Ok, so now, after months and months of legal wrangling--you're divorced. Congratulations! What next?
This question is one I have seen many newly divorced people, both men and women, struggling to answer. Whether the end of the divorce comes in mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation, it seems to arrive with unexpected suddenness, leaving the newly single people relieved, weary, and bewildered. Having spent so much time, energy, and money focused on getting divorced, few are prepared for "what next?".
Research which has followed divorced people for 10 years after their divorce found that 90% of the men and 60% of the women were emotionally "unchanged" at the 10 year mark. For some, the emotional scars of a "failed" marriage or contentious divorce means that counseling or therapy is the first step toward a new life and a new approach to relationships. For a few others, because of counseling or some other helping relationship during their marriage and divorce, the end of the divorce signals the opportunity to renew and change the dirction their lives with a freedom previously unknown. That dissolution of life structures creates the promise for "positive divorce". Unfortunately, few have a "positive divorce" experience.
As a director of a divorce recovery program, I saw many people begin to heal as they shared their divorce experience with others who were "in the same boat". Most left the six week program with a good start down the road to recovery, but as the research cited above has confirmed, that process does NOT continue for most post-divorce people. For most women, and nearly all men, divorce doesn't lead to a new life, but a return to the "old life"--same values, same habits, same choices in work and relationships. For men in particular, most remarry too quickly (within a year) and then divorce again just as quickly, creating a sense of increasingly cynical disillusionment. For these men, life balance is usually the first casualty, leading to a retreat into too much work, too much drinking, or too much casual sex.
It has been my observation that those divorced people with a clear life purpose, a solid value system, and a supportive network of friends bounce back from the trauma of divorce better than those without those fundamental and foundational elements. It is in these areas where coaching can be invaluable in transforming life after divorce into a "positive divorce" experience and the beginning of a new and different life.
Coaching, not therapy, is intended to:
*improve life planning and performance
*clarify personal values
*re-discover life purpose
*re-define life balance
*return to or begin a habit of service to others,
with a focus on action learning as vehicle toward a more purposeful and meaningful life.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Decline of Litigation and the Paradoxical Increase in the Need for Witness Preparation
Even before the economic climate turned stormy, family law litigation has been on a trend toward less litigation and more mediation and collaborative law. This trend is very beneficial for both children and divorcing families, and I expect the trend to continue. As with any significant change in the legal system, this one has consequences for lawyers and their clients that may not be obvious, because the cause and effect are so distant in time and challenging to discern.
In short, the fewer the number of hearings or deposition appearances by the parties, the more important each appearance becomes in determining the final outcome of the case. In the old days, lengthy litigation meant multiple hearings, sometimes repeated depositions, and then a final trial with a full day on the stand for each party. Generally, that meant a terrible performance by a party at a temporary hearing would be separated by a year or more from the final trial, giving the judge plenty of time to forget the first performance or to explain it away to "nervousness" or "stress". Those days are gone.
Today, a temporary hearing may be the only court appearance a party makes during a divorce or custody case. Depositions are unlikely to be seen by the judge or jury, leaving the temporary hearing performance of the parties of increasing importance for judicial decision-making or for negotiation leverage. Consequently, the importance of witness performance early in the case increases as the length of divorce litigation declines.
What hasn't changed though, is what makes witnesses effective.
1. Well prepared witnesses don't look coached, they look confident and calm.
2. Well prepared witnesses are responsive to questions because they understand the rules of evidence.
3. Well prepared witnesses give answers that are brief and clear.
4. Well prepared witnesses tell stories and give examples and avoid making judgments.
5. On cross examination, well prepared witnesses answer "yes" "no" or "I don't know" and do NOT try to explain.
These characteristics of effective courtroom communication have only increased in importance as the number of opportunities to testify decline. In courts where hearing times are increasingly limited, the need for intense preparation and crisp performance increase exponentially.
Due diligence requires that attorneys give clients the tools they need to compete effectively in the legal arena where most clients have NO experience and many unhelpful tendencies to unlearn. There is no substitute for effective, professional preparation, and the need is growing daily. Delay disadvantages both attorney and client.
In short, the fewer the number of hearings or deposition appearances by the parties, the more important each appearance becomes in determining the final outcome of the case. In the old days, lengthy litigation meant multiple hearings, sometimes repeated depositions, and then a final trial with a full day on the stand for each party. Generally, that meant a terrible performance by a party at a temporary hearing would be separated by a year or more from the final trial, giving the judge plenty of time to forget the first performance or to explain it away to "nervousness" or "stress". Those days are gone.
Today, a temporary hearing may be the only court appearance a party makes during a divorce or custody case. Depositions are unlikely to be seen by the judge or jury, leaving the temporary hearing performance of the parties of increasing importance for judicial decision-making or for negotiation leverage. Consequently, the importance of witness performance early in the case increases as the length of divorce litigation declines.
What hasn't changed though, is what makes witnesses effective.
1. Well prepared witnesses don't look coached, they look confident and calm.
2. Well prepared witnesses are responsive to questions because they understand the rules of evidence.
3. Well prepared witnesses give answers that are brief and clear.
4. Well prepared witnesses tell stories and give examples and avoid making judgments.
5. On cross examination, well prepared witnesses answer "yes" "no" or "I don't know" and do NOT try to explain.
These characteristics of effective courtroom communication have only increased in importance as the number of opportunities to testify decline. In courts where hearing times are increasingly limited, the need for intense preparation and crisp performance increase exponentially.
Due diligence requires that attorneys give clients the tools they need to compete effectively in the legal arena where most clients have NO experience and many unhelpful tendencies to unlearn. There is no substitute for effective, professional preparation, and the need is growing daily. Delay disadvantages both attorney and client.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How experts predict whether couples will divorce
Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, has emerged as a leading expert in the understanding of marriage dynamics and in predicting divorce. After more than 25 years of research and therapy with married and divorcing couples, a number of basic patterns in how married couples interact can be used to predict divorce (in the absence of change in these patterns).
First, there are two periods in married life when the risk of divorce is highest:
• After 5-7 years of marriage when conflict is usually highest
• After 10-12 years of marriage as a result of lost intimacy
It should be noted that marital conflict often increases when a baby arrives, which usually happens during the first few years of marriage (see bullet one above). After the first child is born, 40 to 70% of couples report significant declines in satisfaction with their marriage. So, a period of marital dissatisfaction is the norm after the first child is born, and in the absence of malignant interaction patterns, does NOT necessarily lead to divorce . (Remember, most unhappiness is temporary.)
The process that leads to loss of intimacy takes longer to result in divorce, and Gottman's research has identified the malignant interaction patterns that DO predict divorce. These are:
• A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions (for happy couples the ratio of positive/negative interactions is 20 to 1)
• Mutual criticism (personal attacks on character not complaints about behavior)
• Defensiveness (“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility)
• Stonewalling (refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict)
• Contempt for the partner (eye rolling, sarcastic humor, mocking)
Of the last four factors, those Gottman called the “four horsemen” (of the Apocalypse), contempt is the worst.
Here are some other findings from the research by Dr. Gottman:
•Conventional wisdom says it is not a good idea to “go to bed angry”. Gottman discovered that “flooding” – a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s heart rates too high for them to clearly concentrate on the conversation at hand. He found that taking the time to calm down before finishing an argument is more likely to help couples stay close and connected.
•He learned that couples therapy with battering couples actually makes things worse for the woman—not better—another significant departure from the conventional wisdom. Partners both need to get individual therapy.
