There are few life crises that leave a caring person more confused and uncertain about what to do than watching a good friend go through a divorce. For other crises, accidents, deaths in the family, financial crises, life-threatening diagnoses, the "right" response and the help needed is more obvious and straightforward, and usually a group of friends will naturally come together to provide help and support. For a variety of reasons, this rarely happens when a couple divorces.
Whether they initiated the divorce or not, the divorcing friend has a complex set of challenges to master as they move from being married to being single. They have to find a new home, furnish it, and open all the new accounts to finance the new life. At the same time, they have to continue working to support themselves (and sometimes their soon to be "ex" as well). They have to manage the legal divorce process, usually by hiring an attorney to represent them, even if the divorce is collaborative or by mutual agreement. These tasks are time consuming and can be overwhelming because they all happen at once, and most of these tasks can't be delegated to even the most compassionate and available friend. But while the list is daunting, the tasks are doable with a little persistence and good humor. Good friends can be cheerleaders and even companions while these tasks are mastered, but there is a limit to how much a caring friend can help with these basic life tasks.
This post is focused on the part of the process where a caring friend can make a difference. While most of my experience in this area has been professional as I helped my clients overcome these social and emotional challenges of bouncing back from divorce, my recent personal experience has provided a new level of understanding and appreciation for how a network of caring friends can make the transition easier, and what is and is not helpful. So here's my "Top Ten List" (I miss Dave Letterman!) of suggestions for how to help a friend get through a divorce and successfully transition to being single again.
1. Be there. Call, email, text every day just to check in. No need for long conversations or expressions of sympathy or advice. Just be there in some way every day for a while. You'll know when to back off.
2. Make time to meet your friend for lunch or happy hour every week. If you have mutual friends, make it a group outing. Keep the focus on your mutual interests, what's happening in the the world, family, or whatever comes up, and make room for a report about the divorce but keep it short and shallow. Encourage socializing; discourage serious dating for at least the first year, especially for men.
3. Avoid siding with your friend and bashing the soon to be former spouse. No relationship fails unless both people contribute to its demise; if there are children, your friend has to co-parent with the ex and stirring up resentment will make that harder, not easier. At the same time, don't let your friend take all the blame for the divorce either.
4. Encourage your friend to take time off from work to get settled in the new home and have time to think through a new plan for the future. If the friend is the stay at home mom, get some friends to plan a day of activities for the kids to give mom a break to just rest and recover a bit or have a spa day. Healing takes quiet time.
5. If the divorce (or the marriage before divorce) has been emotionally traumatic, encourage your friend to get counseling, and regardless of the marriage history, to get into a good divorce recovery program at church.
6. Daily routines are a stress reducer, so encourage the establishment (or re-establishment) of a health daily routine: regular bedtimes, meals, exercise, and leisure time. Discourage excessive time at work; encourage balance and time alone.
7. Encourage your friend to forgive their "ex", regardless of their failures, transgressions, or omissions. Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling.
8. Help your friend focus on the present and the future; discourage repetitive recounting of the past--change the subject. If they are having trouble with letting go, encourage them to journal every day until they are through.
9. It's been said that every relationship is either a blessing or a lesson. In my experience, there are both in every relationship, but some are not evident except in hindsight. Encourage your friend to take time to find both and write them down. Lessons learned don't have to be repeated.
10. Finally, and most importantly, encourage your friend to be grateful every day. Research has demonstrated that people who list 3 things on paper every day for a week that they are grateful for, are less prone to depression and anxiety a month later! This is especially important for middle-aged and older men who are particularly at risk for depression and suicide when they're alone.
Divorce is certainly a painful and difficult life transition for nearly everyone. Divorce also presents an opportunity for transformation because so many of a person's life structures are in flux all at once. Using these suggestions, you can help your friend use this life crisis as an opportunity to build a better life and a better future.
Showing posts with label divorce recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce recovery. Show all posts
Thursday, September 01, 2016
Monday, June 03, 2013
Updated and Re-Titled: When ALL Else Fails-Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce is now available
Happy Monday,
I am pleased to announce that my book "When ALL Else Fails-Minimizing the Damage Before, During, and After Divorce" is now available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: http://tinyurl.com/
I continue to welcome referrals for trial preparation/consultation cases in family law and commercial litigation and post divorce coaching.
Thanks for your continued support.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Research Update: Growth Not Just Recovery After Divorce is the Norm
Post-traumatic disorder is NOT the most likely outcome of a trauma like divorce; post-traumatic growth is.
There is no question that divorce is traumatic for all its victims. Only the death of a spouse is more stressful, and that trauma seems to recede with time, while the trauma of divorce can linger for a lifetime. Mental health professionals have tended by virtue of their training and values, to be focused more on the disorder after trauma, and less on the growth that more often results.
A recent article (see the link at the end of this post) nicely summarizes the current research on the factors that lead to post traumatic growth rather than post traumatic disorder. Here are some of the major factors identified by research which predict a positive response to trauma:
There is no question that divorce is traumatic for all its victims. Only the death of a spouse is more stressful, and that trauma seems to recede with time, while the trauma of divorce can linger for a lifetime. Mental health professionals have tended by virtue of their training and values, to be focused more on the disorder after trauma, and less on the growth that more often results.
