Communicating with your Spouse During and After Divorce: An excerpt from my book

“Good communication does not mean that you have to speak in perfectly formed sentences and paragraphs. It isn't about slickness. Simple and clear go a long way.  John Kotter

[The following is Chapter 20 of my latest book "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools Before, During, and After"-KK]

Once the two of you decide to divorce, there will come a very uncomfortable period when you are still living in the same place, and if you have children, that discomfort could go on for years as you co-parent. Regardless of your unique circumstances, the divorce process, with or without children, requires periods of intensive communication to complete the divorce. A few people figure out how to communicate with their soon to be ex-spouse under the new circumstances and manage it well. Most don’t.

Here are my suggestions for how to do it with the least stress:

1. If you can still communicate face to face, stay on task, and NOT have a “Xerox conversation” (an identical repetition of an argument you two have had 100 times before), then sit down over the kitchen table and have a meeting with an agenda (written, but no more than 3-4 items per meeting) is the way to go.

2. Schedule the meeting at a mutually agreeable time, preferably NOT too late at night when you are both too tired to stay in control and solve problems.

3. Write down the agreement you reach for each item and sign it; give each spouse a copy.

4. If face to face meetings don’t work because the level of hurt and anger are too high, then choose the channel of communication LEAST likely to lead to escalation and MOST likely to lead to solution or agreement. This is my ranking of channels, from LEAST likely to escalate to MOST likely to escalate into an argument:

• Letter writing (Least likely to escalate)
• Email
• Texting
• Phone calls--scheduled ahead of time with an agenda
• Face to face with a counselor or parenting coordinator/facilitator
• Face to face meetings in a public place--scheduled with an agenda
• Face to face in private with a friend present--scheduled, with agenda
• Skype or Face-Time--scheduled, with agenda
• Spontaneous, unscheduled phone calls
• Face to face alone; no agenda (Most likely to escalate)

5. If you are already in the “can’t talk without arguing phase” of your divorce, then start with “letter writing” and work your way DOWN the list above until you find a channel that works for the two of you.

The challenge with letters, email, and text is that all the emotional content is removed, making communication harder and misunderstanding more likely. The benefit of these more impersonal channels of communication is that these same channels remove the “triggers” which re-ignite old arguments because usually the triggers are facial expressions and tone of voice that are signals of criticism, defensiveness, or contempt.

When children are involved, use email and text to set up or change visitation arrangements and to share information about the kids. Keep your face-to-face interactions at the door during exchanges of visitation Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly (remember the acronym BIFF).

This BIFF strategy also applies to texts and emails you send to the other parent. Protect your kids from seeing more of the conflict and start a new pattern of civil, friendly, cooperation and co-parenting for THEIR benefit. (Special thanks to Bill Eddy for the BIFF strategy.)

Even after the legal divorce is completed, you will still have occasions when you must communicate. Use the channel that works best for both of you.

My book "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools Before, During, and After" is now available on Amazon and as a Kindle e-book here:
http://preview.tinyurl.com/6llezrm

Co-Parenting: Using the CAPT system as a check up

“All happy families resemble each other. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. "  Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina

As the legal system has moved increasingly to support the policy of "joint custody"  (joint managing conservatorship-JMC- as it's called in Texas), the reality is that physical "custody" or "primary residence" for the children still resides with mom in about 85% of divorce and custody cases. But regardless of where the children live, most (about 60%) of those kids will have regular visits with the non-custodial parent, and the two parents and their fractured family will have to cooperate in some  minimal ways to function as co-parents to their children. 

The research is very clear. Kids who have a working co-parenting arrangement suffer less and function better after the divorce than those children who don't have regular involvement from both of their parents. Regardless of the many challenges in co-parenting with a person whom you have recently divorced, the kids benefit if the co-parenting relationship is free from hostility; if the hostility between the parents continues, the children will suffer, many of them permanently harmed by the toxic environment in which they live. 

In between the extremes of no visitation, and the ideal of genuinely cooperative co-parenting without conflict, lies the vast majority of co-parenting relationships where mostly well meaning people do their best to make the post-divorce life of their children as good as they can. The question for many of them is: How are we doing and how can we tell?

Here's a simple four factor system for parents to use to evaluate their co-parenting   track record, and then use as a guide to making any improvements that may be needed. The four factors are: Communication, Affection, Power, and Task Completion.

Communication

Good communication between co-parents is open, not guarded, and information is neither withheld nor shared with hostile intent. Information about school, grades, activities, friends, health, pets, awards, school discipline, or emotional crises are freely shared in a timely and thoughtful and considerate way. The communication is appropriately "dosed" not to much and not too little.

When this level of open and free flow of information isn't yet possible, then the BIFF system is used: communication is Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly.

Affection

In healthy intact families, affection is freely expressed and warmly received. Children hug their parents and parents hug their children, and touch is used as a way to communicate genuine care and concern. In fractured families, children sometimes withhold public displays of affection for one or both parents because they are afraid that any expression of affection for one parent will be interpreted as disloyalty to the other parent. And parents can likewise use their overly exuberant displays of affection at times of exchanges of custody as a weapon aimed at their former spouse (and now co-parent). 

For co-parents the goal is to express affection to your children, and to encourage your children and your co-parent to express their affection without concern that it will be threatening. 

Power

In healthy intact families, power is usually shared by the parents, with decisions made by joint consultation. For some decisions, dad will have more influence and final authority; for others, mom's expertise will make her the more influential parent. In any case, the final authority will rest with the parents: NEVER with the children. In healthy families, children are NEVER in charge.

For most co-parents, the power arrangements have been settled by the terms of the divorce decree. The decree should spell out who has the "right" to make decisions about health care, counseling for the kids if needed, educational issues, and other matters. The decree is intended to be the "go to" if co-parents cannot cooperate. Regardless of who owns the right according to the decree, the more that co-parents cooperate in decision making, the better the children will do in the long run. 

In co-parenting families, effective use of power requires healthy communication (see above). The opportunity for children to manipulate parents, and to gain control to the point where it is bad for the children, is greatly increased when communication between co-parents is poor.

Task Completion

Healthy intact families get things done. Income is produced, bills get paid on time, household chores and maintenance are done regularly and without drama, homework is done early and checked by mom and dad, after school activities are enrolled, paid for, and kids get to practices and games (or rehearsals and performances) regularly and on time without drama. Life is busy, active, and productive.

The challenge for co-parents is much greater because of the physical (and emotional) distance between the parents. Task completion requires much more attention, focus, and discipline for both parents and children in fractured families. However, the bottom line for the children is the same: if the kids are doing their daily chores, getting to school, doing their work, getting to their activities, and getting to bed on a regular schedule, then this part of family life is being successfully accomplished after divorce.

If any of these four areas of family life are not working as well as you would like, then the first thing to do is to start with the first factor: communication. Have a chat with your co-parent at a Starbucks, and express your concern, and have a suggested solution. If the two of you have a history of conflict, then start with email rather than face to face discussions. Remember to use the BIFF system: keep the email Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly. Stick to one issue at a time, don't do a long laundry list. Solve one issue, and then move on with a track record of success.

Your children will benefit from your efforts by having the advantage of two parents who work together for their welfare, just like kids from healthy intact families. Do it for your kids.