•It is extremely beneficial for both parents to express their own emotions, and it is especially important for fathers to express their feelings—especially sadness. This is critical for helping children develop "emotional intelligence",which is a better predictor of success than IQ.
The Positive Divorce bottom line
If your relationship is not overwhelmingly positive in your pattern of interactions with your partner, but rather is characterized by Gottman’s “four horsemen” of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and especially contempt, your odds of being divorced are more than 4 out of 5.
If you want to stay married, you both need to change the way you interact.
If you are in the process of getting divorced, now is the time to begin learning new ways of interacting with your intimate partner (current or future) to change the outcome of your next relationship. Use this opportunity to learn to identify and change your contributions to the interactions that poisoned your relationship, so that history doesn’t repeat itself. (The odds of a second divorce are VERY high for once-divorced people.)
Learn about yourself, change your own intimate behavior, and make your own future better.
Copyright 2008 Kevin Karlson All rights reserved.
First, there are two periods in married life when the risk of divorce is highest:
• After 5-7 years of marriage when conflict is usually highest
• After 10-12 years of marriage as a result of lost intimacy
It should be noted that marital conflict often increases when a baby arrives, which usually happens during the first few years of marriage (see bullet one above). After the first child is born, 40 to 70% of couples report significant declines in satisfaction with their marriage. So, a period of marital dissatisfaction is the norm after the first child is born, and in the absence of malignant interaction patterns, does NOT necessarily lead to divorce . (Remember, most unhappiness is temporary.)
The process that leads to loss of intimacy takes longer to result in divorce, and Gottman's research has identified the malignant interaction patterns that DO predict divorce. These are:
• A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions (for happy couples the ratio of positive/negative interactions is 20 to 1)
• Mutual criticism (personal attacks on character not complaints about behavior)
• Defensiveness (“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility)
• Stonewalling (refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict)
• Contempt for the partner (eye rolling, sarcastic humor, mocking)
Of the last four factors, those Gottman called the “four horsemen” (of the Apocalypse), contempt is the worst.
Here are some other findings from the research by Dr. Gottman:
•Conventional wisdom says it is not a good idea to “go to bed angry”. Gottman discovered that “flooding” – a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s heart rates too high for them to clearly concentrate on the conversation at hand. He found that taking the time to calm down before finishing an argument is more likely to help couples stay close and connected.
•He learned that couples therapy with battering couples actually makes things worse for the woman—not better—another significant departure from the conventional wisdom. Partners both need to get individual therapy.
•It is extremely beneficial for both parents to express their own emotions, and it is especially important for fathers to express their feelings—especially sadness. This is critical for helping children develop "emotional intelligence",which is a better predictor of success than IQ.
The Positive Divorce bottom line
If your relationship is not overwhelmingly positive in your pattern of interactions with your partner, but rather is characterized by Gottman’s “four horsemen” of criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and especially contempt, your odds of being divorced are more than 4 out of 5.
If you want to stay married, you both need to change the way you interact.
If you are in the process of getting divorced, now is the time to begin learning new ways of interacting with your intimate partner (current or future) to change the outcome of your next relationship. Use this opportunity to learn to identify and change your contributions to the interactions that poisoned your relationship, so that history doesn’t repeat itself. (The odds of a second divorce are VERY high for once-divorced people.)
Learn about yourself, change your own intimate behavior, and make your own future better.
Copyright 2008 Kevin Karlson All rights reserved.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Client request--Video conferencing/telephone consults
After more than 25 years of working in a traditional face-to-face conference room setting, technical improvements in video conferencing technology now make desktop video conferencing a viable method of service delivery.
As with the normal consulting process, a contractual relationship with the client's attorney as a "consulting expert" is necessary to maintain the attorney-client privilege in discussions with the client.
For more information about video or telephone consultation, contact Dr. Karlson:
Phone: 972.839.2394
Email: kevinkarlsonjdphd@swbell.net
As with the normal consulting process, a contractual relationship with the client's attorney as a "consulting expert" is necessary to maintain the attorney-client privilege in discussions with the client.
For more information about video or telephone consultation, contact Dr. Karlson:
Phone: 972.839.2394
Email: kevinkarlsonjdphd@swbell.net
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Divorce myths exploded #1: My spouse is a jerk, I will get everything
For reasons not altogether clear to me, the idea that “my spouse is a jerk, I will get everything” remains a widespread and mistaken belief among women (and a few men) seeking divorce. Whether you live in a community property state, like California or Texas, or in one of the other 48, judges in divorce cases rarely deviate very much from a roughly equal split of the couple’s assets in a divorce.
In my experience in hundreds of cases, property division of 55/45 is about as good as it gets for the "innocent" spouse, even in cases where the other spouse has been unfaithful, abusive, or both. Judges just don't punish unfaithful spouses, especially men who have been primary bread winners, by a grossly unequal property division in a divorce, even though many divorcing spouses believe that such a ruling would be "fair" or "justice".
As a consequence of this mistaken belief in the eventual outcome of the divorce litigation, many women spend an inordinate amount of time and money to document the extent of the indiscretions. As they describe their motivation, it is primarily in hopes of persuading the judge to “punish” the unfaithful spouse through a “90/10” property split in favor of the injured spouse. Regardless of the value of the marital estate, up to billions of dollars, I know of NO case where such a punishment has been meted out by a divorce court.
Any competent attorney and the financial expert he hires will attempt to document how much of the couple’s money was spent financing the affair, and will ask the court to reimburse the injured spouse for those expenses, before the court divides the marital estate in a final decree. While the total expenses for these extramarital recreational activities may reach into the thousands of dollars, it never reaches a number which represents a significant percentage of the couple’s assets.
The Positive Divorce bottom line: bad conduct by a spouse MAY move the court to divide the marital estate 55/45 in favor of the “innocent” spouse, but that’s about as far it is likely to go.
So, have reasonable expectations about how divorce courts divide property and be prepared to settle when your lawyer tells you the offer is as good as you can reasonably expect.
Develop a vision for your financial future based on those realistic expectations for your starting point, develop a strategy for building on it from there, focusing on factors YOU can control.
Positive Divorce means accepting the challenge of being in charge of your own financial life again, and building on the opportunity to start a new and more prosperous life.
In my experience in hundreds of cases, property division of 55/45 is about as good as it gets for the "innocent" spouse, even in cases where the other spouse has been unfaithful, abusive, or both. Judges just don't punish unfaithful spouses, especially men who have been primary bread winners, by a grossly unequal property division in a divorce, even though many divorcing spouses believe that such a ruling would be "fair" or "justice".
As a consequence of this mistaken belief in the eventual outcome of the divorce litigation, many women spend an inordinate amount of time and money to document the extent of the indiscretions. As they describe their motivation, it is primarily in hopes of persuading the judge to “punish” the unfaithful spouse through a “90/10” property split in favor of the injured spouse. Regardless of the value of the marital estate, up to billions of dollars, I know of NO case where such a punishment has been meted out by a divorce court.
Any competent attorney and the financial expert he hires will attempt to document how much of the couple’s money was spent financing the affair, and will ask the court to reimburse the injured spouse for those expenses, before the court divides the marital estate in a final decree. While the total expenses for these extramarital recreational activities may reach into the thousands of dollars, it never reaches a number which represents a significant percentage of the couple’s assets.
