to Contact Dallas at the urging of Amy Stewart where I talked about "Characteristics of Healthy Leaders", a speech I repeated to the North Dallas Bar in June. The "top 10 list" (my apologies to David Letterman) of things that healthy leaders do actually applies to everyone, not just leaders, so I decided to include it here as well.<br />
<br />
So here it is, my list of top 10 characteristics of mentally healthy people:<br />
<br />
1. Healthy people can identify and articulate their own feelings.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Daniel Goleman (the Emotional Intelligence guy) and a host of others now recognize that this one of the most important abilities of a successful person. </li>
<li>fMRI research has revealed that once a feeling is labeled with a word, the chaos in the brain ceases and order is restored; centers of the brain which generate logical, focused, problem solving can begin to operate.</li>
</ul>
<div>
2. Healthy people make time to be alone.</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>They make room in their schedules for quiet time every day.</li>
<li>They consciously contemplate the Divine (pray or meditate)</li>
<li>They take a sabbatical (not a vacation) regularly</li>
</ul>
<div>
3. Healthy people have a personal vision, mission, and purpose for their lives.</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Vision creates hope that lasts through crises</li>
<li>Purpose is a reason for being beyond roles and making money.</li>
<li>Together, these create meaning.</li>
<li>Dr. Martin Seligman talks about 5 factors critical to flourishing (PERMA):</li>
<ul>
<li>Positive emotion</li>
<li>Engagement</li>
<li>Relationships</li>
<li>Meaning</li>
<li>Accomplishment</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
4. Healthy people serve others.</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Service (outside of work) provides big picture perspective.</li>
<li>Research in 131 countries found that people experience a sense of well being from giving that exceeds that from receiving.</li>
</ul>
<div>
5. Healthy people have friends who care about them.</div>
<ul>
<li>Relationships are a protection against depression, anxiety, aging, and illness.</li>
<li>Being able to ACCEPT help from a close friend is a strong measure of mental health.</li>
</ul>
<div>
6. Healthy people make music a part of their lives.</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Research proves that music stimulates the brain in ways that nothing else can.</li>
<li>"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything" Plato (I am listening to music as I write this)</li>
</ul>
<div>
7. Healthy people learn continuously.</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Neuroscience research has demonstrated that new learning creates new growth of neurons in the brain; the "trees" in your brain add new branches when you learn something new.</li>
<li>Healthy people consciously add new skills to their "bucket list" and then learn how to do them throughout life.</li>
</ul>
<div>
8. Healthy people stay active.</div>
<ul>
<li>Walk, run, dance, golf, whatever... healthy people do something active every day.</li>
<li>Their is no "mind-body" dichotomy; physical activity is critical to mental health.</li>
</ul>
<div>
9. Healthy people have fun.</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Benefits of laughter are well documented by neuroscience research: it increases dopamine (the feel-good neurotransmitter), decreases cortisol (the stress neurotransmitter), and improves overall health.</li>
</ul>
<div>
10. Healthy people are positive and grateful; grateful people are healthy.</div>
</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Gratitude is a choice; healthy people have learned it.</li>
<li>Gratitude inoculates against depression and anxiety</li>
<li>Gratitude is contagious</li>
</ul>
<div>
A quick exercise from Dr. Seligman to increase your mental health:</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. Every day, write down 3 good things that happened to you, and </div>
<div>
2. What made them good.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This simple exercise has proven to increase feelings of well-being 3 months after doing it for only a week! Healthy people make gratitude a part of their everyday life. Try it!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
Be sure to check out my latest book, now available on Amazon and Kindle. When ALL Else Fails: Minimizing the Damage, Before, During, and After Divorce is filled with tips and tools when you are trying to decide what to do and how to do it.<br />
<br />
Here's the link to Amazon:<a href="http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut">http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut</a></div>
<br />
<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-46086783982202981982013-06-07T13:14:00.000-05:002013-06-07T13:14:02.509-05:00BEFORE DIVORCE TOOLS: HOW EXPERTS PREDICT WHETHER A COUPLE WILL DIVORCE<b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: This is an excerpt from the book "When ALL Else Fails: Minimizing the Damage, Before, During, and After Divorce" by Kevin Karlson JD PhD available now on Amazon and Kindle.</span></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is </i></span><i style="font-size: x-small;">almost as silly as getting married just because you do. </i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Zsa </i></span><i style="font-size: x-small;">Zsa Gabor</i><br />
<i style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></i>
If you are thinking about divorce but are unsure about whether to do it<br />
or not, this may help you decide. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the<br />
Gottman Institute in Seattle, has emerged as a leading expert in the<br />
understanding of marriage dynamics and in predicting divorce. After<br />
more than 25 years of research and therapy with married and divorcing<br />
couples, a number of basic patterns in how married couples interact can<br />
be used to predict divorce (in the absence of change in these patterns).<br />
<br />
First, there are two periods in married life when the risk of divorce is<br />
higher:<br />
<br />
After 5-7 years of marriage when conflict is usually highest.<br />
<br />
After 10-12 years of marriage, as a result of lost intimacy.<br />
<br />
It should be noted that marital conflict often increases when a baby<br />
arrives, which usually happens during the first few years of marriage<br />
(see bullet one above).<br />
<br />
After the first child is born, 40 to 70% of couples<br />
report significant declines in satisfaction with their marriage. So, a<br />
period of marital dissatisfaction is the norm after the first child is born,<br />
and in the absence of malignant interaction patterns, does NOT<br />
necessarily lead to divorce . (Remember, most unhappiness is<br />
temporary.)<br />
<br />
The process that leads to loss of intimacy takes longer to result in<br />
divorce, and research has identified the malignant interaction patterns<br />
that DO predict divorce. These are:<br />
<br />
A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions<br />
(<i>for happy couples the ratio of positive to negative interactions is</i><br />
<i>20 to 1</i>).<br />
<br />
Mutual criticism (<i>personal attacks on character, NOT</i><br />
<i>complaints about specific behavior</i>).<br />
<br />
Defensiveness (<i>“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what</i><br />
<i>YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility</i>).<br />
<br />
Stonewalling (<i>refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict</i>).<br />
<br />
Contempt for the partner (<i>eye rolling, sarcastic humor,</i><br />
<i>mocking</i>).<br />
<br />
Of the last four factors, those Gottman called the “four horsemen” (of<br />
the Apocalypse), contempt is the worst, and most damaging to<br />
marriages.<br />
<br />
Here are some other findings from the research on marriage:<br />
<br />
Conventional wisdom says it is not a good idea to “go to bed<br />
angry”. Gottman discovered that “flooding” – a physiological<br />
phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s<br />
heart rates too high for them to think clearly and concentrate<br />
on the conversation at hand. He found that taking the time to<br />
calm down before finishing an angry conversation is more likely<br />
to help couples stay close and connected. So take a time out,<br />
and if it’s late, agree to start over in the morning.<br />
<br />
From the research on domestic violence, we have learned that<br />
couples therapy with battering couples actually makes things<br />
worse for the woman—not better—another significant<br />
departure from the conventional wisdom. Partners need to get<br />
individual therapy.<br />
<br />
The Bottom Line<br />
<br />
If your relationship is not overwhelmingly positive in your pattern of<br />
interactions with your partner, but rather is characterized by Gottman’s<br />