A recent article (see the link at the end of this post) nicely summarizes the current research on the factors that lead to post traumatic growth rather than post traumatic disorder. Here are some of the major factors identified by research which predict a positive response to trauma:
- Recognition that growth is more likely than disorder. Knowing that growth is the most likely outcome can help inoculate a person against hopelessness and depression. Developing a positive expectation of not just recovery, but of growth, as a consequence of a trauma like divorce is the first step.
- Spirituality, specifically forgiveness. While this is probably the most difficult for most divorced/divorcing people to accomplish, failure to forgive is highly associated with ongoing disorder rather than growth. Remember this is a finding of psychological research, NOT a religious opinion.(http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2010-09501-003) Forgiveness is the antidote to poisonous resentment and bitterness that are blocks to healing and growth. Forgiveness is for your benefit not your ex!
- Social support leads to growth rather than disorder. This is especially evident in divorce recovery groups and is why I recommend divorce recovery groups to every one of my clients and in my book, "Your Best Divorce Now: Tips and Tools... (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008654OHG) Men are especially vulnerable to negative affects from divorce because they tend to try to go it alone, and hence are less likely to grow after divorce. There is nothing as healing as hearing other people's stories and realizing that you are not alone.
- Disclosure of your feelings and reactions leads to growth. Most divorce recovery programs encourage daily journaling as a tool to recovery, and research supports this as being just as effective as talking to someone for 30 minutes every day.
- Changing your outlook to viewing the trauma as a challenge to be overcome. This is why reading stories of how other people overcame their own traumas can be helpful.
- Grieve, and take decisive action. Normal grief is a process with stages and a conclusion. Passivity and preoccupation with the trauma and its effects are associated with disorder, while positive, decisive action to change what can be changed is associated with growth
- Avoid substance abuse of any kind, even food. While the abuse of drugs and alcohol are obvious blocks to growth, overeating can also have negative affects on mood and recovery from trauma.
Read the complete article here. Highly recommended. http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/post-traumatic-growth-what-research-says-about-why-some-grow-while-others-break-in-the-face-of-adversity
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Your Best Divorce Now! Tips and Tools Before During and After Released today
 List Price: $14.95 Add to Cart | Your Best Divorce Now!Tips and ToolsAuthored by Kevin Karlson JD PhDWhether you are thinking about divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or recovering from a divorce, this book can help you. Written by an expert on both the emotional and the legal challenges before, during, and after divorce, Your Best Divorce Now! offers tips for every phase of the process and tools for making the best of this very stressful time. Dr. Kevin Karlson JD PhD was trained as a psychologist and as a lawyer, and he has been a litigation consultant specializing in divorce and custody cases for more than 25 years, as well as a therapist, divorce recovery facilitator, marriage and family therapist, and child custody expert. Your Best Divorce Now! brings his expertise and experience to bear in a format that addresses the most common issues in short, easy to understand tips, and also provides tools that you can use before, during and after divorce. Before divorce, there are tools for deciding whether divorce is for you, and tips about how to make the decision that's best for you. During the divorce process, Your Best Divorce Now! provides tips and tools for making decisions, dealing with stress, communicating with your children and your ex, as well as understanding the "legalese" that is part of every divorce. You will find tips for dealing with lawyers, depositions, testifying in court, and child custody evaluations. After the divorce is finally over, Your Best Divorce Now! provides more tips and tools for starting life over as a single person or a single parent.
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Friday, February 17, 2012
Begin With the End in Mind (with thanks to Steven Covey)
(an excerpt from my upcoming book: What YOU Need to Know about Divorce: Before, During, and After)
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.-Jose Addison
Having worked with hundreds of clients as a therapist, marriage counselor, divorce litigation consultant, child custody evaluator, divorce coach, and divorce recovery facilitator, one characteristic is shared by all of them: they didn't know what they wanted, either from the divorce or from life after divorce. This lack of a personal vision and long term plan for their lives is certainly not limited to divorcing people, in fact, it's a common occurrence in the general population. Many, if not most, people kind of stumble through life reacting to life events or bouncing from one obstacle to the next like the ball in a pinball game.
Even those people who are goal directed, and successful, are frequently temporarily left directionless by divorce. Whether they initiated the divorce or were blind-sided by it, divorcing people are quickly sucked into the legal machinery and taken for a ride by a system over which they have very limited control. This leads even the most strategic thinkers and long term planners to revert to short term micromanagement and sometimes, to poor decision-making. The emotional stresses and losses occasioned by divorce lead to the development "tunnel vision", an actual, physical reduction in perceptual focus to a very narrow part of the world, exactly like that experienced by rookie soldiers in combat. Events outside "the tunnel" don't even register, and consequently, can lead to very bad surprises.