The Positive Divorce bottom line: bad conduct by a spouse MAY move the court to divide the marital estate 55/45 in favor of the “innocent” spouse, but that’s about as far it is likely to go.
So, have reasonable expectations about how divorce courts divide property and be prepared to settle when your lawyer tells you the offer is as good as you can reasonably expect.
Develop a vision for your financial future based on those realistic expectations for your starting point, develop a strategy for building on it from there, focusing on factors YOU can control.
Positive Divorce means accepting the challenge of being in charge of your own financial life again, and building on the opportunity to start a new and more prosperous life.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
What qualifies me to write about divorce?
Simply put, I am the most qualified expert on divorce you’ve never heard of. I have devoted my professional life to working with divorcing people, and have been involved in one way or another with thousands of them. Literally NO one has as much experience with as many aspects of divorce and divorce recovery as I have, and now I want to share that experience and the lessons that I have learned with you.
Here’s a list of my qualifications for writing about the legal and psychological aspects of divorce, and for talking about divorce recovery:
• PhD in clinical psychology from UT Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas (1983)
• JD in law from Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University in Dallas (1984)
• Contributing author to an award-winning psychiatric/psychological evidence book
• Adjunct faculty in forensic psychology and psychological evidence--8 years
• Co-author of custody evaluation system (UCCES published by PAR, Inc.)
• Co-author of a parenting book (Loving Your Children Better by Nolo Press)
• Co-facilitator of Divorce Recovery Workshop at NCC in Dallas-8 years
• Co-convenor of divorced singles Sunday school class
• Invited presenter to Texas Academy of Family Law Specialists Trial Workshop-10 years
• Invited presenter to Texas Advanced Family Law Course- 2 years
• Former member of American Psychological Association Committee on Practice and Professional Standards (setting child custody evaluation standards)
• Former lay member of Dallas County Bar Grievance Committee
• Former Chair, Dallas County Psychological Association Ethics Committee
• Psychotherapist to divorced/divorcing clients-10 years
• Custody evaluator-10 years
• Litigation consultant in hundreds of divorce/custody cases--25 years
• Certified in Collaborative Divorce—member of Collaborative Law Institute of Texas
The point of that list is that I have been involved in divorces and divorce litigation as a court-appointed expert, as a therapist, as a law clerk to a nationally recognized divorce lawyer, as a marriage counselor, as a consultant to lawyers and their clients, as a facilitator of divorce recovery workshops, and as a friend to divorcing people. Last, but not least, I am divorced myself.
Here’s a list of my qualifications for writing about the legal and psychological aspects of divorce, and for talking about divorce recovery:
• PhD in clinical psychology from UT Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas (1983)
• JD in law from Dedman School of Law at Southern Methodist University in Dallas (1984)
• Contributing author to an award-winning psychiatric/psychological evidence book
• Adjunct faculty in forensic psychology and psychological evidence--8 years
• Co-author of custody evaluation system (UCCES published by PAR, Inc.)
• Co-author of a parenting book (Loving Your Children Better by Nolo Press)
• Co-facilitator of Divorce Recovery Workshop at NCC in Dallas-8 years
• Co-convenor of divorced singles Sunday school class
• Invited presenter to Texas Academy of Family Law Specialists Trial Workshop-10 years
• Invited presenter to Texas Advanced Family Law Course- 2 years
• Former member of American Psychological Association Committee on Practice and Professional Standards (setting child custody evaluation standards)
• Former lay member of Dallas County Bar Grievance Committee
• Former Chair, Dallas County Psychological Association Ethics Committee
• Psychotherapist to divorced/divorcing clients-10 years
• Custody evaluator-10 years
• Litigation consultant in hundreds of divorce/custody cases--25 years
• Certified in Collaborative Divorce—member of Collaborative Law Institute of Texas
The point of that list is that I have been involved in divorces and divorce litigation as a court-appointed expert, as a therapist, as a law clerk to a nationally recognized divorce lawyer, as a marriage counselor, as a consultant to lawyers and their clients, as a facilitator of divorce recovery workshops, and as a friend to divorcing people. Last, but not least, I am divorced myself.
Seven Secrets to Peak Performance
Seven Secrets to Peak Performance During Divorce Litigation
INTRODUCTION Stress is a direct result of a person being focused on, and trying to control the "un-controllable" external forces and events in their divorce (i.e., judges, tactics or stunts of the other party, economic or business conditions, reactions of friends and family, etc.). When a person focuses on these uncontrollable external forces, he/she is more likely to experience the high stress-related symptoms and the resulting questionable thinking and judgments that can follow. Here are some ways to cope with the stress of litigation more effectively.
SECRET ONE
HAVE A PERSONAL VISION THAT IS NOT CONNECTED TO THE OUTCOME OF THE LITIGATION The biggest challenge for people involved in divorce is to stay focused on what matters to them personally and to avoid becoming trapped in the daily chaos of the divorce/litigation process. Litigation always ends (15 months seems to be about average for divorce litigation in the US). In the meantime, remaining connected to the things that provide real meaning to life and committed to something bigger than and outside of one’s self is a critical component of successful coping.
SECRET TWO
UNDERSTAND THE STRESS/PERFORMANCE CURVE Divorce is stressful and requires additional energy and attention not needed during less stressful times. This is not the time to “relax”, but it is a time to understand that being either too “relaxed” or to “hyped up” can interfere with peak performance. The graphic illustrates the relationship between stress and performance. Notice that peak performance is in the middle, so the goal is to use your body’s natural responses to maintain levels of stress that are neither too high nor too low. Regular routines, regular exercise, and good nutrition contribute to the ability to operate at peak levels.
SECRET THREE
LEARN COPING SKILLS THAT HELP TO MANAGE STRESS SYMPTOMS Here are the strategies that have been proven to lower your stress symptoms.
• First have a regular daily routine that includes 8 hours of sleep and regular times for going to bed and getting up and stick to it (A disrupted sleep schedule for one night lowers your body’s ability fight infection by more than 50% for the following day).
• Second, walk or do some aerobic exercise for 30 minutes every day (It will take your body more than two hours to calm down after this so don’t exercise right before bedtime).
• Third, eat more fruit and protein and few carbs a minimum of three meals and preferably 5 smaller meals per day (but none late in the evening).
• Finally, spend 15-30 minutes per day sitting quietly in a chair in a quiet room and focus only on your breathing (or listening to a relaxation tape). All of these strategies will improve your performance by increasing your stress tolerance, and the effects are cumulative-the more things on this list that you do, the greater the benefit.
SECRET FOUR
LEARN HOW TO BE GRATEFUL IN THE PRESENT One of the natural and unavoidable effects of stress on every human being is a narrowing of perceptions- “tunnel vision” that can make the stressful situation appear to consume the entire world. The anti-dote to this tunnel vision is a constant and intentional focus on a daily “gratitude journal”. This means making a written list of the five things in life that you are most grateful for AT THIS MOMENT. For many divorcing people, first on the list is their children, but the list is different for each person. An intentional focus on the good things in life counteracts a world of temporary if overwhelming situations by reminding us of the more important and enduring parts of life.
SECRET FIVE
MAKE TIME TO PLAY AND HAVE FUN The surest way to perform poorly, during divorce or not, is by being too serious. Peak performance in everything comes out of having fun. While the circumstances of divorce make having fun a bit more challenging, they also make having fun more important. Many people immediately eliminate recreation when they get overwhelmed and frantic, and report that they “don’t have time for anything fun”. Peak performance depends on giving your body and mind a break; make time for fun.