“four horsemen” of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and<br />
especially contempt, <i><b>your odds of being divorced are more than four</b></i><br />
<i><b>out of five within five years. </b></i><br />
<br />
If you want to stay married, you both need to change the way you<br />
interact. When marriages fail, both parties contribute to the failure.<br />
Take responsibility for your contribution and get help. That means<br />
getting professional help for both of you. Do it now.Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-33372298981925364822013-06-04T13:42:00.000-05:002013-06-04T13:42:43.377-05:00Divorce Through the Eyes of a Child: Development Begins for 1/2 hour reality TV showNearly 1 in 3 children of divorce haven't seen their fathers in the past year. Divorce Through the Eyes of a Child is a pilot for a 1/2 hour reality TV program which will allow these fatherless kids and their moms to tell their stories, using both the words and the drawings of the children, and interviews with their moms.<br />
<br />
In order to fund this important project, we have launched a fundraising campaign on Rocket hub. If you have a heart for these kids of divorce with no dads, as I do, then please join us and help us tell their stories. Here's the link:<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="416" scrolling="no" src="http://www.rockethub.com/projects/27144-divorce-through-the-eyes-of-a-child-1-2-hour-reality-tv-show-pilot/widgets/panel" width="288"></iframe>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-21720252965878606862013-06-03T12:12:00.002-05:002013-06-04T13:35:11.247-05:00Updated and Re-Titled: When ALL Else Fails-Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce is now available<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Happy Monday,</b><br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<b><img alt="Inline image 1" class="" height="145" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=09ebeadc05&view=att&th=13f0ae4ddc0bf757&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=ii_13f0ae0e157b8be7&zw&atsh=1" width="200" /></b></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<b>I am pleased to announce that my book "When ALL Else Fails-Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce" is now available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: <span style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://tinyurl.com/<wbr></wbr>qzlndut</a> </span></b></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<b style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></b></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I continue to welcome referrals for trial preparation/consultation cases in family law and commercial litigation and post divorce coaching.</b></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Thanks for your continued support.</b></span></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16px;"><b><iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="416" scrolling="no" src="http://www.rockethub.com/projects/27144-divorce-through-the-eyes-of-a-child-1-2-hour-reality-tv-show-pilot/widgets/panel" width="288"></iframe></b></span></span></div>
</div>
Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-36190806383775975862012-12-18T11:39:00.000-06:002012-12-18T11:48:19.940-06:00Newtown Tragedy: Why YOUR Child is Safe Today<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Disclaimer: I have no personal knowledge of the facts in this horrifying case. This analysis is based solely on the many media reports I have reviewed and some or many of these "facts" may turn out to be incorrect. I do have professional knowledge about violence and professional experience in interviewing a mass murderer as an expert witness in the Dallas "Ianni's" mass murder case in 1984.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
After the shocking events at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Ct. last Friday, I know many parents are concerned for the safety of their children this week. The apparent unpredictability and incomprehensible brutality of this tragedy can play on the fears of many parents that their children are not safe at school. The flurry of meetings at schools around the country where parents are demanding increased security at school and Texas officials are talking about letting teachers carry guns in the classroom for protection underline the sense of desperation and concern prevalent today.<br />
<br />
<b>Your Children Are As Safe As They Have Always Been--Very Safe</b><br />
<br />
Based on the best available data, the chances of ANY child being killed by a gun (anywhere, not just at school) is about 3 in 100000. The chances of your child being hit by lightning are about 1 in 700000, and for being killed in a car accident are 1 in 23000, so that means if you want to keep your children safe from the greatest danger they face, drive safely when you take them to school.<br />
<br />
Bottom line: Your kids are safe in school today.<br />
<br />
<b>Why The Newtown Tragedy is so Rare: A Confluence of Highly Unusual Circumstances</b><br />
<br />
In these highly charged emotional times, it is always tempting to search for an easy answer to the question "why did this happen?", and you will probably hear a few simple theories propounded in the next few days and weeks. Just a reminder, there are NO simple answers; simple answers are always incomplete and sometimes just wrong. These unusual events are always a combination of a unique and complex combination of contributing factors, and no single factor is the answer.<br />
<br />
To understand why this case is so unusual, one must understand a few of important facts. First, mass murders are very unusual. In the last 30 years, there have been 62 mass murders in the US out of nearly 500000 murders, so despite the massive media coverage that makes mass murder seem like an every day occurrence, it is very rare, even among murders, which are rare themselves. In the US, only 1 in every 2000 people was a murder victim last year, and the vast majority of those victims were killed by someone they knew, <i>not</i> by a stranger. Since 2000, the rate of mass murders in the US is DECLINING.<br />
<br />
In order to consider the likelihood of a particular unusual event, one must multiply the odds of each potentially contributing circumstance to reach a reasonable guess about the real risks. As a litigation consultant working with lawyers every day to help them evaluate these risks in their cases, and as a former forensic psychologist and expert in a famous Dallas mass murder case, I have some insights to share about the Newtown case.<br />
<br />
<b>Adam Lanza was a very unusual kid</b><br />
<br />
First, by all reports, Adam was a very bright kid, and many news reports describe him as a "genius". Technically, a genius is someone with an IQ of more than 130, putting them in the the top 1% of all people. Very unusually smart, and given the amount of planning that apparently went into this massacre, Adam was probably this smart.<br />
<br />
Second, Adam was reportedly diagnosed with "Asperger's Syndrome (AS)". This is also a very unusual condition and in 1992 was present in about 1 in every 100 kids, though currently the incidence is 1 in 88. Kids with AS have a cluster of unique features, many of which were identified in press reports about Adam: difficulty in making eye contact, unusual dress habits like wearing the same shirt and pants every day with the shirt buttoned up to the neck, shyness, difficulty communicating, obsessions with computers and video games, and difficulties in empathizing with others. There is NO research linking AS to violence: None.<br />
<br />
Third, Adam reportedly had a very rare condition called congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP), a disorder so rare, the total number of reported cases, ever, is less than 1000. These kids are at considerable risk for injury, and must be monitored closely because they can seriously injure themselves and not feel it. Some research also suggests that these kids have reduced empathy probably because they have no experience with pain. This is a less than 1 in a million occurrence.<br />
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Adam was a child of divorce with an absent father. Various reports indicated that Adam hadn't had any contact with his dad for some time. Regardless of the cause of that separation from his dad, children of divorce are vulnerable to becoming depressed and withdrawn. Nearly forty percent of divorced kids haven't seen their dads in a year; abandonment and rejection create both depression and anger.<br />
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Adam's mother reportedly told one of her friends within the last couple of weeks that Adam was becoming more withdrawn and that she was afraid she was "losing him". One in every 4 kids of divorce withdraw from their families following the divorce.<br />
