It's summer vacation/extended summer visitation time again; sexual abuse allegations revisited

In Texas, many divorced parents have mixed feelings about summer vacation. Most standard custody orders give the parent who doesn't have "primary possession" of the child(ren) 42 days of visitation during the summer. This means that the parent with primary possession gets an extended break from parenting responsibilities and the other parent gets a chance to spend some quality time with the kids when they aren't in school. Theoretically, it's a win-win.

Unfortunately, for a small group of parents, summer vacation means extended visitation for the children in an environment that is not only not stable, but sometimes is actually harmful to the kids. When the former spouse who is not the parent with primary possession, there is usually a good reason, especially if the arrangement was the result of litigation rather than friendly agreement. When the dad has primary possession (still a rare occurrence), and mom is the one with visitation, the risks of extended summer visitation to the kids is greater than normal.

This small group of moms who don't have primary possession of their children usually (not always) have found themselves in this position because they have one or more of these challenges that they haven't been able to overcome: histories and current unstable or abusive relationships, untreated depression, anxiety, or substance abuse, and/or severe personality disorders like borderline personality disorder or antisocial/narcissistic personality disorder. These issues represent a risk because they are nearly always accompanied by very low empathy for the kids and a pathological level of self-absorption and denial that can be dangerous.

The typical pattern for this group of unstable moms is a repetition of a life-long pattern: impulsive commitment to a relationship with a man who is both charming and abusive. If that man also has children from a previous relationship, the potential for a chaotic home environment is multiplied since HE is unlikely to be primary possessory parent, and HIS kids are also likely to be with him for extended periods of time in the summer. Most of these families are middle class at best, meaning that both parents probably work full-time, leaving the kids to supervise themselves for long periods of time. This lack of constant adult supervision during the day is a recipe for major chaos, and dramatically increases the risks for bullying by step-siblings, and even abuse, physical or sexual.

So what is a concerned parent to do?

1. Maintain contact with your kids--a daily phone call to say good night is good for them and for you.
2. When they get home, listen to the stories they tell, but don't interrogate your kids.
3. Watch for changes in their behavior: increased aggressiveness, anxiety, sadness or withdrawal, or regression to more dependent or infantile behavior that can be symptoms of stress.
4. When your kids spontaneously report episodes of abuse, take action.

• Consult a mental health professional to get some objective analysis of your concerns.
• If it sounds like abuse, report it to CPS.
• If there are bruises or other injuries, get them treated; take photos.
• Call a family law specialist and get some advice about what your options are for protecting your kids.

Most kids enjoy having extended summer visitation with the non-custodial parent and everybody benefits from the change in routine. But if you're a parent in the high risk category I described, don't be afraid, but do be alert.

For more information and tips about divorce:

Dr. Karlson's latest book "When ALL Else Fails: Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce is available on Amazon and Kindle. Here's the link:
http://tinyurl.com/qzlndut

The Sandusky trial: Lessons for divorced moms with sons

The graphic, heart-wrenching testimony of witnesses and victims in the Sandusky trial this week has prompted me to highlight some important lessons about sexual predators and the children who become their victims. Divorced moms with sons face particular challenges as parents, and the Sandusky case is the realization of a mother's worst fears. A few of the most important lessons follow.

The testimony of the victims this week highlights some of the typical features of the sexual predators of young children. Many are charismatic, successful, in responsible positions teaching or supervising children, often described (as Sandusky was) as having "a heart of gold" because of their public demonstrations of concern for vulnerable or disadvantaged children, and frequently married men, some with families. There is rarely only one victim unless the predator is young, inexperienced, and impulsive. For most predators, there are a series of victims over a long period of time, years or even decades. The most important take-away: these are NOT the creepy old men in raincoats who jump out of the bushes. These guys are quite literally wolves in sheep's clothing.

Most sexual predators of children work at developing opportunities to victimize children. The behavior is very much like a wolf stalking a vulnerable young deer and waiting for an opportunity to separate it from the herd. Sandusky appears to be prototypical. He had a job which gave him access to children away from their parents. He started a non-profit organization which gave him even more access to kids, and easy access to the  most vulnerable children. He cultivated relationships with a few of the most vulnerable children by giving them time, attention, and unique opportunities which required the kids to be alone with him away from other adults and children. He was publicly affectionate (but not too affectionate so as not to arouse suspicions) with his victims and with other kids in his care. He created private moments with these children and gradually increased the level of both affection and pressure to engage in sexual behavior that confused and paralyzed these vulnerable kids. Then he threatened them with the loss of his affection and of their special opportunities to keep them quiet.