SECRET SIX
SEPERATE SELF-WORTH FROM PERFORMANCE Whether in marriage or divorce, you are NOT defined by your successes nor by your failures, but rather how you handle both. Learn to separate your value as a person from your performance at the same time that you learn to get better at handling both success and failure. When your personal worth is on the line for every decision you make, you are making a difficult situation even more challenging by increasing your own stress level. Give yourself a break and remind yourself of your inherent value regardless of your performance. You’ll feel better and you will do better!
SECRET SEVEN
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT Practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Practice living life like you want it to be, even if you can only do it for a few minutes at first. Focus on what you want for yourself, your family, your career, your home, your relationships. Most people are much more resilient than they give themselves credit for, so focus on your track record for bouncing back to boost your confidence that you can succeed.
FINAL THOUGHT
In contrast to peak performance in athletics, peak performance during divorce holds the possibility of being transformational in a way that no other life experience can be. Because divorce dissolves so many of a person’s life structures and expectations, it creates an opportunity to rebuild them in a new and better way that can lead to a much happier and more satisfying life. Seize the moment!
INTRODUCTION Stress is a direct result of a person being focused on, and trying to control the "un-controllable" external forces and events in their divorce (i.e., judges, tactics or stunts of the other party, economic or business conditions, reactions of friends and family, etc.). When a person focuses on these uncontrollable external forces, he/she is more likely to experience the high stress-related symptoms and the resulting questionable thinking and judgments that can follow. Here are some ways to cope with the stress of litigation more effectively.
SECRET ONE
HAVE A PERSONAL VISION THAT IS NOT CONNECTED TO THE OUTCOME OF THE LITIGATION The biggest challenge for people involved in divorce is to stay focused on what matters to them personally and to avoid becoming trapped in the daily chaos of the divorce/litigation process. Litigation always ends (15 months seems to be about average for divorce litigation in the US). In the meantime, remaining connected to the things that provide real meaning to life and committed to something bigger than and outside of one’s self is a critical component of successful coping.
SECRET TWO
UNDERSTAND THE STRESS/PERFORMANCE CURVE Divorce is stressful and requires additional energy and attention not needed during less stressful times. This is not the time to “relax”, but it is a time to understand that being either too “relaxed” or to “hyped up” can interfere with peak performance. The graphic illustrates the relationship between stress and performance. Notice that peak performance is in the middle, so the goal is to use your body’s natural responses to maintain levels of stress that are neither too high nor too low. Regular routines, regular exercise, and good nutrition contribute to the ability to operate at peak levels.
SECRET THREE
LEARN COPING SKILLS THAT HELP TO MANAGE STRESS SYMPTOMS Here are the strategies that have been proven to lower your stress symptoms.
• First have a regular daily routine that includes 8 hours of sleep and regular times for going to bed and getting up and stick to it (A disrupted sleep schedule for one night lowers your body’s ability fight infection by more than 50% for the following day).
• Second, walk or do some aerobic exercise for 30 minutes every day (It will take your body more than two hours to calm down after this so don’t exercise right before bedtime).
• Third, eat more fruit and protein and few carbs a minimum of three meals and preferably 5 smaller meals per day (but none late in the evening).
• Finally, spend 15-30 minutes per day sitting quietly in a chair in a quiet room and focus only on your breathing (or listening to a relaxation tape). All of these strategies will improve your performance by increasing your stress tolerance, and the effects are cumulative-the more things on this list that you do, the greater the benefit.
SECRET FOUR
LEARN HOW TO BE GRATEFUL IN THE PRESENT One of the natural and unavoidable effects of stress on every human being is a narrowing of perceptions- “tunnel vision” that can make the stressful situation appear to consume the entire world. The anti-dote to this tunnel vision is a constant and intentional focus on a daily “gratitude journal”. This means making a written list of the five things in life that you are most grateful for AT THIS MOMENT. For many divorcing people, first on the list is their children, but the list is different for each person. An intentional focus on the good things in life counteracts a world of temporary if overwhelming situations by reminding us of the more important and enduring parts of life.
SECRET FIVE
MAKE TIME TO PLAY AND HAVE FUN The surest way to perform poorly, during divorce or not, is by being too serious. Peak performance in everything comes out of having fun. While the circumstances of divorce make having fun a bit more challenging, they also make having fun more important. Many people immediately eliminate recreation when they get overwhelmed and frantic, and report that they “don’t have time for anything fun”. Peak performance depends on giving your body and mind a break; make time for fun.
SECRET SIX
SEPERATE SELF-WORTH FROM PERFORMANCE Whether in marriage or divorce, you are NOT defined by your successes nor by your failures, but rather how you handle both. Learn to separate your value as a person from your performance at the same time that you learn to get better at handling both success and failure. When your personal worth is on the line for every decision you make, you are making a difficult situation even more challenging by increasing your own stress level. Give yourself a break and remind yourself of your inherent value regardless of your performance. You’ll feel better and you will do better!
SECRET SEVEN
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT Practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Practice living life like you want it to be, even if you can only do it for a few minutes at first. Focus on what you want for yourself, your family, your career, your home, your relationships. Most people are much more resilient than they give themselves credit for, so focus on your track record for bouncing back to boost your confidence that you can succeed.
FINAL THOUGHT
In contrast to peak performance in athletics, peak performance during divorce holds the possibility of being transformational in a way that no other life experience can be. Because divorce dissolves so many of a person’s life structures and expectations, it creates an opportunity to rebuild them in a new and better way that can lead to a much happier and more satisfying life. Seize the moment!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Managing the Needy Client--Tips for Lawyers
In an earlier post, I outlined the pattern of the needy woman-disengaged man divorce. What follows are strategies for managing these clients to minimize the stress that most professionals experience.
For the needy (usually woman) client:
What they communicate:
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Catastrophic expectations
Black and white thinking
Need for constant contact and reassurance
Impulsive decisions and poor judgment
What to do:
Call mental health professional
Think gray
Build trust, be consistent
Take threats seriously
Provide predictable, limited access to you or your assistant
Be calm,
Avoid surprises
Let me explain a bit about each of these "to dos". Since most of these women either already have therapists or need to be in therapy, the first call you should make is to the woman's therapist. You want to know what the presenting complaint was, how long therapy has been going on, how often the patient has talked about or attempted suicide, whether she is on anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant medication and how much, how often she is seeing the good doctor, and how therapy is going.
"Think gray" means intentionally look for the exaggerations and distortions in the story your client is telling, and ask about the "other side" of the story. Few men are as monstrous as these women describe them (though some are cruel and abusive), and few mothers are as virtuous as these moms describe themselves. Ask these women to describe the "good dad" or "good husband" characteristics of their spouses, and they frequenty can find nothing good to say--this is a confirmation of the black and white cognitive style that traps these women in a world that is either "all good" or "all bad". Help the client to practice thinking both good and bad at the same time.
Because these women are so emotionally vulnerable, they personalize everything that happens, and much like young children, believe that they are the cause. Forgetting to return a phone call, being late for a meeting, or not taking their (20 times per day) phone calls will be interpreted by the client as "I am a bad person" and can easily turn into "I have a bad lawyer who doesn't care about me". For these women, regular, scheduled and frequent but short meetings (like every week but no more than two weeks) is important to build trust and get the client to confide in you. Otherwise, you will certainly be unpleasantly surprised by what you learn from opposing counsel. If you don't have time to do this yourself, delegate the task to your legal assistant and step in when the legal process demands it, but someone needs to maintain regular but limited contact with these clients. Don't promise what you can't deliver, and when you promise, do what you say you will do.
