Why are clients willing to pay for coaching during divorce litigation? Because feelings really do matter to our clients

"You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free..." John 8:32

For more than 35 years now, since my third year in law school as a clerk in a boutique family law firm, I have had the privilege of listening to family law litigants tell me their stories. Most are disturbing and sad, tragic for the children involved, some are funny, and all involve the clients expressing their deepest desire to "tell their story" in their own way, and have someone really understand what they have experienced and what they fear.

As a pioneer and innovator in this unique niche in the litigation consulting industry, I frequently have to help family lawyers figure out a way to explain the value of my services to their clients. As litigants have become more and more cost conscious, lawyers have become more and more reluctant to talk to their clients about how a talented and experienced coach and consultant could help them and their families navigate a very trying and expensive process. This reluctance is a combination of prudent business and professional judgement and of a failure to understand the depth of the emotional strains faced by their clients who feel victimized by a system they don't understand and can't control. Some of my more empathic lawyer friends have truthfully told me they call me because they "really don't want to listen to that ..." and they know I will not only listen and help the client, but then provide them with legally relevant information that will help them win victories for their clients.

As a shrink who operates in a world full of trial attorneys, I have taken a fair amount of mostly good-natured ribbing about being interested in our client's' "feelings".  (To be honest, there are times when the attorney part of me doesn't care much about those feelings either.)  Now, advances in brain imaging and monitoring have provided the scientific foundation for why "feelings matter" to our clients. The research exposed participants to a very confusing and stressful set of unfamiliar circumstances (sounds like family law litigation to me-just saying). The imaging and monitoring technology showed a brain clearly in chaos: rapid, spiking EEG waveforms, and an overall chaotic pattern of brain over-activity (recognize any clients yet?). Only one intervention was required to completely change the brain wave patterns to normal, rhythmic, stable, modulated, and calm: correctly labeling the "feeling" being experienced. Even I was impressed with the speed and the totality of the measured and experienced effect. 

Who knew? I do now, and so  do you. Labeling feelings helps the brain organize itself. Knowing the truth about what the feeling is (an accurate label) allows the brain to change the way it functions and return to normal, and it happens fast!

The other value that skilled coaching brings to family law litigants (and their lawyers) is the developing the ability to perform relevant and critical litigation tasks at a high level of skill.  Lawyers seldom remember that the most widely experienced fear for 2/3 of our clients is: fear of public speaking (testifying). And as my clients have told me, this fear is magnified because they believe that if they fail to perform, they will lose their children (and that could actually happen).  

Teaching people the rules of evidence relevant to their testimony, the psychology of non-verbal persuasion in the courtroom for witnesses, cross examination and direct examination skills, and replacing fear with confidence provides clients with just the value that the credit card commercial claims: it's priceless.  

For parents in custody litigation, knowing they did their part in contributing to putting on a good case, even if they didn't get exactly what they wanted, provides peace of mind that eludes litigants who do poorly in a deposition or in court. More of my clients have wished aloud that I had been hired sooner than have complained about my fees or that I was hired at all (the ratio is about 1000 to 1--there's always one). 

As lawyers, even family lawyers, it's easy to ignore, minimize, or brush off those messy "feelings" that come with family conflict and the resulting chaos. Just remember, it's not the client's "will power" that needs adjustment, it's their brains.  There's help for that. 

Now you know the truth...Call me.

Research Update: Stress is Connected to Decreased Brain Volumes in Children

A new study published this month in the Journal of Neuroscience has profound implications for children of divorce. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Richard Davidson and Seth Pollak, examined the brains of a group of children using fMRI and compiled a detailed stressful life events history from their parents. Examining the brain scans revealed that both white matter (the connections between brain areas) and the gray matter (the cells that 'do the math') were LOWER in volume in children with greater levels of stress in their life history. This finding was particularly evident in the anterior cingulate portion of pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain in the very front of the head that is responsible for "working memory". (Journal of Neuroscience , June 6, 2012)

As we know, divorce is a process and not an event. The period of time leading up to the divorce is a very stressful time for families, and the divorce process itself is particularly difficult for children. Children of divorce are frequently observed to be "absent minded" or "distracted" during and after the divorce, and this new research documents the physical changes that are taking place in the brains of these children that are evident in their behavior, particularly changes in their school performance.  The decreases in the volume of both white and gray matter in the brain found in these children with more stressful life histories now provides a neuroscience foundation for the findings of the psychological research on children of divorce. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events for children but it certainly isn't the only one.  Ongoing family violence, substance abuse, and neglect can all have deleterious effects on the brain development of young children, and profound effects on their emotional and intellectual, as well as social development.

The good news is that much of the new research on brain development is also finding that the brains of both children and adults is remarkably plastic, that is, capable of remarkable recovery and re-growth of new tissue when the conditions improve.  The challenge for professionals involved in resolving family disputes and working "in the best interest of the children" is to find solutions that lead to rapid reductions in the stress levels of the family so that the children's brains can begin to grow again and regain the volumes of both gray and white matter that characterize healthy growing brains. For some families that means therapy and reconciliation for the parents that leads to a new pattern of better communication and lower stress levels.

For other families, when untreated mental illness or personality disorders in one or both parents make new behavior patterns in the family unlikely, a quick and low conflict divorce may be the avenue to lower stress that will allow the children to recover their lost brain function most quickly. At this point, we don't know how much stress for how long will lead to permanent and irreversible brain changes in children of divorce, but as this new line of brain scan-driven research develops, we will know more. Stay tuned.

Be sure to check out my book now on sale at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Best-Divorce-Now-Tools/