Children of divorce are particularly vulnerable when fathers fail to remain engaged with their kids, boys or girls. The trauma of divorce is magnified greatly when the ongoing conflict between parents is resolved by the dad withdrawing from the conflict and failing to regularly and faithfully exercise his right to visitation. These kids who have been abandoned by their dads are particularly vulnerable to being exploited and victimized.

Lessons for divorced moms-- the red flags...

1. There is NO good reason for a coach to shower with a young child, especially alone. Ever.

2. There is NO good reason for a coach  or teacher to have a young child in their home overnight for a "sleepover". Ever.

3. There is NO good reason for a coach or teacher to take ONE child out of town to a school event and spend ANY time alone with them in a hotel room. Period.

4. When a child reports something that sounds even remotely sexual about an interaction with some adult or teacher, BELIEVE them. (More than 95% of children's sexual abuse reports, outside of divorce litigation, are confirmed sooner or later.)

Children hide real incidents of sexual abuse for years and will suffer in silence out of fear and loyalty. Most abusers are people that the children know, not strangers. It is not unusual for children who have been victimized to make an outcry and then recant, in fact, it's almost routine.

Moms who take the time to listen to their children, and are sensitive to the distress in their children, will eventually find out if their kids have been victimized. Unfortunately, many single moms, especially those who are literally raising their kids alone, are so busy just surviving that they don't have the time to listen carefully to their kids, and the kids know it.

It is important for those of us who care about kids to be alert to those signals that an adult is "just too interested" in children who are vulnerable. When some adult is just too affectionate with a child, pay attention. When you know the child comes from divorced family, especially if the dad is not actively involved with his kids, pay close attention. These vulnerable kids need us to protect them.

Note: Sandusky was convicted on 45 of 48 counts, remanded to custody, and will be sentenced in the near future. One juror commented that the verdict "was never in doubt".

Dallas Man Acquitted of Molestation Conviction based on allegations in Custody Case after 15 years

The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals recently issued a order exonerating a Dallas father accused of molesting two of his young daughters during a heated custody battle and then being wrongly convicted based on testimony of the two girls, then 6 and 4. The dad was convicted, spent 2 1/2 years in prison, and then was released as a convicted sex offender. He had steadfastly maintained his innocence, and after his daughters reached adulthood, they recanted their childhood testimony completely, and admitted that they had decided that the adults weren't going to listen to them so they "just told them what they wanted to hear". The father, once a lawyer, was working as a truck driver at the time of his exoneration, and has been reunited with his daughters.

While this is an extreme example of parental alienation in a custody case, allegations of sexual abuse in too many custody cases. Based on overall occurrence of sexual abuse outside the context of divorce litigation, the incidence of father-daughter incest is very low (less than 1 in 1000 families or less) with the validation of incest occurring in more than 95% of reported cases. In the context of divorce litigation however, the number of reported cases is relatively high (10% of divorce cases or more), but with the validation of those reports occurring in fewer than 5% of those cases. Bottom line, incest allegations in divorce cases are almost always FALSE, while incest allegations in outside the custody arena are almost always TRUE. Of course, base rates don't determine the facts in a single case, but they constitute an important contextual clue about what is LIKELY to be going on in an individual case.

Despite the decline of such serious allegations in divorce cases over the last 25 years, parents in contested custody cases continue to make false allegations about the behavior of their spouses and to coach their children about "bad things" the other parent has done or is doing. These parents, many of whom have very poor judgment, a blurry line between fantasy and reality, and a "black and white" view of the world and the people in it, do not appreciate the damage that they are doing to the children in the zeal to win the "custody battle". The long term research on the effects of divorce on children continues to show that the best predictor of damage to children in divorce is the result of ongoing conflict between the parents--when parents continue to fight, children are harmed--period.

Professionals involved with divorcing families and the parents who are divorcing must all recognize that when parents attack each other in court during the months of the divorce litigation, the children are damaged for the next 20 YEARS or more. I am sure NO parent really wants that kind of future for their children.

So given these risks, what are some alternatives?

1. Even when divorcing, agree to disagree without including the children.
2. Give the children access and visitation with both parents.
3. Avoid making allegations without objective proof substantiated by a third party.
4. When in doubt, don't.
5. If you really suspect child abuse, find a mental health professional with LOTS of experience in child abuse and child abuse allegations in divorce cases and let them decide whether to file a report about the "abuse".