True borderline personality disorders make suicide attempts much more frequently than any other diagnostic group, and because their mood swings can be so severe, they can go from OK to suicidal in a flash. Consequently, take ANY discussion of suicide seriously, and make sure the therapist is on top of the situation. These women also make a number of suicidal gestures too, but a miscalculated gesture, designed to get attention and communicate helplessness can get out of hand and turn into a tragic and fatal event.
The best way to keep these women on an even keel is to be calm yourself. They are extremely sensitive to the moods of others and will react to them without awareness or self control. The more calm you are, the more calm the client will be.
Because of their limited ability to cope, surprises are NOT a good thing. Keep the client informed, in person when possible, and by phone if necessary, and then follow up with CYA letters. Bad news about the case will often NOT be heard and retained the first time, so be sure to confirm that your client heard you correctly by having her summarize it back to you. You will be astonished at the differences between what you said and what she heard, so be prepared to repeat and clarify her distortions and misunderstandings.
These strategies will help your client to cope and will make your job of representing her much easier. These clients require a greater time investment in order to provide adequate representation, so plan for more time and YOU be in charge of your time. Your client will thank you for it after the case is over.
For the needy (usually woman) client:
What they communicate:
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Catastrophic expectations
Black and white thinking
Need for constant contact and reassurance
Impulsive decisions and poor judgment
What to do:
Call mental health professional
Think gray
Build trust, be consistent
Take threats seriously
Provide predictable, limited access to you or your assistant
Be calm,
Avoid surprises
Let me explain a bit about each of these "to dos". Since most of these women either already have therapists or need to be in therapy, the first call you should make is to the woman's therapist. You want to know what the presenting complaint was, how long therapy has been going on, how often the patient has talked about or attempted suicide, whether she is on anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant medication and how much, how often she is seeing the good doctor, and how therapy is going.
"Think gray" means intentionally look for the exaggerations and distortions in the story your client is telling, and ask about the "other side" of the story. Few men are as monstrous as these women describe them (though some are cruel and abusive), and few mothers are as virtuous as these moms describe themselves. Ask these women to describe the "good dad" or "good husband" characteristics of their spouses, and they frequenty can find nothing good to say--this is a confirmation of the black and white cognitive style that traps these women in a world that is either "all good" or "all bad". Help the client to practice thinking both good and bad at the same time.
Because these women are so emotionally vulnerable, they personalize everything that happens, and much like young children, believe that they are the cause. Forgetting to return a phone call, being late for a meeting, or not taking their (20 times per day) phone calls will be interpreted by the client as "I am a bad person" and can easily turn into "I have a bad lawyer who doesn't care about me". For these women, regular, scheduled and frequent but short meetings (like every week but no more than two weeks) is important to build trust and get the client to confide in you. Otherwise, you will certainly be unpleasantly surprised by what you learn from opposing counsel. If you don't have time to do this yourself, delegate the task to your legal assistant and step in when the legal process demands it, but someone needs to maintain regular but limited contact with these clients. Don't promise what you can't deliver, and when you promise, do what you say you will do.
True borderline personality disorders make suicide attempts much more frequently than any other diagnostic group, and because their mood swings can be so severe, they can go from OK to suicidal in a flash. Consequently, take ANY discussion of suicide seriously, and make sure the therapist is on top of the situation. These women also make a number of suicidal gestures too, but a miscalculated gesture, designed to get attention and communicate helplessness can get out of hand and turn into a tragic and fatal event.
The best way to keep these women on an even keel is to be calm yourself. They are extremely sensitive to the moods of others and will react to them without awareness or self control. The more calm you are, the more calm the client will be.
Because of their limited ability to cope, surprises are NOT a good thing. Keep the client informed, in person when possible, and by phone if necessary, and then follow up with CYA letters. Bad news about the case will often NOT be heard and retained the first time, so be sure to confirm that your client heard you correctly by having her summarize it back to you. You will be astonished at the differences between what you said and what she heard, so be prepared to repeat and clarify her distortions and misunderstandings.
These strategies will help your client to cope and will make your job of representing her much easier. These clients require a greater time investment in order to provide adequate representation, so plan for more time and YOU be in charge of your time. Your client will thank you for it after the case is over.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Needy Woman--Disengaged Man Pattern
The needy woman-disengaged man is probably the most volatile and contentious pattern that I have seen in more than 30 years of dealing with divorcing couples. These couples are far more likely to litigate, and although they all eventually get divorced, the legal divorce is seldom the end of the conflict. What follows is a brief description of the individuals, followed by a summary of how the divorce process unfolds for these unfortunate people and their children. It is important to remember that "it takes two to tango" and to a large extent, these patterns require both spouses in order to play out the drama. The more that each partner fits the individual patterns described below, the greater the chaos, and the more closely the divorce will follow the "worst case" scenario.
The most visible partner in this scenario and the likely "identified patient" is the woman. She is likely to be attractive, bright, sociable, well-dressed, articulate, and frequently insightful about her husband and his motivations but blind to her own. These women usually make a good first impression, unless they are having one of their frequent "melt downs"--then they will be anxious, depressed (even suicidal), irrational, and even paranoid. Logical thinking will be a challenge, and it will be hard for them to learn about the slow and confusing legal process, so they will be a difficult client to manage.
Emotionally, divorce represents the realization of the greatest fear of these women-being abandoned. These women will develop rapid and intense attachments to lawyers and mental health professionals, and will barrage them with phone calls and emails with little recognition of the impact of their behavior on others (just like in the rest of their lives). They will appear to be remarkably helpless and unable to follow through with tasks related to their lives or their divorces, despite the outward appearance of competence and success that may well be apparent in their social or professional lives. These women are frequently misusing either drugs or alcohol or both, and are highly addiction prone (it could be food, sex, caffeine, xanax, or wine). They have a very "black and white" view of the world, and readily split people and events into either "all good" or "all bad" categories, and are rarely able to be balanced and objective.
As mothers, these women tend to be overly involved ("enmeshed") with their children or inappropriately disengaged. When there is more than one child, both patterns could be evident, with a "good" child and "bad" child ("just like his/her father"). Moms frequently have real difficulties being separated from their children, making visitation very challenging, and with mom distorting or exaggerating the bad experiences of their children when visiting dad. This separation anxiety is frequently evident to the children, who often express the need to "take care of" mom or just act out and complain about dad to a degree that is not supported by the facts as a way to be loyal to mom.
Many, though not all, of these women meet most or all of the diagnostic criteria for the DSM-IV personality disorder "Borderline Personality"(BPD). Many mental health professionals, knowing that they are likely to be deposed or called to testify in a divorce, will avoid diagnosing BPD because of the stigma attached to this diagnosis. BPD is difficult to treat, takes 2-5 years of twice per week psychotherapy, and has a poor prognosis without treatment (chronic "stable instability" with vulnerability to recurrent depression and anxiety and heightened suicide risk). Many less well-trained mental health professionals won't recognize the pattern at all, and will naively support the exaggerated and distorted claims of mistreatment made by many of these women.
The men in this drama may be disengaged for a number of reasons, but they will almost always appear to be quite distant and emotionally uninvolved by the time of the divorce. Many times the men have filed for divorce, although a substantial number will be the respondent after the wife discovers some infidelity. These two sub-groups of men are quite different in their outward appearance and emotional makeup. First, the ego-driven husbands.