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Adam was an isolated and obsessive Call of Duty player. A growing body of research now implicates these violent "first person shooter" games in raising the risk of violent acting out and aggressive behavior in kids like Adam: isolated, poor social skills, low empathy, high stress, family dysfunction. Visitors to the Lanza house recall finding Adam in the basement for hours playing Call of Duty, and there were military posters on the walls, further substantiating his pre-occupation. Not all kids are vulnerable to these risks; I believe Adam was.<br />
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Adam was apparently becoming depressed. The risk of depression in teens post-divorce is 2 to 3 times higher than for other kids, making the odds nearly 50% for Adam, and given his reported depressive symptoms much higher than that. He reportedly had a GPA of 3.25 in college, very low for someone as smart as he was. This could be a symptom of his increasing depression as well.<br />
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The danger for depressed teens who are also socially isolated like Adam (no reports of a Facebook history nor heavy texting to some friend, any friend) means that they are left to their own negative, angry, and over time, increasingly paranoid and angry thoughts. For smart kids like Adam, this can become an opportunity to create a detailed fantasy of revenge for real and imagined hurts, and begin to plan how to actually do it.<br />
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There are probably other factors about Adam and his life that are relevant to his risks of violence, but these are the ones that are apparent to me at this point in the investigation.<br />
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<b>Nancy Lanza, the mom</b><br />
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Nancy Lanza was by all accounts a friendly, fun, smart and sociable woman with a "big heart". Her divorce had left her alone but affluent; her monthly support payments were more than $24K per month, putting her comfortably in the top 1% of income in the US, and among divorced women, very rare indeed.<br />
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She was reportedly still very angry with her ex, a condition she shared with 1/3 of women who are divorced. Some reports suggested that she did not want her husband to visit Adam, and once he turned 18, visits with dad would have been up to him.<br />
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Various reports also described her as "perfectionistic" with high expectations and high standards for her boys. If true, this could be a factor that increased her stress as a parent in dealing with Adam, who undoubtedly had perfectionistic rituals of his own (another trait of many AS kids). The incidence of perfectionism is about 1 in 100.<br />
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Nancy was also a divorced mom with a 20 year old son with Asperger's living with her. She reportedly stopped working to be able to home school Adam during high school, after she and the school administration had some disagreements about Adam's treatment at school. One of her friends described her as "high strung" but moderated that description once he found out about Adam's AS.<br />
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In my experience, few people in the public school system understand AS, and moms of these kids routinely have to go to bat for them to overcome unintentional mis-treatment and frequent mis-interpretation of these kids' unusual behavior at school. Regardless, this is an unending, high stress parenting job and made more difficult by her single parent status.<br />
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She was one of the 34% of women in the US who own a gun, and among a very small number of women who own more than one. The fact that she owned an assault rifle and a high-end high-capacity combat shot gun moves her from the mainstream to a very small minority group of women. My estimate is that of the 80 million households in the US, fewer than 1 in 500,000 are single women with multiple high-powered weapons in the house.<br />
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<b>Bottom Line: The Math Behind the Headline</b><br />
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Total Probability for Adam's unique and relevant factors: about 1 in a Trillion<br />
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Total Probability for Nancy's unique and relevant factors: about 1 in 10 Billion<br />
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<b>Estimated Combined Probability of This Unique Event: 1 in 10 Trillion Billion</b><br />
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<b>Final Word: Your Kids are Still Safe At School</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I hope this brief article has been illuminating and reassuring for you as a parent and as an educator. I have outlined the unique set of circumstances, based on my professional training and experience, that MAY have combined to lead to the Sandy Hook tragedy. I hope it's clear that these factors alone, and there are likely some others, are so unusual that the confluence of them is exceedingly rare. There are NOT a bunch of these guys running around looking for schools to attack. Your child is safe.<br />
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<b><i>Kevin Karlson JD PhD is a former adjunct professor of forensic psychology at UT Southwestern Medical School in Dallas, and a former adjunct professor in psychiatric and psychological evidence at SMU Dedman School of Law. He is now a litigation consultant, speaker, and mental health expert specializing in divorce.</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i>Dr. Karlson is the sole contributing author to "Psychiatric and Psychological Evidence" published by Shepards/McGraw-Hill. Dr. Karlson was an intern at the Federal Correctional Institution -Fort Worth, and was an expert witness in Dallas only mass murder trial, the 'Ianni's" mass murder case in 1984. </i></b><br />
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<b><i>He is available as a speaker to talk about this topic, and can be reached at 972.839.2394 for information about scheduling and honoraria. Email: karlson.kevin@gmail.com</i></b><br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-29027752376570518142012-11-28T13:39:00.000-06:002012-11-28T13:39:47.069-06:00Maximizing Christmas Joy: Tips and Tools for the Holiday VisitationAs the Christmas holiday approaches, most divorced families with kids will share visitation time with the "ex". Here are a few suggestions to make that potentially awkward or even conflicted time turn out better for both the adults and the kids.<br />
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1. Confirm the time, place, and arrangements for the exchange in advance. By email. Get all the details straightened out far in advance, and then let the kids know what they are. Put it on the calendar or refrigerator or wherever you post important stuff.<br />
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2. Buy the other parent a Christmas present. A small but thoughtful gift. No snarky gifts with emotional bombshells attached. A nice gift. If you can't forgive your spouse and teach your kids to be kind and thoughtful givers, who will?<br />
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3. Be especially considerate about time. Be on time for the exchange. Make sure the kids get advance warning, and count down the time till the exchange so they are not surprised. Don't let the kids use Christmas as an excuse to generate conflict by being late--be on time, be polite, be considerate. Teach your children to do the same by following your example.<br />
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4. Let the kids take their new presents to the other parent's house. Kids will be excited about one or more of their new gifts and want to take it with them. Let them. Make sure they get back where they belong, by informing the other parent what they brought (by email if you can't talk politely).<br />
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5. Avoid the long good-bye and the "I will miss you so much over the holidays" tearful send-offs at the exchange. Make it fun, upbeat, and short. If you treat this as a normal event, so will your kids, and everyone will have a nicer holiday visit.<br />
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6. Use the time without the kids to take care of yourself. Read a book, go to the spa, go to dinner with friends, stay busy. Enjoy the holidays yourself so you will have stories to tell the kids when they get home and tell you theirs.<br />
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7. Make NO comments about how much the other parent spent (or didn't) on presents. Focus on teaching your kids to be grateful for whatever they got--it's a great opportunity to teach kids the value of family and relationships and to de-emphasize money and stuff.<br />