Adding to the difficulties caused by stress-induced "tunnel vision" is the tendency of the most intelligent and successful people to try to bring their professional skills to bear on their lawyer and the legal system in their divorces. Unfortunately, unlike in their usual professional or business realm, these folks "don't know what they don't know" in the legal arena, so they muster their "leadership" resources and experience to try and "manage" their divorce litigation and the process of the emotional divorce of their spouse and children. The result is NEVER pretty. It is, however, always costly and damaging to nearly everyone involved and legally ineffective or even counterproductive.
The antidote to this self-destructive tendency to over-control is to stop, think, and carefully consider "the end" of the divorce. Here are a few guidelines to help craft a personal vision and plan for you.
Thinking ahead, 5 years AFTER your divorce is final, get a pen and a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:
1. What kind of relationship do you want with your children? What kind of relationship do you want the kids to have with the other parent? What do you need to do now to get there? (if you don't know the answers, then get a mental health professional to help you figure it out)
2. Where do you want to live? What will it take in terms of financial resources to make that happen? What is your plan for achieving those financial goals?
3.Visualize your home--what does it look like, and what "stuff" do you want to have in it? (this will help you decide about personal property division in your divorce too)
4.What do you want to do for a career? Do you love what you're doing or is this a good time to re-think your career path?
5. Are you willing to forgive your spouse, regardless of whose "fault" the divorce may be? Or do you want to "get even"? (Divorce court is NOT going to help you get justice or fairness as it relates to your treatment by your spouse, regardless of what you may think)
6. Most importantly, what would you say is the purpose for your life? Why are you on the planet? What do you want your legacy to be?
To begin with the end in mind in divorce, one must step back from the chaos of divorce and divorce litigation and consider your life, the big picture. If you know where you're going in life, then making decisions about your divorce is MUCH easier. In each of the important domains of your life, knowing where you want to end up will help you decide what to do in your divorce that will eventually get you there, and to avoid taking steps that will lead in a direction away from your goals.
Covey is right-begin with the end in mind, even in divorce.
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.-Jose Addison
Having worked with hundreds of clients as a therapist, marriage counselor, divorce litigation consultant, child custody evaluator, divorce coach, and divorce recovery facilitator, one characteristic is shared by all of them: they didn't know what they wanted, either from the divorce or from life after divorce. This lack of a personal vision and long term plan for their lives is certainly not limited to divorcing people, in fact, it's a common occurrence in the general population. Many, if not most, people kind of stumble through life reacting to life events or bouncing from one obstacle to the next like the ball in a pinball game.
Even those people who are goal directed, and successful, are frequently temporarily left directionless by divorce. Whether they initiated the divorce or were blind-sided by it, divorcing people are quickly sucked into the legal machinery and taken for a ride by a system over which they have very limited control. This leads even the most strategic thinkers and long term planners to revert to short term micromanagement and sometimes, to poor decision-making. The emotional stresses and losses occasioned by divorce lead to the development "tunnel vision", an actual, physical reduction in perceptual focus to a very narrow part of the world, exactly like that experienced by rookie soldiers in combat. Events outside "the tunnel" don't even register, and consequently, can lead to very bad surprises.
Adding to the difficulties caused by stress-induced "tunnel vision" is the tendency of the most intelligent and successful people to try to bring their professional skills to bear on their lawyer and the legal system in their divorces. Unfortunately, unlike in their usual professional or business realm, these folks "don't know what they don't know" in the legal arena, so they muster their "leadership" resources and experience to try and "manage" their divorce litigation and the process of the emotional divorce of their spouse and children. The result is NEVER pretty. It is, however, always costly and damaging to nearly everyone involved and legally ineffective or even counterproductive.
The antidote to this self-destructive tendency to over-control is to stop, think, and carefully consider "the end" of the divorce. Here are a few guidelines to help craft a personal vision and plan for you.
Thinking ahead, 5 years AFTER your divorce is final, get a pen and a piece of paper and write down the answers to these questions:
1. What kind of relationship do you want with your children? What kind of relationship do you want the kids to have with the other parent? What do you need to do now to get there? (if you don't know the answers, then get a mental health professional to help you figure it out)
2. Where do you want to live? What will it take in terms of financial resources to make that happen? What is your plan for achieving those financial goals?
3.Visualize your home--what does it look like, and what "stuff" do you want to have in it? (this will help you decide about personal property division in your divorce too)
4.What do you want to do for a career? Do you love what you're doing or is this a good time to re-think your career path?
5. Are you willing to forgive your spouse, regardless of whose "fault" the divorce may be? Or do you want to "get even"? (Divorce court is NOT going to help you get justice or fairness as it relates to your treatment by your spouse, regardless of what you may think)
6. Most importantly, what would you say is the purpose for your life? Why are you on the planet? What do you want your legacy to be?
To begin with the end in mind in divorce, one must step back from the chaos of divorce and divorce litigation and consider your life, the big picture. If you know where you're going in life, then making decisions about your divorce is MUCH easier. In each of the important domains of your life, knowing where you want to end up will help you decide what to do in your divorce that will eventually get you there, and to avoid taking steps that will lead in a direction away from your goals.
Covey is right-begin with the end in mind, even in divorce.
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