These men are smart, successful, extremely self-confident, and almost clinical in their approach to divorce. Many are executives and medical professionals and high profile community figures. They can be both calculating and cruel in their treatment of their spouse and children, and frequently quickly replace the wife with a "newer model". Their capacity for empathy is limited or absent, and they will treat everyone they deal with a replaceable commodity. Many of them have had one or more affairs with secretaries or assistants, or like Governor Spitzer, used high price escorts.
Ironically, these men share the same black and white thinking style as their spouse, and will find it hard to be objective about their now "worthless *****" of a wife. While their thinking is less impaired than that of their wife, their judgment is usually equally poor, and they can act in remarkably thoughtless and self-defeating ways because they believe that "the rules don't apply" to them, and that they won't get caught or punished.
These men probably meet some or all of the criteria to be called "narcissistic personality disorders (NPD)" in DSM-IV terms, but they will NOT be in treatment nor interested in it. Because they sincerely believe in their own superior intelligence and perfection, therapy is a joke to them.
The other group of disengaged men is more healthy than the ego-driven group, but nonetheless emotionally disengaged. These men usually make impulsive and poorly considered commitments to marry the needy, dependent, borderline women as a way to avoid being alone. They are usually quiet, smart, conforming men who are attracted to the charismatic, extraverted persona that these women present when they are "on the market". Usually, the men describe how their wives changed overnight once "the deal was sealed", and they are reluctant, regretful participants in the divorce process, not the "take no prisoners" litigants like the ego-driven men. After many unsuccessful attempts to work out compromises with these unstable and uncompromising women, the men withdraw from the wives out of frustration and in self-defense until they decide they have had enough.
The classic "War of the Roses" divorce scenario is played out between the borderline woman and the narcissistic man. Allegations are exchanged without consideration of the consequences for the children, and actual parental alienation--active attempts by both parents to smear the other parent and to enlist the children in the conflict--are the norm. Allegations of abuse or neglect are also the norm, and sometimes are true (the base rate for truthful abuse allegations in divorce cases is under 5%). Husbands almost always have control of the money in these relationships, and use the children as leverage to minimize their financial exposure in the final settlement. The women frequently want to use the legal system to extract "justice" for the behavior of their husbands, and make unwise decisions to prolong the litigation and thereby remain negatively engaged with the husbands. Husbands frequently accuse the wife of being "crazy" or "unstable" and a danger to the children, even though they have usually been uninvolved as parents prior to the divorce. Ironically, both spouses are in some respects "right" in their claims about the other, although the exaggeration and hyperbole makes both stories hard to believe.Litigation is usually protracted and needlessly expensive, and terminated in some kind of "lose-lose" settlement agreement for both property and custody of the children.
The big losers in this drama are the children, who usually end up spending more time with mom and never establishing a good connection to dad, even if he faithfully exercises visitation. Conflict between the parents usually continues throughout the child's life, leading to emotional behavioral problems, and and as the research shows, handicaps the children in their ability to form intimate relationships as an adult.
Discussion of the other patterns to follow.
The most visible partner in this scenario and the likely "identified patient" is the woman. She is likely to be attractive, bright, sociable, well-dressed, articulate, and frequently insightful about her husband and his motivations but blind to her own. These women usually make a good first impression, unless they are having one of their frequent "melt downs"--then they will be anxious, depressed (even suicidal), irrational, and even paranoid. Logical thinking will be a challenge, and it will be hard for them to learn about the slow and confusing legal process, so they will be a difficult client to manage.
Emotionally, divorce represents the realization of the greatest fear of these women-being abandoned. These women will develop rapid and intense attachments to lawyers and mental health professionals, and will barrage them with phone calls and emails with little recognition of the impact of their behavior on others (just like in the rest of their lives). They will appear to be remarkably helpless and unable to follow through with tasks related to their lives or their divorces, despite the outward appearance of competence and success that may well be apparent in their social or professional lives. These women are frequently misusing either drugs or alcohol or both, and are highly addiction prone (it could be food, sex, caffeine, xanax, or wine). They have a very "black and white" view of the world, and readily split people and events into either "all good" or "all bad" categories, and are rarely able to be balanced and objective.
As mothers, these women tend to be overly involved ("enmeshed") with their children or inappropriately disengaged. When there is more than one child, both patterns could be evident, with a "good" child and "bad" child ("just like his/her father"). Moms frequently have real difficulties being separated from their children, making visitation very challenging, and with mom distorting or exaggerating the bad experiences of their children when visiting dad. This separation anxiety is frequently evident to the children, who often express the need to "take care of" mom or just act out and complain about dad to a degree that is not supported by the facts as a way to be loyal to mom.
Many, though not all, of these women meet most or all of the diagnostic criteria for the DSM-IV personality disorder "Borderline Personality"(BPD). Many mental health professionals, knowing that they are likely to be deposed or called to testify in a divorce, will avoid diagnosing BPD because of the stigma attached to this diagnosis. BPD is difficult to treat, takes 2-5 years of twice per week psychotherapy, and has a poor prognosis without treatment (chronic "stable instability" with vulnerability to recurrent depression and anxiety and heightened suicide risk). Many less well-trained mental health professionals won't recognize the pattern at all, and will naively support the exaggerated and distorted claims of mistreatment made by many of these women.
The men in this drama may be disengaged for a number of reasons, but they will almost always appear to be quite distant and emotionally uninvolved by the time of the divorce. Many times the men have filed for divorce, although a substantial number will be the respondent after the wife discovers some infidelity. These two sub-groups of men are quite different in their outward appearance and emotional makeup. First, the ego-driven husbands.
These men are smart, successful, extremely self-confident, and almost clinical in their approach to divorce. Many are executives and medical professionals and high profile community figures. They can be both calculating and cruel in their treatment of their spouse and children, and frequently quickly replace the wife with a "newer model". Their capacity for empathy is limited or absent, and they will treat everyone they deal with a replaceable commodity. Many of them have had one or more affairs with secretaries or assistants, or like Governor Spitzer, used high price escorts.
Ironically, these men share the same black and white thinking style as their spouse, and will find it hard to be objective about their now "worthless *****" of a wife. While their thinking is less impaired than that of their wife, their judgment is usually equally poor, and they can act in remarkably thoughtless and self-defeating ways because they believe that "the rules don't apply" to them, and that they won't get caught or punished.
These men probably meet some or all of the criteria to be called "narcissistic personality disorders (NPD)" in DSM-IV terms, but they will NOT be in treatment nor interested in it. Because they sincerely believe in their own superior intelligence and perfection, therapy is a joke to them.
The other group of disengaged men is more healthy than the ego-driven group, but nonetheless emotionally disengaged. These men usually make impulsive and poorly considered commitments to marry the needy, dependent, borderline women as a way to avoid being alone. They are usually quiet, smart, conforming men who are attracted to the charismatic, extraverted persona that these women present when they are "on the market". Usually, the men describe how their wives changed overnight once "the deal was sealed", and they are reluctant, regretful participants in the divorce process, not the "take no prisoners" litigants like the ego-driven men. After many unsuccessful attempts to work out compromises with these unstable and uncompromising women, the men withdraw from the wives out of frustration and in self-defense until they decide they have had enough.