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8. Show modest interest in the family drama at the other parent's house. Listen, but don't interrogate. As someone recently said, "Every family has at least one crazy person in it. If you can't identify who that is, it's you!". Holidays mean that old family issues are re-played in virtually every family, including yours. Don't get overly involved in those dramas at the other parent's house. Teach your kids that everyone has their stuff, and teach them how to deal with it productively. In other words, model tolerance and understanding.<br />
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Have a very Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays).<br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-42683598557891525342012-11-07T07:28:00.001-06:002017-10-23T12:25:43.629-05:00Tools: Communicating with your spouse during and after the divorce [an excerpt from Your Best Divorce Now!]<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">TOOLS: COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR SPOUSE DURING AND AFTER THE DIVORCE</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>“Good communication does not mean that you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn't about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way". John Kotter</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">Once the two of you decide to divorce, there will come a very uncomfortable period when you are still living in the same place, and if you have children, that discomfort could go on for years as you co-parent. Regardless of your unique circumstances, the divorce process, with or without children, requires periods of intensive communication to complete the divorce. A few people figure out how to communicate with their soon to be ex-spouse under the new circumstances and manage it well. Most don’t.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">Here are my suggestions for how to do it with the least stress:</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">1. If you can still communicate face to face, stay on task, and NOT have a “Xerox conversation” (an identical repetition of a argument you two have had 100 times before), then sit down over the kitchen table and have a meeting with an agenda (written, but no more than 3-4 items per meeting) is the way to go.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">2. Schedule the meeting at a mutually agreeable time, preferably NOT too late at night when you are both too tired to stay in control and solve problems.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">3. Write down the agreement you reach for each item and sign it; give each spouse a copy.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">4. If face to face meetings don’t work because the level of hurt and anger are too high, then choose the channel of communication LEAST likely to lead to escalation and MOST likely to lead to solution or agreement.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">This is my ranking of channels, from LEAST likely to escalate to MOST likely to escalate into an argument:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Letter writing (Least likely to escalate)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Email</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Texting</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Phone calls--scheduled ahead of time with an agenda</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Face to face with a counselor or parenting coordinator/facilitator</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Face to face meetings in a public place--scheduled with an agenda</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Face to face in private with a friend present--scheduled, with agenda</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Skype or Face-Time--scheduled, with agenda</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Spontaneous, unscheduled phone calls</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">• Face to face alone; no agenda (Most likely to escalate)</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">5. If you are already in the “can’t talk without arguing phase” of your divorce, then start with “letter writing” and work your way DOWN the list above until you find a channel that works for the two of you.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">The challenge with letters, email, and text is that all the emotional content is removed, making communication harder and misunderstanding more likely. The benefit of these more impersonal channels of communication is that these same channels remove the “triggers” which re-ignite old arguments because usually the triggers are facial expressions and tone of voice that are signals of criticism, defensiveness, or contempt.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">When children are involved, use email and text to set up or change visitation arrangements and to share information about the kids. Keep your face-to-face interactions at the door during exchanges of visitation:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;"><br /></span>
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<ul style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0.5em 0px; padding: 0px 2.5em;">
<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;"> Brief, </li>
<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">Informative, </li>
<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">Firm, and </li>
<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0px;">Friendly (remember the acronym BIFF).</li>
</ul>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">This BIFF strategy also applies to texts and emails you send to the other parent. Protect your kids from seeing more of the conflict and start a new pattern of civil, friendly, cooperation and co-parenting for THEIR benefit. (Special thanks to Bill Eddy for the BIFF strategy.)</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">Even after the legal divorce is completed, you will still have occasions when you must communicate. Use the channel that works best for both of you.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">[A note NOT included in the book]</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">There is a pattern among couples who are NOT really emotionally untangled that includes multiple emails or phone calls from one spouse (or ex-spouse) to the other about a myriad of issues, usually kids or money. The harassing spouse makes each issue sound like an emergency and demands (or expects) an immediate response, and if that is not forthcoming, adds that failure to respond to list of complaints in the next email or call.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">There is a solution:</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">1. If you know the kids are safe, check voicemail and email from your ex ONE time per day.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">2. Go through them all at one time, the same time every day, and if a response is needed to solve a problem THAT DAY, then answer THAT question. Ignore everything else in the messages--do NOT respond.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">3. Do the same thing, every day, at the same time, and teach your ex to expect a response at that time of the day, and no other. (Don't bother to try to explain or get agreement on this, just start doing it and keep doing it.)</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">4. Eventually the calls/emails will taper off because if you don't respond, there is no emotional payoff for them to continue to harass you. You MUST stick to this strategy forever for it to work. If you slip up and respond immediately to one message, the pattern will return and you will have to start over. So be vigilant, and stick to your guns.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">This strategy of managing your communication will not only make your own life easier and less stressful, it will be another step in disengaging from a pattern that hurts both you and your children by maintaining the ongoing conflict at a high level. It takes both parents to truly end this destructive pattern, but one parent can wind it down by following these steps and sticking to it.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.545454025268555px; line-height: 18.18181800842285px;">EX</span>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-67396633340573007582012-10-29T09:32:00.001-05:002012-10-29T09:57:13.517-05:00Communicating with your Spouse During and After Divorce: An excerpt from my book<span style="font-size: xx-small;">“Good communication does not mean that you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn't about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way. John Kotter</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[The following is Chapter 20 of my latest book "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools Before, During, and After"-KK]</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
