There are few life crises that leave a caring person more confused and uncertain about what to do than watching a good friend go through a divorce. For other crises, accidents, deaths in the family, financial crises, life-threatening diagnoses, the "right" response and the help needed is more obvious and straightforward, and usually a group of friends will naturally come together to provide help and support. For a variety of reasons, this rarely happens when a couple divorces.
Whether they initiated the divorce or not, the divorcing friend has a complex set of challenges to master as they move from being married to being single. They have to find a new home, furnish it, and open all the new accounts to finance the new life. At the same time, they have to continue working to support themselves (and sometimes their soon to be "ex" as well). They have to manage the legal divorce process, usually by hiring an attorney to represent them, even if the divorce is collaborative or by mutual agreement. These tasks are time consuming and can be overwhelming because they all happen at once, and most of these tasks can't be delegated to even the most compassionate and available friend. But while the list is daunting, the tasks are doable with a little persistence and good humor. Good friends can be cheerleaders and even companions while these tasks are mastered, but there is a limit to how much a caring friend can help with these basic life tasks.
This post is focused on the part of the process where a caring friend can make a difference. While most of my experience in this area has been professional as I helped my clients overcome these social and emotional challenges of bouncing back from divorce, my recent personal experience has provided a new level of understanding and appreciation for how a network of caring friends can make the transition easier, and what is and is not helpful. So here's my "Top Ten List" (I miss Dave Letterman!) of suggestions for how to help a friend get through a divorce and successfully transition to being single again.
1. Be there. Call, email, text every day just to check in. No need for long conversations or expressions of sympathy or advice. Just be there in some way every day for a while. You'll know when to back off.
2. Make time to meet your friend for lunch or happy hour every week. If you have mutual friends, make it a group outing. Keep the focus on your mutual interests, what's happening in the the world, family, or whatever comes up, and make room for a report about the divorce but keep it short and shallow. Encourage socializing; discourage serious dating for at least the first year, especially for men.
3. Avoid siding with your friend and bashing the soon to be former spouse. No relationship fails unless both people contribute to its demise; if there are children, your friend has to co-parent with the ex and stirring up resentment will make that harder, not easier. At the same time, don't let your friend take all the blame for the divorce either.
4. Encourage your friend to take time off from work to get settled in the new home and have time to think through a new plan for the future. If the friend is the stay at home mom, get some friends to plan a day of activities for the kids to give mom a break to just rest and recover a bit or have a spa day. Healing takes quiet time.
5. If the divorce (or the marriage before divorce) has been emotionally traumatic, encourage your friend to get counseling, and regardless of the marriage history, to get into a good divorce recovery program at church.
6. Daily routines are a stress reducer, so encourage the establishment (or re-establishment) of a health daily routine: regular bedtimes, meals, exercise, and leisure time. Discourage excessive time at work; encourage balance and time alone.
7. Encourage your friend to forgive their "ex", regardless of their failures, transgressions, or omissions. Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling.
8. Help your friend focus on the present and the future; discourage repetitive recounting of the past--change the subject. If they are having trouble with letting go, encourage them to journal every day until they are through.
9. It's been said that every relationship is either a blessing or a lesson. In my experience, there are both in every relationship, but some are not evident except in hindsight. Encourage your friend to take time to find both and write them down. Lessons learned don't have to be repeated.
10. Finally, and most importantly, encourage your friend to be grateful every day. Research has demonstrated that people who list 3 things on paper every day for a week that they are grateful for, are less prone to depression and anxiety a month later! This is especially important for middle-aged and older men who are particularly at risk for depression and suicide when they're alone.
Divorce is certainly a painful and difficult life transition for nearly everyone. Divorce also presents an opportunity for transformation because so many of a person's life structures are in flux all at once. Using these suggestions, you can help your friend use this life crisis as an opportunity to build a better life and a better future.
Showing posts with label coping with loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping with loss. Show all posts
Thursday, September 01, 2016
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Helping Kids Cope with Separation from the Other Parent (or someone else)
Children of divorced parents must learn to cope with separations from people they love more quickly than children from intact families. Visitation schedules, no matter how thoughtfully or cooperatively constructed, just are not the same as being in the same house with both parents. Young children in these situations may need to be taught how to cope with these separations since they may have missed the opportunity that children from intact families usually have to ease into extended separations as they become emotionally mature enough to handle them.
As Dr. Mary Ann Little and I wrote in our book "Loving Your Children Better", there are strategies for helping children manage the sadness that can surprise both children and parents when kids feel the impact of a separation from someone they love (parent, friend, or grandparent). The strategies include things that a parent can do before, during, and after the separation occurs to help a child soothe themselves and develop the ability to feel sad, express the sadness appropriately, and then develop the ability to make themselves feel better.