The classic "War of the Roses" divorce scenario is played out between the borderline woman and the narcissistic man. Allegations are exchanged without consideration of the consequences for the children, and actual parental alienation--active attempts by both parents to smear the other parent and to enlist the children in the conflict--are the norm. Allegations of abuse or neglect are also the norm, and sometimes are true (the base rate for truthful abuse allegations in divorce cases is under 5%). Husbands almost always have control of the money in these relationships, and use the children as leverage to minimize their financial exposure in the final settlement. The women frequently want to use the legal system to extract "justice" for the behavior of their husbands, and make unwise decisions to prolong the litigation and thereby remain negatively engaged with the husbands. Husbands frequently accuse the wife of being "crazy" or "unstable" and a danger to the children, even though they have usually been uninvolved as parents prior to the divorce. Ironically, both spouses are in some respects "right" in their claims about the other, although the exaggeration and hyperbole makes both stories hard to believe.Litigation is usually protracted and needlessly expensive, and terminated in some kind of "lose-lose" settlement agreement for both property and custody of the children.
The big losers in this drama are the children, who usually end up spending more time with mom and never establishing a good connection to dad, even if he faithfully exercises visitation. Conflict between the parents usually continues throughout the child's life, leading to emotional behavioral problems, and and as the research shows, handicaps the children in their ability to form intimate relationships as an adult.
Discussion of the other patterns to follow.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
more narcissism and types
Question:
Is the narcissist characterised by simultaneous instabilities in all the important aspects of his life?
Answer:
The narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego functions) from other people's reactions to an image he invents and projects, called the False Self (Narcissistic Supply). Since no absolute control over the quantity and quality of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to fluctuate – the narcissist's view of himself and of his world is correspondingly and equally volatile. As "public opinion" ebbs and flows, so do the narcissist's self-confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, or, in other words, so does his Self. Even the narcissist's convictions are subject to a never-ending process of vetting by others.
The narcissistic personality is unstable in each and every one of its dimensions. It is the ultimate hybrid: rigidly amorphous, devoutly flexible, reliant for its sustenance on the opinion of people, whom the narcissist undervalues. A large part of this instability is subsumed under the Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM) that I describe in the Essay. The narcissist's lability is so ubiquitous and so dominant – that it might well be described as the ONLY stable feature of his personality.
The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract Narcissistic Supply (attention).
An example of this kind of behaviour:
The narcissist may study a given subject diligently and in great depth in order to impress people later with this newly acquired erudition. But, having served its purpose, the narcissist lets the knowledge thus acquired evaporate. The narcissist maintains a sort of a "short-term" cell or warehouse where he stores whatever may come handy in the pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. But he is almost never really interested in what he does, studies, and experiences.
From the outside, this might be perceived as instability. But think about it this way: the narcissist is constantly preparing for life's "exams" and feels that he is on a permanent trial. It is common to forget material studied only in preparation for an exam or for a court appearance.
Short-term memory is perfectly normal. What sets the narcissist apart is the fact that, with him, this short-termism is a CONSTANT state of affairs and affects ALL his functions, not only those directly related to learning, or to emotions, or to experience, or to any single dimension of his life.
Thus, the narcissist learns, remembers and forgets not in line with his real interests or hobbies, he loves and hates not the real subjects of his emotions but one dimensional, utilitarian, cartoons constructed by him. He judges, praises and condemns – all from the narrowest possible point of view: the potential to extract Narcissistic Supply.
He asks not what he can do with the world and in it – but what can the world do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply goes. He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences, vocations, hobbies, interests – because they seem to be able to provide more or less Narcissistic Supply and for no other reason.
Still, narcissists belong to two broad categories: the "compensatory stability" and the "enhancing instability" types.
I. Compensatory Stability ("Classic") Narcissists
These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and "make these aspect/s stable". They do not really invest themselves in it. This stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his "island of stability". To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there for him physically.
The narcissist is dependent upon "his" woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs.
Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious.
This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or intentions to divorce him. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded – he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise.
Another – even more common – case is the "career narcissist". This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed. Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work.
His career is the island of compensating stability in his otherwise mercurial existence. This kind of narcissist is dogged by unmitigated ambition and devotion. He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the corporate ladder and treading the career path. In his pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous – and, very often, successful.
II. Enhancing Instability ("Borderline") Narcissist
The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job.
This added instability gives this type of narcissist the feeling that all the dimensions of his life are changing simultaneously, that he is being "unshackled", that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent "conversions", "decisions", "crises", "transformations", "developments" and "periods". They see through his pretensions, protestations, and solemn declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.
Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps, over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive, impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life.
The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) – all "qualify", in the eyes of the narcissist, as stultifying rote.
The narcissist feels entitled. He feels it is his right – due to his intellectual or physical superiority – to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He wants to force life itself, or at least people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety.
This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive entitlement. The narcissist feels that the very existence of a sublime intellect (such as his) warrants concessions and allowances by others.
Thus, standing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist should avail himself of the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical authorities – lest the precious asset that is the narcissist is lost to Mankind. He should not be bothered with trivial pursuits – these lowly functions are best assigned to the less gifted. The devil is in paying precious attention to detail.
Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with their grandiose self-image.
Of course, this overpowering sense of superiority often serves to mask and compensate for a cancerous complex of inferiority. Moreover, the narcissist infects others with his projected grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of self worth by rigidly insisting that he is above the madding crowd while deriving his Narcissistic Supply from the very people he holds in deep contempt.
But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable. Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM's). Despising routine and avoiding it is one of these mechanisms. Their function is to prevent the narcissist from getting emotionally involved and, subsequently, hurt.
Their application results in an "approach-avoidance repetition complex". The narcissist, fearing and loathing intimacy, stability and security – yet craving them – approaches and then avoids significant others or important tasks in a rapid succession of apparently inconsistent and disconnected cycles.
All posts on narcissism from Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq32.html
narcissism vs bipolar
(The use of gender pronouns in this article reflects the clinical facts: most narcissists are men.)
The manic phase of Bipolar I Disorder is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Bipolar patients in the manic phase exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism - hyperactivity, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control freakery. During this recurring chapter of the disease, the patient is euphoric, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are (inevitably) frustrated.
The manic phases of the bipolar disorder, however, are limited in time - NPD is not. Furthermore, the mania is followed by - usually protracted - depressive episodes. The narcissist is also frequently dysphoric. But whereas the bipolar sinks into deep self-deprecation, self-devaluation, unbounded pessimism, all-pervasive guilt and anhedonia - the narcissist, even when depressed, never forgoes his narcissism: his grandiosity, sense of entitlement, haughtiness, and lack of empathy.
Narcissistic dysphorias are much shorter and reactive - they constitute a response to the Grandiosity Gap. In plain words, the narcissist is dejected when confronted with the abyss between his inflated self-image and grandiose fantasies - and the drab reality of his life: his failures, lack of accomplishments, disintegrating interpersonal relationships, and low status. Yet, one dose of Narcissistic Supply is enough to elevate the narcissists from the depth of misery to the heights of manic euphoria.
Not so with the bipolar. The source of her or his mood swings is assumed to be brain biochemistry - not the availability of Narcissistic Supply. Whereas the narcissist is in full control of his faculties, even when maximally agitated, the bipolar often feels that s/he has lost control of his/her brain ("flight of ideas"), his/her speech, his/her attention span (distractibility), and his/her motor functions.