Once the two of you decide to divorce, there will come a very uncomfortable period when you are still living in the same place, and if you have children, that discomfort could go on for years as you co-parent. Regardless of your unique circumstances, the divorce process, with or without children, requires periods of intensive communication to complete the divorce. A few people figure out how to communicate with their soon to be ex-spouse under the new circumstances and manage it well. Most don’t.<br />
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Here are my suggestions for how to do it with the least stress:<br />
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1. If you can still communicate face to face, stay on task, and NOT have a “Xerox conversation” (an identical repetition of an argument you two have had 100 times before), then sit down over the kitchen table and have a meeting with an agenda (written, but no more than 3-4 items per meeting) is the way to go.<br />
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2. Schedule the meeting at a mutually agreeable time, preferably NOT too late at night when you are both too tired to stay in control and solve problems.<br />
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3. Write down the agreement you reach for each item and sign it; give each spouse a copy.<br />
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4. If face to face meetings don’t work because the level of hurt and anger are too high, then choose the channel of communication LEAST likely to lead to escalation and MOST likely to lead to solution or agreement. This is my ranking of channels, from LEAST likely to escalate to MOST likely to escalate into an argument:<br />
<br />
• Letter writing (Least likely to escalate)<br />
• Email<br />
• Texting<br />
• Phone calls--scheduled ahead of time with an agenda<br />
• Face to face with a counselor or parenting coordinator/facilitator<br />
• Face to face meetings in a public place--scheduled with an agenda<br />
• Face to face in private with a friend present--scheduled, with agenda<br />
• Skype or Face-Time--scheduled, with agenda<br />
• Spontaneous, unscheduled phone calls<br />
• Face to face alone; no agenda (Most likely to escalate)<br />
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5. If you are already in the “can’t talk without arguing phase” of your divorce, then start with “letter writing” and work your way DOWN the list above until you find a channel that works for the two of you.<br />
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The challenge with letters, email, and text is that all the emotional content is removed, making communication harder and misunderstanding more likely. The benefit of these more impersonal channels of communication is that these same channels remove the “triggers” which re-ignite old arguments because usually the triggers are facial expressions and tone of voice that are signals of criticism, defensiveness, or contempt.<br />
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When children are involved, use email and text to set up or change visitation arrangements and to share information about the kids. Keep your face-to-face interactions at the door during exchanges of visitation Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly (remember the acronym BIFF).<br />
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This BIFF strategy also applies to texts and emails you send to the other parent. Protect your kids from seeing more of the conflict and start a new pattern of civil, friendly, cooperation and co-parenting for THEIR benefit. (Special thanks to Bill Eddy for the BIFF strategy.)<br />
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Even after the legal divorce is completed, you will still have occasions when you must communicate. Use the channel that works best for both of you.<br />
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My book "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools Before, During, and After" is now available on Amazon and as a Kindle e-book here:<br />
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16.363636016845703px;">http://preview.tinyurl.com/6llezrm</b>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-40319694293298077332012-09-25T09:59:00.000-05:002012-10-09T14:12:50.351-05:00The Case Against Child Custody Evaluations<span style="font-size: xx-small;">When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Abraham Maslow</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
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Child custody evaluations should be eliminated. The short- and long-term harms outweigh the meager benefits.<br />
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Following a brief voir dire of my qualifications for making this claim, I will explain the reasons I have reluctantly come to this conclusion. What follows below is this:</div>
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1. My qualifications for making the case as a former "insider".</div>
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2. Why psychological testing is neither reliable nor valid in custody evaluations. The "science" is lacking.</div>
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3. Why custody evaluations are merely the personal opinion of the evaluator.</div>
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4. How custody evaluations create a loophole for damaging and counterproductive hearsay evidence that otherwise would not be allowed.</div>
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5. And finally, even if they settle a case in the short run, custody evaluations increase the odds of future litigation, and consequently, for the children involved, the risks far outweigh the benefits.<br />
6. Better alternative solutions for family courts.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>1. My qualifications for making the case as a former "insider".</b> A brief overview:</div>
<div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>I was trained as a forensic psychologist (PhD from UT Southwestern) and a lawyer (JD from Dedman School of Law, SMU)</li>
<li>I not only conducted custody evaluations and testified about them, I also co-wrote a custody evaluation system (UCCES published by PAR, Inc. for which I still receive royalties), </li>
<li>I taught psychology grad students and law students how to do them (adjunct in Forensic Psychology at UTSMS, and in Psychiatric and Psychological Evidence at Dedman, SMU for 8 years). </li>
<li>I wrote the entire section on psychiatry and psychology in the late Professor Dan Shuman's award-winning book "Psychiatric and Psychological Evidence" published by Shepards/McGraw-Hill in 1986.</li>
<li>I conducted numerous workshops for lawyers and psychologists about how to conduct custody evaluations, how to testify about them, and how to defend them against the attacks on their validity by lawyers. </li>
<li>I was a member of the Committee on Practice and Professional Standards (COPPS) of the American Psychological Association, the professional body responsible for promulgating standards of practice for custody evaluations for psychologists. </li>
<li>Once I stopped actually doing evaluations, I had the opportunity to review hundreds of evaluations of other psychologists (and social studies conducted by social workers) as a part of my work as a litigation consultant who specializes in divorce and custody cases. </li>
<li>I routinely recommended custody evaluations to the attorneys and to their clients, until recently. </li>
</ul>
I say all this to be clear about my background and my biases--I was a respected and committed "insider" in the custody evaluation "industry" and routinely qualified as an "expert" in family courts for many years. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>2. Why psychological testing is neither valid nor reliable in custody evaluations. The "science" is lacking.</b></div>
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Because the "best interest of the child" standard, which is the predominant legal doctrine in most states, is so ill defined and complex, it is NOT possible to devise a standardized psychological test which will measure all the factors that go into making a decision about custody or visitation (conservatorship and possession are the Texas terms of art). </div>
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Standard psychological tests used in clinical settings were designed to diagnose and treat people with psychological problems that actually wanted help and who were willing to admit to having problems. They have limited utility (reliability and validity) in custody cases because no sane parent will admit to problems if they think it might cause them to lose their children, and in fact, many tests taken by parents in custody cases are found to be invalid. </div>