Before the separation occurs:
When the child is NOT stressed, like at bedtime, talk with your child about the value of memories. Ask them to think about the person they love and to create a vivid and detailed picture of that person in their heads. If they have trouble getting a clear mental picture, show the child a recent photo of the person (preferably one with the child in the picture too) to help. Talk to the child about how they can always create this picture in their heads any time they want to, and even when the person can't be there, they will always have their mental picture (memory) of the person with them. Prompt the child to remember a fun experience from their last visit, and point out how that memory helps the child to feel better. Teach the child that looking at a photo or remembering the mental picture is a way to cope with sadness when the person can't be there. Give the child a photo of you to put in their backpack on visits to look at if they miss you (if the other parent doesn't have photo of you next the child's bed in their home). Make sure you have photos of the other parent in the child's room.
During a separation:
For young children between age 3 and 5 (and sometimes up to age 7), an object or experience can trigger overwhelming feelings of sadness for the absent parent or grandparent. When these feelings break through, savvy parents can help the child by following these simple steps:
1. Soothe child by having him or her sit in your lap, and then ask the child to think of their mental picture of mom, grandma, or dad.
2. If the child can't get a mental picture, get the photo of the person and ask the child to remember "that fun time with Grandma that we talked about".
3. If the child is still upset and can't be soothed, then offer to call the person so the child can reconnect (if that is possible and the timing of the call is not likely to be disruptive to Grandma's schedule). If the timing is bad, offer to call at a specific later time ("let's call Grandma today when you get home from school").
4. Remind the child that feeling sad is a signal about how much they love the person, that feeling sad is OK, that talking about feeling sad can help, and that they will always have their memories to help them feel better.
After the separation:
1. When the child has been reunited with the person they missed, prompt them pay attention to the fun things that they did during the visit so that they can build more memories for their "memory bank".
2. Remind the child that each of their fun experiences with mom, or grandma, or whomever, creates another memory for their "memory bank" that they can use to feel better when they miss the person or become sad.
3. Ask the person to talk to child about how they remember the child when the child is not with them, and perhaps even to give the child a small object or gift that is a "special way for you to remember that I love you when you're not here".
4. Take photo of the child with that person and put it in a frame next to the child's bed and tell the child to use the photo if their mental picture needs a boost.
Developing emotional attachments and coping with separations from people we love are the foundations of healthy relationships at every stage in life. Few lessons that parents teach their children have more lasting value.
As Dr. Mary Ann Little and I wrote in our book "Loving Your Children Better", there are strategies for helping children manage the sadness that can surprise both children and parents when kids feel the impact of a separation from someone they love (parent, friend, or grandparent). The strategies include things that a parent can do before, during, and after the separation occurs to help a child soothe themselves and develop the ability to feel sad, express the sadness appropriately, and then develop the ability to make themselves feel better.
Before the separation occurs:
When the child is NOT stressed, like at bedtime, talk with your child about the value of memories. Ask them to think about the person they love and to create a vivid and detailed picture of that person in their heads. If they have trouble getting a clear mental picture, show the child a recent photo of the person (preferably one with the child in the picture too) to help. Talk to the child about how they can always create this picture in their heads any time they want to, and even when the person can't be there, they will always have their mental picture (memory) of the person with them. Prompt the child to remember a fun experience from their last visit, and point out how that memory helps the child to feel better. Teach the child that looking at a photo or remembering the mental picture is a way to cope with sadness when the person can't be there. Give the child a photo of you to put in their backpack on visits to look at if they miss you (if the other parent doesn't have photo of you next the child's bed in their home). Make sure you have photos of the other parent in the child's room.
During a separation:
For young children between age 3 and 5 (and sometimes up to age 7), an object or experience can trigger overwhelming feelings of sadness for the absent parent or grandparent. When these feelings break through, savvy parents can help the child by following these simple steps:
1. Soothe child by having him or her sit in your lap, and then ask the child to think of their mental picture of mom, grandma, or dad.
2. If the child can't get a mental picture, get the photo of the person and ask the child to remember "that fun time with Grandma that we talked about".
3. If the child is still upset and can't be soothed, then offer to call the person so the child can reconnect (if that is possible and the timing of the call is not likely to be disruptive to Grandma's schedule). If the timing is bad, offer to call at a specific later time ("let's call Grandma today when you get home from school").
4. Remind the child that feeling sad is a signal about how much they love the person, that feeling sad is OK, that talking about feeling sad can help, and that they will always have their memories to help them feel better.
After the separation:
1. When the child has been reunited with the person they missed, prompt them pay attention to the fun things that they did during the visit so that they can build more memories for their "memory bank".
2. Remind the child that each of their fun experiences with mom, or grandma, or whomever, creates another memory for their "memory bank" that they can use to feel better when they miss the person or become sad.
3. Ask the person to talk to child about how they remember the child when the child is not with them, and perhaps even to give the child a small object or gift that is a "special way for you to remember that I love you when you're not here".
4. Take photo of the child with that person and put it in a frame next to the child's bed and tell the child to use the photo if their mental picture needs a boost.
Developing emotional attachments and coping with separations from people we love are the foundations of healthy relationships at every stage in life. Few lessons that parents teach their children have more lasting value.
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