The bipolar is prone to reckless behaviors and substance abuse only during the manic phase. The narcissist does drugs, drinks, gambles, shops on credit, indulges in unsafe sex or in other compulsive behaviors both when elated and when deflated.
As a rule, the bipolar's manic phase interferes with his/her social and occupational functioning. Many narcissists, in contrast, reach the highest rungs of their community, church, firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they function flawlessly - though the inevitable blowups and the grating extortion of Narcissistic Supply usually put an end to the narcissist's career and social liaisons.
The manic phase of bipolar sometimes requires hospitalization and - more frequently than admitted - involves psychotic features. Narcissists are never hospitalized as the risk for self-harm is minute. Moreover, psychotic microepisodes in narcissism are decompensatory in nature and appear only under unendurable stress (e.g., in intensive therapy).
The bipolar's mania provokes discomfort in both strangers and in the patient's nearest and dearest. His/her constant cheer and compulsive insistence on interpersonal, sexual, and occupational, or professional interactions engenders unease and repulsion. Her/his lability of mood - rapid shifts between uncontrollable rage and unnatural good spirits - is downright intimidating. The narcissist's gregariousness, by comparison, is calculated, "cold", controlled, and goal-orientated (the extraction of Narcissistic Supply). His cycles of mood and affect are far less pronounced and less rapid.
The bipolar's swollen self-esteem, overstated self-confidence, obvious grandiosity, and delusional fantasies are akin to the narcissist's and are the source of the diagnostic confusion. Both types of patients purport to give advice, carry out an assignment, accomplish a mission, or embark on an enterprise for which they are uniquely unqualified and lack the talents, skills, knowledge, or experience required.
But the bipolar's bombast is far more delusional than the narcissist's. Ideas of reference and magical thinking are common and, in this sense, the bipolar is closer to the schizotypal than to the narcissistic.
There are other differentiating symptoms:
Sleep disorders - notably acute insomnia - are common in the manic phase of bipolar and uncommon in narcissism. So is "manic speech" - pressured, uninterruptible, loud, rapid, dramatic (includes singing and humorous asides), sometimes incomprehensible, incoherent, chaotic, and lasts for hours. It reflects the bipolar's inner turmoil and his/her inability to control his/her racing and kaleidoscopic thoughts.
As opposed to narcissists, bipolar in the manic phase are often distracted by the slightest stimuli, are unable to focus on relevant data, or to maintain the thread of conversation. They are "all over the place" - simultaneously initiating numerous business ventures, joining a myriad organization, writing umpteen letters, contacting hundreds of friends and perfect strangers, acting in a domineering, demanding, and intrusive manner, totally disregarding the needs and emotions of the unfortunate recipients of their unwanted attentions. They rarely follow up on their projects.
The transformation is so marked that the bipolar is often described by his/her closest as "not himself/herself". Indeed, some bipolars relocate, change name and appearance, and lose contact with their "former life". Antisocial or even criminal behavior is not uncommon and aggression is marked, directed at both others (assault) and oneself (suicide). Some biploars describe an acuteness of the senses, akin to experiences recounted by drug users: smells, sounds, and sights are accentuated and attain an unearthly quality.
As opposed to narcissists, bipolars regret their misdeeds following the manic phase and try to atone for their actions. They realize and accept that "something is wrong with them" and seek help. During the depressive phase they are ego-dystonic and their defenses are autoplastic (they blame themselves for their defeats, failures, and mishaps).
Finally, pathological narcissism is already discernible in early adolescence. The full-fledged bipolar disorder - including a manic phase - rarely occurs before the age of 20. The narcissist is consistent in his pathology - not so the bipolar. The onset of the manic episode is fast and furious and results in a conspicuous metamorphosis of the patient.
NPD and relationships
Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.
Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them. A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.narcissistic traits
A pattern of grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy are the chief components in the diagnosis of NPD. These behaviors begin in early adulthood. A narcissistic individual is unable to trust others but replies on others to be a mirror which reflects back to him his unrealistic perception of his accomplishments, brilliance, talent, and beauty. A narcissistic individual has a fragile sense of self. To strengthen his sense of self he depends on other's admiration and constant attention. He expects other's to covet his possessions and he is constantly seeking compliments. Thus the narcissist develops numerous, shallow relationships to extract tributes from others.
Because a narcissistic individual has a shifting morality--always ready to shift values to gain favor--any interaction with a narcissist is difficult. Narcissists are self-absorbed and have no interest in anyone other than themselves. Their tendency is to form friendships or romantic relationships with only those that can enhance their self-esteem or advance their purposes.
The narcissist uses others to aid him in any tasks he undertakes and will frequently take credit for work which others have done. The narcissistic individual may be more successful at his chosen field of work than some of the other personality disorders. This is because his work can be advantageous to the narcissist especially if it provides narcissistic supply.
Lying is an integral part of the narcissist's behavior and all their self-reports are unreliable. His cognition is impaired to the extent that he frequently misinterprets other's speech, actions, and thoughts. He may believe that someone respects or loves him although this is a fantasy which exists only in the mind of the narcissist.
A narcissist demonstrates a lack of empathy towards others and this causes him to treat others like objects. He does not see others as human beings, but sees them as objects that have no feelings or needs. His sense of entitlement leads to his exploitation of others and this results in little guilt or remorse.
A narcissistic injury occurs when someone defeats or criticizes the narcissistic individual. The narcissist may not show it outwardly, but he is haunted by criticisms and defeats. Therefore, the narcissist does have emotions. The narcissist, however, does not relate to his emotions as others do because he represses his emotions so deeply that they play no conscious role in his behavior. But, these repressed emotions unconsciously play a large part in determining his behavior. When a narcissistic injury occurs, the narcissist begins to feel empty, degraded, and humiliated and he is capable of retaliating with narcissistic rage. His reactions constitute disdain or defiant attacks.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
list of types
1. Narcissistic
2. Borderline (enmeshed and angry/nasty)
3. Alcohol/substance abuser/s
4. Sex Addicts
5. Low conflict/avoidance
6. Physical/Emotional abuser
7. Controller (Paranoid/Obsessive)
8. Emotionally immature couple
9. Depressed spouse
10. Money conflicts
other systems
Kressel et al. (1980) compared a small sample group of divorcing couples using mediation (n=9) and others using traditional litigation (n=5) to develop a typology of divorcing families. The study identified four patterns that affected outcomes in mediation and led to decisions to litigate. These are:
- the enmeshed pattern, based on high levels of conflict and high ambivalence about the decision to divorce;
- the autistic pattern, with little overt conflict between the parents and a tendency for them to avoid each other and also avoid difficult and painful issues;
- the direct-conflict pattern, with high levels of overt conflict, but not as high as the “enmeshed” couples, and a tendency towards open and direct communication; and
- the disengaged conflict pattern, with low levels of ambivalence about the end of the marriage (these couples had already been able to resolve issues of ending closeness and intimacy).
The study concludes that couples who are most ambivalent about the end of the relationship are most likely to become involved in high levels of overt conflict over issues of settlement, including support, custody and access.
other systems for classifying divorces/
In her research on divorcing parents, family therapist Constance Ahrons identified different types of post-divorce parenting relationships: "perfect pals," "cooperative colleagues," "angry associates," "fiery foes," and "dissolved duos." However, even when parents are "angry associates" or "fiery foes," there are ways they can develop cooperative or business-like relationships for the sake of their children. Parental conflict can hinder children’s adjustment and good coparenting skills are very important to a child's adjustment.
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