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Specialized "custody tests" fare little better. None has stood up to the rigors of even the lowest levels of test validity, and none has gained universal professional acceptance as a tool for making a recommendation to the court about either custody or visitation. (see this article for a detailed, objective analysis: <a href="http://www.cstaffordlaw.com/Emery.pdf" style="background-color: white; color: #5dc2c0; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302947998px; line-height: 16.363636016845703px;">http://www.cstaffordlaw.com/Emery.pdf</a>) After 60 years of unsuccessful attempts to develop a valid custody instrument, it's time to publicly acknowledge that this problem is just too complex to be measured by a test.</div>
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<br /></div>
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To be fair, psychological testing in a custody evaluation context can sometimes give clues to problems like depression or anxiety in parents that can interfere with the ability to care for children. In most cases, these issues have already been indentified by the other spouse (and probably other witnesses in the case), so the information is neither new nor additive. However, once reported in a custody evaluation, it becomes stigmatizing and fuel for future litigation BECAUSE the psychologist "expert" put it in black and white in a court document. In my view, the risks of harm to families massively outweigh any short-term benefits.</div>
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The psychological problems that CAN and DO affect custody are the personality disorders (and the substance abuse that frequently appears as a part of those disorders). The problem is, the tests that could diagnose personality disorders are also designed for clinical use (motivated truth-telling by the patient) and NOT for custody evaluations, so they are usually invalid and consequently unhelpful. DSM-IV personality disorders are normally diagnosed by integrating information from the parent's history, and many psychologists are woefully ill-trained for making these diagnoses. Since they don't "believe" in diagnosis, they don't see the patterns, and they don't make the diagnoses. </div>
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Bottom line, psychological testing has little or nothing to add to questions about custody or visitation. Testing is a hammer; custody and visitation is NOT a nail. An extremely complex puzzle perhaps, but definitely NOT a nail.</div>
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<b>3. Why custody evaluations are merely the personal opinion of the evaluator.</b></div>
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If psychological testing is INCAPABLE of making custody or visitation decisions, then how does that recommendation appear in the report? Well, the psychologist takes the information from all the sources that he or she used, and using their own judgment, makes the call. That's it.</div>
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When the psychologist is smart, stable, emotionally healthy, balanced, fair, and unbiased, that personal opinion may be a wise judgment and truly in the "best interest" of the children and the family, but it is NOT the result of any psychological testing. It may even be an educated decision, depending on the skill and experience of the expert, but it is only very thinly a "psychological" opinion.</div>
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The problem is that the mere use of psychological testing moves the focus of the discussion (and cross examination) to the testing (which is irrelevant to the ultimate issues) and away from the real source of the opinion (and biases), which is the psychologist expert. It is his (or her) personal values, beliefs, personality, history, emotional wounds, and professional knowledge and indoctrination that should be under scrutiny, and it seldom is. Testing confers an air of credibility to personal opinions that is NOT warranted.</div>
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And frankly, even if a talented lawyer is successful in challenging and even refuting EVERY argument supporting the custody and visitation recommendations in the report, I personally know of NO CASE where the report was repudiated, stricken from the record, and not entered into evidence. Why? Because no lawyer I know wants to try to torpedo the "court's own expert" and have that court-appointed expert's report withdrawn. Never happens.</div>
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So, what is essentially the personal (not psychological) opinion of the expert becomes part of the court record of this family. Forever.</div>
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<b>4. How custody evaluations create a loophole for damaging and counterproductive hearsay evidence that otherwise would not be allowed.</b></div>
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Here's the Texas Rule of Evidence that's relevant:</div>
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<h3 align="CENTER" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">
RULE 703. BASES OF OPINION TESTIMONY BY EXPERTS</span></h3>
<div style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;">
The facts or data in the particular case upon which an expert bases an opinion or inference may be those perceived by, reviewed by, or made known to the expert at or before the hearing. <span style="background-color: yellow;">If of a type reasonably relied upon by experts in the particular field in forming opinions or inferences upon the subject, the facts or data need not be admissible in evidence.</span></div>
</div>
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Unfortunately for families in divorce cases (at least in Texas), this loophole in the Rules of Evidence is big enough to drive a garbage truck through, and psychologists conducting custody evaluations do it routinely. Here is how it happens.</div>
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As a standard part of custody evaluations, the expert invites both parties to provide them with documents that "support" the allegations they are making about the other parent, usually with the directions to "if you think it's relevant, make sure I get it to review". These documents, along with reports or interviews of teachers, references, family members, friends, co-workers, are included in the "file" of the expert, and become part of the "facts or data" ..."upon which the expert bases an opinion or inference". Since this practice is standard in custody evaluations, the question about whether the information is of a type that is "reasonably relied upon by experts in the particular field in forming opinions or inferences upon the subject" is seldom raised and NEVER questioned in depth. So, lawyers "load up" their clients with unproven allegations about explosive but unproven "facts" and get them included in the custody evaluator's file, ready to be "discovered" in the course of a deposition or hearing where the expert is testifying. (This is also true of social studies.)</div>
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It must be noted that this kind of hearsay is otherwise completely INadmissible in court. A witness making this kind of allegation, in court or in a deposition, would be thoroughly cross examined, and if the allegation is baseless, publicly repudiated. Not in a custody evaluation. It all lands in the records in black and white-whether true or completely baseless.</div>
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Why does it matter if otherwise inadmissible and unproven hearsay makes it into a court record? Because parents remember. I have interviewed countless parents many years after their divorce litigation (or re-litigation) is over and nearly all of them can recount instances of unproven fabrications that came up during the process that traumatized them in some way. And most of them are still angry, years later. Angry parents are not only poor co-parents, they are also ripe for more custody litigation.</div>
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It is these wounds and traumas that keep these people from healing from their divorce wounds and moving on. It is these wounds and traumas that fuel future custody litigation. Only the loophole in Rule 703 as it applies to custody evaluation experts allows baseless hearsay to go unchallenged straight into the written record. And custody evaluators unintentionally collude with lawyers in letting it happen. Years later, the kids and parents still suffer the consequences.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>5. And finally, even if they settle a case in the short run, custody evaluations increase the odds of future litigation, and consequently, for the children involved, the risks of continued litigation far outweigh the benefits of a quick settlement.
