Marriage, Divorce, and Narcissism: Part 2-High Conflict Divorce Client Profile

As I noted in my last post, 10% of divorces can be categorized as "high conflict". High conflict divorces rarely settle, are usually both lengthy and nasty, and a nearly all of them go to trial. The obvious question is "Why?" Who are these people who can't or won't settle their divorce cases?

The following list of facts from recent research findings offer a few clues:

• 1 in every 10 people in the US has no demonstrated capacity for empathy. This includes 3.3 M people diagnosable as anti-social personality disorder (APD), and another 6.6M people with diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
• NPD is also characterized by a selfish, grandiose self image, and being manipulative, easily offended, constantly needing attention and recognition, obsessed with their own appearance and possessions, controlling, physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive.
• Some recent research studies with NPDs in fMRI scanners appear to show that NPDs can be empathic but only"turn it on" in situations where it will help them get what they want (think dating or in court, for example).
• NPD is more common in men than in women (8.8 % of men and 4.6% of women).
• Narcissism is a growing problem, with the prevalence for narcissism reaching 10% for people in their 20's and may be exacerbated by heavy social media engagement.
• NPD prevalence is also greater in black men and women, Hispanic women, people who never married, and among those who have been divorced, separated, or widowed.
• NPDs crave constant adoration and seek out partners whom they perceive to be high status and attractive to enhance their own social standing and to be the envy of others. 
• Narcissism doesn't really emerge as a full blown personality disorder until most people are in their mid 20's.
• Narcissists are achievement oriented, and drawn to positions of power and control, so many can be found in the executive suite, politics, military, and government leadership positions.
• Narcissists are unable to compromise in divorce litigation since compromise means admitting they were not perfect or "right".
• Narcissistic traits worsen with age.
• Narcissists can be exceptionally charming and charismatic in public while being cruel in private.

In my 35 years of experience as a litigation consultant specializing in family law cases in Texas, when a divorce/custody case doesn't settle in mediation (or negotiations), I have found that one or both parties are NPDs. 

So you're asking, even it that is true, why does that matter?

As a lawyer handling divorces, when your new client is a man (and potentially a narcissist), this is what you will find:

• Your client will be successful, attractive, well dressed, affluent to wealthy, charming, calm, self-assured, and smarter than average.
• The discussion about the divorce will be almost exclusively about money and property, even if there are children.
• This will feel like a business deal, and the goal (explicitly or implicitly) will be to crush the opposing party because they failed to keep their part of the marriage bargain.
• Your client will lie to you about virtually everything.
• Whatever allegations he makes about his wife, he is probably doing himself (she probably isn't)
• He will very likely have been planning the divorce for a while and hiding assets and income, which he will deny.
• He probably has had multiple affairs, and is having one as you speak.
• He will describe his wife as "unstable", "mentally ill", "crazy", "unpredictable"...
• He will paint himself as the victim of a chaotic, angry, vindictive, and sexually deprived  marriage; sometimes as the victim of irrational anger and even violence.
• If there are children, he will report that they are doing great and are unaffected by the family situation, or he will insist the kids are getting damaged by too much time with their "crazy mother".

So counsel, what does that mean for you and your representation of this guy?

• He will take your advice only if he agrees with it (he's the smartest guy in every room BTW).
• When there are problems during the case caused his behavior, he will blame you.
• Rules, court orders, limits won't apply to him.
• He will expect special treatment from everyone, including you.
• If he doesn't get everything he wants, he may "blame the system" but he will file a grievance against you and go to arbitration to get his money back.
• If you're smart, you will write CYA letters about everything you advise him to do.
• He will probably fire you and move on to other counsel when you (inevitably) disappoint him.

So who would marry these guys? More about the wives in the next issue. Stay tuned for part 3.