</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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There are only 2 studies which I could find that evaluate the long term outcomes of divorces with custody evaluations. Both studies noted an INCREASE in the risk of future custody litigation of 2-3 TIMES that of divorces without those evaluations. Now granted, only very high conflict cases have custody evaluations, so the risk of future litigation was already elevated in these cases. Nonetheless, if the court itself is increasing the odds of future conflict (and especially more litigation in its own courtroom) by ordering an expensive custody evaluation, is that a prudent use of the court's (and the family's) resources? Not to me.</div>
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While I am sympathetic to family court judges who have to handle nearly 3000 cases a year in their courtrooms, and who desperately want someone to help them make good decisions in difficult family cases, child custody evaluations are NOT the answer.<br />
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<b>6. Better alternative solutions for family courts.</b><br />
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So what are the alternatives to custody evaluations?</div>
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<br /></div>
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1. Parenting co-ordination/facilitation can provide a forum for high conflict parents to work out a solution. This process not only avoids litigation and all its scars, but also avoids the stigma of custody evaluations and the risks of future harm and even more litigation.</div>
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2. Courts can order counseling for parents during the pendency of litigation. Parents in conflict need support, conflict management skills, individual counseling, sometimes individual therapy, and to learn how to work together to raise their children as well as to conclude their legal divorce. These services are readily available and less expensive than custody evaluations.<br />
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Families in crisis need good solutions to both the emotional and legal issues they must confront to resolve the short-term crisis and to prevent long-term consequences. What they don't need is a custody evaluation.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Final note: I will testify as an expert in opposition to court-ordered custody evaluations. </b><b>I am now available to speak about and to testify as an expert on this important topic. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Contact me for a vita and more information.</b></div>
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</div>
<div>
<b>Kevin Karlson JD PhD </b><br />
<b>email: divorcedoc@me.com </b><br />
<b>phone: 972.839.2394</b></div>
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Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-51100124020962943212012-08-13T10:58:00.001-05:002012-08-13T11:00:09.724-05:00Research Update: Growth Not Just Recovery After Divorce is the Norm<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Post-traumatic disorder is NOT the most likely outcome of a trauma like divorce; post-traumatic growth is.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
There is no question that divorce is traumatic for all its victims. Only the death of a spouse is more stressful, and that trauma seems to recede with time, while the trauma of divorce can linger for a lifetime. Mental health professionals have tended by virtue of their training and values, to be focused more on the disorder after trauma, and less on the growth that more often results.<br />
<br />
A recent article (see the link at the end of this post) nicely summarizes the current research on the factors that lead to post traumatic growth rather than post traumatic disorder. Here are some of the major factors identified by research which predict a positive response to trauma:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Recognition that growth is more likely than disorder. Knowing that growth is the most likely outcome can help inoculate a person against hopelessness and depression. Developing a positive expectation of not just recovery, but of growth, as a consequence of a trauma like divorce is the first step.</li>
<li>Spirituality, specifically forgiveness. While this is probably the most difficult for most divorced/divorcing people to accomplish, failure to forgive is highly associated with ongoing disorder rather than growth. Remember this is a finding of psychological research, NOT a religious opinion.(<a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2010-09501-003">http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2010-09501-003</a>) Forgiveness is the antidote to poisonous resentment and bitterness that are blocks to healing and growth. Forgiveness is for your benefit not your ex!</li>
<li>Social support leads to growth rather than disorder. This is especially evident in divorce recovery groups and is why I recommend divorce recovery groups to every one of my clients and in my book, "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools... (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008654OHG">http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008654OHG</a>) Men are especially vulnerable to negative affects from divorce because they tend to try to go it alone, and hence are less likely to grow after divorce. There is nothing as healing as hearing other people's stories and realizing that you are not alone.</li>
<li>Disclosure of your feelings and reactions leads to growth. Most divorce recovery programs encourage daily journaling as a tool to recovery, and research supports this as being just as effective as talking to someone for 30 minutes every day.</li>
<li>Changing your outlook to viewing the trauma as a challenge to be overcome. This is why reading stories of how other people overcame their own traumas can be helpful. </li>
<li>Grieve, and take decisive action. Normal grief is a process with stages and a conclusion.
Passivity and preoccupation with the trauma and its effects are associated with disorder, while positive, decisive action to change what can be changed is associated with growth</li>
<li>Avoid substance abuse of any kind, even food. While the abuse of drugs and alcohol are obvious blocks to growth, overeating can also have negative affects on mood and recovery from trauma. </li>
</ol>
<div>
Read the complete article here. Highly recommended. <a href="http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/post-traumatic-growth-what-research-says-about-why-some-grow-while-others-break-in-the-face-of-adversity">http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/post-traumatic-growth-what-research-says-about-why-some-grow-while-others-break-in-the-face-of-adversity</a></div>
Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-41334655669163404022012-07-23T11:54:00.000-05:002012-07-23T11:56:48.942-05:00Child Custody Evaluations: Solution or Contributing Cause to Ongoing Conflict?<span style="font-size: xx-small;">When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Abraham Maslow</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><br />
Family law professionals, especially family court judges, face difficult decisions every day. Among the most challenging are the high conflict custody cases where both parties are angry and intransigent, often trading explosive allegations about the other party's character and parenting flaws. Faced with these kinds of dilemmas, lawyers and judges search for an impartial third party to provide an "objective" perspective to help resolve the dispute and prevent further litigation and damage to the children. Frequently, this means turning to a mental health professional (almost always a psychologist) to conduct a "child custody evaluation" and report back to the court with a recommendation. I know, I have been one of those evaluators as a court appointed expert, and as a divorce litigation consultant, I have, until recently recommended child custody evaluations to my clients. No more.<br />
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Some background facts before I explain my rationale for my radical change of position.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Only 30% of divorces occur in high conflict marriages--70% of all divorces are low conflict.</li>
<li>Even with those numbers, 98-99% of divorces settle without a trial.</li>
<li>Parents agree to custody arrangements on their own 90% of the time <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">(Melton, et al 2007</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana;">)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;">The latest census data finds that 78% of divorced children live primarily with their mother and 12% with their father. (Best available data on base rates for which parent ends up with "primary possession" after a divorce.)</span></span></li>
</ul>
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Let's pause here for a minute. This means that, left to their own devices, most couples either agree to let mom have primary possession, or circumstances eventually evolve to mom having primary possession in 4 out of 5 divorces (they also agree to letting dad have primary possession in some cases). Regardless of the rhetoric about "equal rights" for dads, this is the reality, and since 90% of these arrangements are the result of agreements between the parents, it is hard to argue that the courts are driving primary possession by moms. Ok, but what about those high conflict cases that don't settle custody issues by agreement (including mediation)?</div>
<ul>
<li>Since low conflict (and even many high conflict) divorces settle without trial, that means the 1-2% of trial cases comes from the 30% of high conflict divorces, making the odds of trial in a high conflict case about 1 in 30 to 1 in 15, or 3-6%. </li>
<li>The best available research suggests that a child custody evaluations <b><i>lack ANY scientific evidence for their validity or reliability</i></b> (Emery, Otto, and Donohue, 2005)</li>
<li>There is NO psychological test that is a valid measure of "best interest of the children" nor to deciding the issue of either custody or possession.</li>
<li>Nationally, the average cost of a custody evaluation is just under $4000 (in Dallas and surrounding counties in Texas, that number is at least twice that).</li>
<li>The only long term studies of child custody evaluations (there are only 2) have found that child custody evaluations I<b>NCREASE the chances of later re-litigation by 2-3 times over those cases with no child custody evaluation! </b></li>
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In my career as a divorce litigation consultant, I have had the opportunity to review hundreds of child custody evaluations. These reports range from 10-40 pages long, take anywhere from 15-40 hours of time to prepare, and cost many thousands of dollars. Most of them recommended "joint custody", and many of them recommended 50/50 possession or visitation. On it's face, recommending a joint custody in a high conflict divorce is absurd! The fact that the litigation has proceeded this far is proof that cooperation is unlikely without some intervention to resolve the underlying conflict between the parents. No child custody evaluation is needed to send parents off to counseling or parent facilitation.</div>
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There is NO scientific support or basis, based on psychological testing nor any scientific research, for those recommendations (or any other). None. And not one of those reports (including mine) ever mentioned that fact. We all pretend that we're being objective and scientific but in fact, in the absence of any scientific support for the process, the results are purely personal opinion driven by our own values and beliefs (or biases and prejudices) and dressed up in psychological terminology. Well intentioned opinion but mere personal opinion nonetheless.</div>
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Lawyers and judges seek child custody evaluations to help break the impasse in high conflict divorces where the parties cannot agree on child custody issues in hopes of avoiding litigation. Who can blame them? And it is true that in some cases, the child custody evaluation report which supports or fails to support the allegations of one parent or the other sometimes leads to a settlement in the short run. That's sort of a good thing. But remember, the goal of a child custody evaluation is to resolve the custody dispute.</div>
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The problem is, the underlying problem of ongoing parental conflict is NOT resolved in a child custody evaluation, and the only available scientific evidence suggests that the child custody evaluation made it worse not better since the EVALUATION process itself apparently increased the odds of re-litigating later by two to three times. If child custody litigation is viewed as an illness, and the prescribed treatment (a child custody evaluation) eliminates the symptoms in the short run but triples the odds of the disease returning in a few years, in any other field of medicine, the treatment would be taken off the market as ineffective and unreasonably dangerous!</div>
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As a professionally trained and former forensic psychologist and child custody evaluator, (and co-author of a child custody evaluation system) it pains me to say this, but the available evidence suggests that child custody evaluations are part of the problem NOT part of the solution for high conflict divorces. The risks outweigh the benefits, and until that changes, the procedure needs to be taken off the market. </div>
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I know both lawyers and judges as well as psychologists will disagree, but I challenge anyone to read this article and present a compelling counter argument...<a href="http://www.cstaffordlaw.com/Emery.pdf">http://www.cstaffordlaw.com/Emery.pdf</a></div>
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<br /></div>Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14830201.post-74672440829324592722012-06-29T10:10:00.002-05:002012-06-29T10:12:25.295-05:00Sandusky found guilty: More lessonsThe jury found Jerry Sandusky guilty on 45 of 48 criminal counts last week, and Sandusky was remanded to custody to await sentencing. The defense team has already announced it would appeal (not surprising), and Sandusky has continued to insist that he is "innocent" (also not surprising). What follows is a couple of more lessons to be learned from this high profile case.<br />
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In contrast to most cases of child abuse perpetrated by fathers who are NOT sexual predators, Sandusky is clearly a sexual predator. Sandusky's continuing denial of his guilt, and in fact, his reportedly adamant insistence that he is innocent in the face of the overwhelming evidence of his guilt that he witnessed during the trial is another hallmark of a sexual predator: lack of remorse and empathy. Very few people truly understand that Sandusky really believes that he is innocent of any crime, regardless of the testimony of all the witnesses and the jury's verdict. It is this fundamental flaw, the inability to recognize that his actions were wrong and damaging to his victims, that makes the Jerry Sanduskys of the world so dangerous for children.<br />
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In contrast to the predators, who are a small but malignant minority of the population of child abusers, I have evaluated and treated many perpetrators of sexual abuse (and their victims). What is striking about so many of these men is that they are emotionally needy and immature, and that at some point, during treatment, they will (usually) acknowledge their own behavior and tearfully admit that they knew it was wrong but felt compelled to commit the abuse. The rationalizations (it was loving or she needed it) for the abuse generally do NOT last long once treatment has uncovered the the underlying motivation (usually unmet needs to be loved, believe it or not). These men know what they did was wrong, and are able to acknowledge that what they did was harmful to the child. A combination of substance abuse, stressors like marital discord and financial difficulties, job loss or physical disability all combine to create the circumstances where normal boundaries disappear and normal self control evaporates. The abuse is an unhealthy and damaging reaction to a series of stressful events. These guys are not charismatic, nor smooth, nor seen by the community at large as "saints". These men are child abusers,certainly, but they are not predators.<br />
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It is the lack of empathy (and remorse), the hallmarks of psychopathy, that make these sexual predators so dangerous to children. Regardless of the outward appearance of selfless concern for kids, these men don't do anything out of a sense of altruism. Everything they do is designed to get them what they want, and what sexual predators want is easy access to children that they can groom to be their victims, opportunities to exploit the children without danger of being caught, and enough perceived power and authority to make the threats needed to keep the kids quiet afterwards have some real and lasting effect. <span style="background-color: white;">When interviewed, these predators are smart enough to know that what they did was illegal, but they don't really believe it was wrong. That's the first lesson: not all abusers are sexual predators, and the two groups are NOT the same.</span><br />
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Lesson number two: the testimony of the wife of a sexual predator about his character has almost no probative value. These men are incapable of genuine intimacy, and NEVER let anyone get close to them, let alone get to truly know them. Spouses hold no special status for a psychopath, and are actually just part of the "window dressing" in their PR campaign to appear to be normal. Spouses of these men frequently "fill in the blanks" and make assumptions about their husband's behaviors and motivations, based on their own naive view of the world, and completely miss or ignore the signals that would indicate something amiss. Many of these women have been victims of abuse or neglect themselves, and have a huge "blind spot" when it comes to signals indicating abuse. It is precisely that blind spot that made them good choices as spouses for the predators, because they recognize that their wives are incapable of "ratting them out". So when these spouses testify that they never saw anything suspicious, it really doesn't mean what it would if a normal wife testified about her husband's character. These wives are unwitting accomplices to their husband's crimes.<br />
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The good news is that the Sandusky trial has raised the level of awareness of sexual predators, especially for those who run large organizations that deal with children, and could lead to greater protection for children who could be potential victims. As I said in my last post, we all need to pay attention when vulnerable children have just a little too much private time with any adult who is not a loving parent.<br />
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<br />Kevin Karlson CEO Paradox Productions Media LLChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18284275427213570043noreply@blogger.com7